“Are you going to bowl next year?<\/i>”<\/p>\n
That was the question tossed out at the weekly gathering of The UnUsual Suspects (Renamed by unanimous decision during a vote taken at the bar last night. Everyone liked the The Usual Suspects identifier … but Singer pointed out that there’s nothing “usual” about any of us and suggested UnUsual … which we all agreed with promptly.)<\/p>\n
Anyways … back to the question …<\/p>\n
I answered with a non-answer, as I so often do … it’s a Jedi tactic.<\/p>\n
“I’d like to … but it depends on how you guys feel about it. It would be very weird for all.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“Yes it would …<\/i>” (pause) … “but it’s not about us, if you want to, then that’s all that matters.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“Hmmmm, anything thoughts about changing the locatiooon, a different alley where not everyone knows us?<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“Well, this one is the best location-wise. There really isn’t another that would work well for all of us.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“True.<\/i> ”<\/p>\n
And that was the end of the discussion.<\/p>\n
Total talk time … heck … 30 seconds max. Probably not even that long.<\/p>\n
But it directly hit on a point … an issue that I’ve been struggling with for some time.
\n
\nJust how much discomfort am I willing to put my friends through as part of this?<\/i><\/p>\n
I am lucky. Incredibly lucky. I’ve only had one disappointing Disclosure experience.<\/p>\n
While the rest … with Shaft, Singer, Hottie, Sister, Miss Daisy, Tenant, Satan, Morrie … have been beyond amazing. They’ve all shown that they are some of the most compassionate, understanding, supportive people in the world.<\/p>\n
But that doesn’t mean … they aren’t struggling with this.<\/p>\n
Because at some levels … though never telling me … they have to be.<\/p>\n
This shit shakes everyone’s “basic premises about life<\/i>” assumptions to the core.<\/p>\n
In fact … the collective “pause<\/i>” between …<\/p>\n
“Yes it would<\/i>” … and “but it’s not about us …<\/i>” highlighted it.<\/p>\n
I sensed it. I felt it. And I immediately felt so bad for the discomfort I was putting my friends through …<\/p>\n
Because I know … just the mere thought of being around me where others knew me before … gives all a moment of “shock and pause<\/i>“.<\/p>\n
I so know the anxiety they felt just for that one, brief second – the visual of association and identification of being with a transsexual in front of others.<\/p>\n
Because I know what that feels like – I am one.<\/p>\n
Which is why there is a big difference in comfort levels for me between being around people that never knew Joe Hairdy and being around people that knew Joe Hairdy.<\/p>\n
The former, usually can’t imagine me ever being a convincing boy, and usually I forget I ever was around them. In those situations … I’m just another girl. (well, let’s be real here … I’m not just<\/i> another girl :))<\/p>\n
While in the later, you can tell by their eyes, people still see me as boy. Boy pretending to be a girl. Definitely a transsexual. Weird.<\/p>\n
Now of course, they pretend they aren’t thinking of me as such.<\/p>\n
Because they don’t want to hurt my feelings.<\/p>\n
But that is the way it is …<\/p>\n
Pretending upon pretending …<\/p>\n
Exponentially compounded.<\/p>\n
And it totally sucks.<\/p>\n
And that’s what The UnUsual Suspects would experience if I would bowl with them next year … a sort of extended feeling of being an out transsexual. But in a worse way.<\/p>\n
Because not only do they have to deal with the anxiousness they feel themselves … but on top of that … let’s be real … a bowling alley is not a good environment to be a transsexual. \ud83d\ude42 There are several people that know us all that will NOT be accepting, nor tolerant in the least.<\/p>\n
Now fortunately for me … the only people that know both Joe and me are people that care about me and are not destructive.<\/p>\n
And, just as for me, there will be a big difference even for them being someplace where we’re hanging together and most people DON’T know Joe.<\/p>\n
Because to them … though The UnUsual Suspects will see Joe … they’ll also see others that are only seeing Amy.<\/p>\n
And over time … that will help The UnUsual Suspects. Increase their comfortability.<\/p>\n
So getting together at other locales … going out for food and drinks … is all good … all healthy … all fun. (Though of course, the initial 5 million times I’m around them, I will be a stress attack waiting to happen !! \ud83d\ude42 )<\/p>\n
But putting them in a situation where they have to experience what I do … where people know both past and present personas …<\/p>\n
That’s just not right.<\/p>\n
It’s just not fair.<\/p>\n
Now I know … it’s “next year” …<\/p>\n
And a lot can happen in 12 months.<\/p>\n
But it’s not a fiscal year we’re talking.<\/p>\n
Because in reality, next year is 7 weeks away.<\/p>\n
And possibly sooner.<\/p>\n
And I have to make a decision …<\/p>\n
Do I have the courage to put myself through that stress?<\/p>\n
Do I have the selfishness to put my friends through that stress?<\/p>\n
Is that even a battle worth fighting ??<\/p>\n
Because after all, it’s just bowling … and it’s not about the bowling.<\/p>\n
It’s about the friendship and companionship … there are plenty of other opportunities for that with The UnUsuals.<\/p>\n
Yeah, I know … seems like I’m dwelling on a tiny little issue here … but I’m not over-obsessing on this …<\/p>\n
I’m sharing this as an example of what types of decisions you have to make when you choose to stick around post-transition.<\/p>\n
‘Cause it’s not just about where you’re going to bowl …<\/p>\n
It’s about where you eat, where you shop, where you work-out, anywhere there is a pre- and post- possibility of connection.<\/p>\n
So, what’s the answer to the question as to whether I’ll bowl next year?<\/p>\n
Right now, I don’t know.<\/p>\n
But we will soon.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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