ACT I<\/b><\/p>\n
“K, I’ve got a CHC on the complainant … convictions for filing a false police report and an embezzlement, plus a whole bunch of other good stuff … it’s a gift. Injuries are questionable. Moderate. A victim I can impeach … I like your case. Now it’s a decent plea they are offering … because the case is questionable. But you’ve got a strong case for trial. What ‘cha wanna do?”<\/p>\n
“Will I get jail if I plea?”<\/p>\n
“Yeah, most likely. In fact, pretty damn likely. I can’t imagine you wouldn’t. Jail, probation upon release, fines, costs … the basics.”<\/p>\n
“Will they put me in jail today?”<\/p>\n
“They might, yeah. I can argue for a delay, and would expect to get it, but there is a slight chance that you’d be taken into custody immediately.”<\/p>\n
“How much jail time?”<\/p>\n
“Hmmmm … 30 days. Something like that. Work Release eligible.”<\/p>\n
“Okay … I’ll plea. But I want to go to jail today.”<\/i>
\n
\n“What?”<\/p>\n
“I want to go to jail today. Let’s plea.”<\/p>\n
“Are you sure? You’ve got a good case. It’s not leaving a good taste in my mouth. It’s your call, but are you sure?”<\/p>\n
“Yes. I wanna plea.”<\/p>\n
“Care to tell me why?”<\/p>\n
“The birds. I just can’t take the birds anymore !”<\/p>\n
“Huh?”<\/p>\n
“You told me that I couldn’t get her out of my house until this was all over, right?”<\/p>\n
“You could, it wouldn’t be wise though.”<\/p>\n
“And if I try this case, it’s another 3 – 4 months at least before trial.”<\/p>\n
“Yeah, probably a bit longer actually.”<\/p>\n
“Right. See … where I’m staying while this is going on, they have these phucking birds, cockadoos or cockatails … something like that. Anyways, these birds talk … and mimic people. And they do it really, really good. Whenever I walk into the room … the one says … “Hi cocksucker” … whenever I leave the room, the other says “Where ya going dip shit?” …. they say that to me all the time !!! They call me other names too.”<\/p>\n
“You gotta be kidding me … that’s hilarious … dip shit !!”<\/p>\n
“I’m not kidding man !! I can’t take it … it’s a small house, I can’t move with them damn birds talking to me. And they just think it’s funny !”<\/p>\n
“The birds think it’s funny?”<\/p>\n
“No, the owners.”<\/p>\n
“Oh. So you’re saying you want to go to jail to get away from the birds?”<\/p>\n
“I haven’t slept through the night in weeks. The birds make this ringing sound like the telephone …. wakes me up … I go to answer the phone and it’s not even ringing, then the fucking dogs start barking at me. I just want some sleep. I’ve gotta go to jail.”<\/p>\n
“There are other options. We can ….”<\/p>\n
“No, jail, it’s my only hope.”<\/i><\/p>\n
ACT II<\/b><\/p>\n
Bailiff: “All Rise !! The Unnamed Court in the Obvious State is now in session. The Honorable Judge Kewl presiding.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
(Yeah, I like this judge. Sure, he’s busted my butt in the past, but he’s a really good judge and knows his stuff. And it’s not like my butt didn’t deserve to get busted when he busted it.)<\/p>\n
Judge Kewl: “Please be seated. Let’s see, I understand we have a resolution in this case … is the State ready to proceed?<\/i>”<\/p>\n
Assistant Prosecuting Attorney (APA), rising to stand: “Yes Your Honor, we are. However, we seem to be missing defense counsel.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
Judge Kewl: “Ahhhhh, okay. Mr. Hairdy?<\/i>” The judge begins, looking at the defense table, three feet to the left of the assistant prosecuting attorney.<\/p>\n
Joe Hairdy, rising to stand: “Yes Your Honor<\/i>.”<\/p>\n
Judge Kewl: “Are you and the APA not playing nicely again? Is that why she’s pretending you don’t exist. I thought we all got over that sandbox incident last year.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
Assistant Prosecuting Attorney, turning to her left and seeing Joe Hairdy standing: “Oh my gawd Joe ! I didn’t see you there, how did you get there? I’m sorry. Your Honor, we are ready to proceed. I apologize.<\/i>” She said with a smile and a laugh.<\/p>\n
Joe Hairdy: “And I apparently exist again Your Honor. We are also ready.<\/i>” Said smiling.<\/p>\n
Judge Kewl, laughing: “Good, I’m glad. Let’s take care of some business then.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
ACT III<\/b><\/p>\n
Joe Hairdy is standing, hunched over, taking care of some paper work with the court clerk’s office through the window in the wall. Three sheriff deputies are standing a few feet away, same side of the wall, within earshot, but blocked from Joe’s view by a barrier up the wall.<\/p>\n
Unknown Deputy One: “No, I’m on OT now. I just came in for the pre on a case this morning.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
Unknown Deputy Two: “Yeah, I saw you in B earlier. Hey, who was that chick attorney wearing a tie that was working the case. The suit and tie thing was strange, but she kinda worked for me.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
Unknown Deputy One: “Ohhhh mannnn, you are sooooo going to pay for that !!<\/i>” LOL<\/p>\n
Unknown Deputy Two: “What??<\/i>”<\/p>\n
Note to self as I quickly slinked away from the clerk’s window hoping not to draw the attention of Deputy One, Deputy Two and Deputy Three: Now that was phreakin’ phunny !!! \ud83d\ude42 And remember to challenge Unknown Deputy Two’s skills of observation in the future if so needed, I might be able to rattle him. \ud83d\ude42<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
ACT I “K, I’ve got a CHC on the complainant … convictions for filing a false police report and an embezzlement, plus a whole bunch of other good stuff … it’s a gift. Injuries are questionable. Moderate. A victim I can impeach … I like your case. Now it’s a decent plea they are offering…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kad_blocks_custom_css":"","_kad_blocks_head_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_body_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_footer_custom_js":"","_kadence_starter_templates_imported_post":false,"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[139],"tags":[],"taxonomy_info":{"category":[{"value":139,"label":"General"}]},"featured_image_src_large":false,"author_info":{"display_name":"Amy","author_link":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/author\/amy\/"},"comment_info":4,"category_info":[{"term_id":139,"name":"General","slug":"general","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":143,"taxonomy":"category","description":"","parent":0,"count":775,"filter":"raw","cat_ID":139,"category_count":775,"category_description":"","cat_name":"General","category_nicename":"general","category_parent":0}],"tag_info":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/789"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=789"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/789\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=789"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=789"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=789"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}