It’s the nature of my personality to be a generally optimistic person …<\/p>\n
On a 10 rung ladder of life happiness,<\/p>\n
I’m usually operating on probably the 8th rung.<\/p>\n
But the past two weeks have been the toughest to date so far in my transition,<\/p>\n
And by last night …<\/p>\n
My legs were dangling freely as I struggled to hang on to the 2nd rung.<\/p>\n
How did I find myelf in such desperate straits?
\n
\nWell, it started two weeks ago …<\/p>\n
Nothing too serious at first,<\/p>\n
Just the overwhelming sense of too much to do combined with lots of demands.<\/p>\n
But as the week progressed, I was finding myself wearing down …<\/p>\n
Despite resolve,<\/p>\n
My grip to the 8th rung loosened just enough that I slipped …<\/p>\n
And as I tried to grab onto the 7th rung,<\/p>\n
My chin slammed into the ladder,<\/p>\n
Cutting me and causing me to fall one more rung before regaining a hold …<\/p>\n
So suddenly as that week closed,<\/p>\n
I was two rungs below normal.<\/p>\n
But that’s not bad …<\/p>\n
I had a lot going on …<\/p>\n
I was talking tough talk again with people, I was letting them down, I was forcing the reality of my life back into theirs …<\/p>\n
And living the disappointment and pain they were feeling.<\/p>\n
So hey, being on the 6th rung,<\/p>\n
I didn’t think was all that bad.<\/p>\n
But instead of being able to revitalize and regain my rightful position on the ladder of life happiness over the weekend,<\/p>\n
I found myself being challenged even more.<\/p>\n
So on Monday of last week …<\/p>\n
I was starting out already behind the game.<\/p>\n
And last week gave me no breaks.<\/p>\n
Tougher talks, good talks, useful talks …<\/p>\n
With many.<\/p>\n
But each talked drained me.<\/p>\n
Each person in my life that hurts because of my change,<\/p>\n
Deals only with their hurt.<\/p>\n
I on the other hand …<\/p>\n
Carry the cumulative hurt of all of them.<\/p>\n
And some of the ways they handle their hurt …<\/p>\n
Good and useful for them,<\/p>\n
Weigh even more on me.<\/p>\n
Looking in their eyes,<\/p>\n
Hearing their words,<\/p>\n
Hurts.<\/p>\n
So by Wednesday,<\/p>\n
I had fallen two more rungs.<\/p>\n
Hanging onto rung 4,<\/p>\n
But at least my feet were still secured by the first rung. \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n
It was probably at this point,<\/p>\n
That I first started asking for help.<\/p>\n
“Hey, can someone give me a hand here. I seem to be slipping.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
But,<\/p>\n
I didn’t say it that way.<\/p>\n
I don’t like asking for help,<\/p>\n
I rarely do it,<\/p>\n
And I’m really not well versed in the ways of asking for such.<\/p>\n
I hate feeling like I’m inconveniencing any of my friends and family with something as selfish as me.<\/p>\n
So I did my subtle little indicators for a need of help.<\/p>\n
In reponse to queries of my state,<\/p>\n
Instead of “great<\/i>“,<\/p>\n
It was “I’m having a really tough time<\/i>“,<\/p>\n
Or “I’m struggling.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
My mood indicator here was set a bit more dismal,<\/p>\n
And I started doing little inquiries of others,<\/p>\n
Trying to get the feel if they had some time for me.<\/p>\n
Now I’m totally convinced that for the most part,<\/p>\n
All I had to do was ask, clearly …<\/p>\n
And any of my family and friends would have been responsive.<\/p>\n
But part of my problem was that,<\/p>\n
I really didn’t know what type of assistance I needed.<\/p>\n
Everything I was doing,<\/p>\n
I had to do on my own.<\/p>\n
I really didn’t want to talk about my transsexualism or what I was going through at all …<\/p>\n
That was sort of the cause of the moodage in the first place.<\/p>\n
So it was more like I just needed someone there …<\/p>\n
To do nothing.<\/p>\n
While I silently gained some strength from them …<\/p>\n
For myself,<\/p>\n
To climb back up the ladder.<\/p>\n
But every such subtle inquiry revealed what I already knew,<\/p>\n
Everyone was too busy …<\/p>\n
In their own lives,<\/p>\n
For me to ask of them their time,<\/p>\n
To do nothing.<\/p>\n
Besides,<\/p>\n
I was only on the 4th rung,<\/p>\n
I wasn’t that off from things.<\/p>\n
Nbd.<\/p>\n
But my week didn’t improve,<\/p>\n
And suddenly,<\/p>\n
Friday night,<\/p>\n
When it was too late for me to ask bluntly for help,<\/p>\n
I found myself two rungs lower.<\/p>\n
Holding on to rung 2,<\/p>\n
With everything I had.<\/p>\n
In the dark,<\/p>\n
Shaking,<\/p>\n
Sleepless.<\/p>\n
And by Saturday night,<\/p>\n
My arms were …<\/p>\n
Trembling …<\/p>\n
From hanging on at such a low level.<\/p>\n
Now to this day,<\/p>\n
I’ve never felt or feared I would fall,<\/p>\n
Though I can say …<\/p>\n
When you’re dangling from the 2nd rung,<\/p>\n
Feet flailing in the air,<\/p>\n
It’s still scary !<\/p>\n
But,<\/p>\n
Drawing on reserves and determination,<\/p>\n
Throughout all of this,<\/p>\n
I’ve done everything I’ve planned on doing the past two weeks.<\/p>\n
Blunt, detailed talks with my parents,<\/p>\n
Blunt, detailed talk with my brother,<\/p>\n
Blunt, detailed talks with other friends,<\/p>\n
Decisions made with regard to implementation.<\/p>\n
Steps requiring action, being acted upon.<\/p>\n
And I’ve managed to pull myself back up two rungs of the ladder.<\/p>\n
I’m on rung 4 right now.<\/p>\n
Not where I want to be.<\/p>\n
But at least I’ve got a place to secure my feet,<\/p>\n
And I’m going in a positive direction.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It’s the nature of my personality to be a generally optimistic person … On a 10 rung ladder of life happiness, I’m usually operating on probably the 8th rung. But the past two weeks have been the toughest to date so far in my transition, And by last night … My legs were dangling freely…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kad_blocks_custom_css":"","_kad_blocks_head_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_body_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_footer_custom_js":"","_kadence_starter_templates_imported_post":false,"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[139],"tags":[],"taxonomy_info":{"category":[{"value":139,"label":"General"}]},"featured_image_src_large":false,"author_info":{"display_name":"Amy","author_link":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/author\/amy\/"},"comment_info":20,"category_info":[{"term_id":139,"name":"General","slug":"general","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":143,"taxonomy":"category","description":"","parent":0,"count":775,"filter":"raw","cat_ID":139,"category_count":775,"category_description":"","cat_name":"General","category_nicename":"general","category_parent":0}],"tag_info":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/833"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=833"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/833\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=833"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=833"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=833"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}