Last Friday I had my semi-annual check-up with my gatekeeper at the University of Michigan Comprehensive Gender Services program.<\/p>\n
As has been mentioned before … my counselor and I never really bonded. Personally, I always sense there is an element of tension in the room … he’s contributed little, if any, to my development … and I feel like he’s condenscending in most things he says to me … even though he says it with that smile of his.<\/p>\n
Anyways, he’s my gatekeeper and I still need to use him for my letters.<\/p>\n
Sure, this time he acknowledged that I appear …<\/p>\n
Happier, emotionally healthier and to be doing very well.<\/p>\n
He even complimented me in a backhanded sort of way on my appearance …<\/p>\n
“I wouldn’t have recognized you if I hadn’t been expecting you.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
But when I inquired how I compared in presentation to his other transsexual patients …<\/p>\n
Things went downhill … fast !!
\n
\nHe firmly responded …<\/p>\n
“That’s one of your problems, despite reinforcement, you lack confidence … I already said you looked passable.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“Sorry doc<\/i>“, yes “doc” in this instance was code for something, “that’s not what I was asking. You see a lot of transsexual patients, I was just wondering how I compare to them in my appearance and presentation … do I have a significant way to go or am I’m getting close?<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“Well, that’s another of your problems, you don’t socialize with transsexuals. If you spent more time with and around other transsexuals, you wouldn’t have to ask that question, you’d know.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
Yeah … right. Whatever.<\/p>\n
Gawd I haven’t missed him.<\/p>\n
I’m pretty sure I’m not his stereotypical transsexual.<\/p>\n
First, I was about passability before visability … so before I was into actively presenting in the female role … I wanted my beard gone, my face passable, my body presentable and my voice tolerable (still have a long ways to go on the voice) … I was willing to be patient. He on the other hand, expected me to phreakin’ dress all the time it seemed, right away.<\/p>\n
Second, I was about containment before announcement … so before I was going to be out and about … I wanted to tell my select individuals in a manner that worked with my schedule. And I’ve held to that … as I’ve made inroads on the First item, I’ve increased substantially my work in this item. He on the other hand, made me feel like I should phreakin’ tell everyone at once.<\/p>\n
Third, I was about hanging out with people I like … so sure, I have transsexual friends, but they are friends I’d have whether or not they were transsexual … we have interests in common, they make me laugh, we mock people, we argue about the world, or they make me think … but I’m not about to socialize with others just to be in a … whine and moan, whoa is me <\/i>… session. He on the other hand … felt I should attend every support group where there were so many other dysfunctions, transsexualism didn’t even crack the Top Ten.<\/p>\n
Anyways … I’m sitting here evaluating my continued involvement with him again … if I stick things out with him, it’ll probably be two years before I can get my new vagina. And let me tell you kids … there’s no way I’ll last two years. I’m not sure I’ll make it until the end of this year.<\/p>\n
But my first choice of surgeon definitely requires the letters … so I either need to stick it out with my current gatekeeper or find a new one and start all over … but if I start all over, I’m really not gaining too much time.<\/p>\n
Grrrrrr …<\/p>\n
Or I can consider a Thailand letter-free doctor.<\/p>\n
Anyways … the Gatekeeper decided to proceed to discussing sex with me.<\/p>\n
“So, let’s talk about sexual encounters, are you finding yourself attracted to men, women, neither or both.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“Men.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“Only men?<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“Yes, there seems to be enough so that I don’t expect to run out anytime soon.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“Have you had any interactions with men then?<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“Well … I’m talking to you now.<\/i>” (Yeah, okay … I certainly contribute to the tension in the room at times !! :))<\/p>\n
“I mean men in a social setting. Have you had any physical encounters with men?<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“Zoinks … seems kinda personal. Listen, I know … any interactions with men are very, very dangerous for me right now. I’d be taking a huge risk … if a man I was with found out, it could lead to problems and threaten my safety. I’m well aware of the risk.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“You haven’t answered the question.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“I know.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“You’re playing with fire.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“I know. But I’m cautious. I never go to a place alone with a man, not even to a hallway or outside anymore, and I rarely go out alone … I almost always have friends with me. I’ve moderated my risks. I don’t mean to sound trite or anything, but seriously … I have needs. I’m finding it very hard to go years without something as simple as a kiss … or to receive a tight “I like you” hug … or to simply make someone else feel good. And now you’re telling me that I’ve got to stick it out another two years before I can have the equipment to fairly safely engage in such actions. Well … it’s just not going to happen. I’m telling you that right here and now. So you can put in your notes that you advised me of the risk … cover your butt … but nothing I’m hearing today is telling me that I’ve got another other choice than to accept the risk.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“So you understand you’re playing with fire.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“Yes.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“Then, I’ll see you in six months.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“Sure. You bet.<\/i>” \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n
So with another fun session complete … I put on my raincoat, picked up my purse, turned to walk out the door … and promptly tripped and stumbled over my chair. ROFLMAO !!!<\/p>\n
Well, at least I got one laugh out of the sessiooooon ! \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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