Wow.<\/p>\n
Everyone knows.<\/p>\n
The secret I kept hidden from the world for decades has finally been disclosed to all of those close to me.<\/p>\n
And in so many ways … it is a relief. The anxiety caused by maintaining such a lie about a core element of one’s being is exhaustive.<\/p>\n
But with the relief … the honesty … the freedom,<\/p>\n
Comes some sadness.<\/p>\n
Because once told … people stop looking at you the same way.<\/p>\n
For me, I’ve been fortunate … I haven’t been exposed to any extreme looks of disgust.<\/p>\n
I’ve experienced shock, disbelief, amusement, curiousity, anger, sadness, concern, fear, indignation, pity and a multitude of other emotions … but not disgust.<\/p>\n
So far anyways.
\n
\nBut what makes its exit upon the arrival of the new looks is the look Joe Hairdy used to receive from people … obviously different looks from different people … but they were looks of love, respect, affection, awe (hehe, yeah right :)) or other such positive looks.<\/p>\n
I don’t receive such looks anymore. And for good reason …<\/p>\n
Everyone who is close to me has now been informed of the lie I’ve been perpetuating on them … and though they understand the reason for the lie, and though some question whether I was actually lying … they all understand that for me … Joe Hairdy was a role.<\/p>\n
And now they question who I really am. The me<\/i> they thought they knew … doesn’t exist. And interest in me<\/i> … in the Joe Hairdy role … has passed.<\/p>\n
The continuation in my life at this point … of those now in the know … is fortified by a sense of obligation … by the memory of the me<\/i> they used to believe in and love … and the hope that in time … they will find that I’m still the same me<\/i>, only different.<\/p>\n
Shaft is already there. Of course, he’s had so much more exposure to me than anyone else, so it only makes sense. But also, Shaft is special … it’s rare that someone can have a friend like him … and I know that. There’s no one else like him. Anyways … when we’re interacting now … it’s the most natural thing in the world for me … to be in Amy role … and regardless of my presentation at the moment … we interact in a way incredibly similar to how we always have … with as much life, fun and gusto as we always have … only different.<\/p>\n
Singer has had moments of such. There have been times where it’s clear to me … she’s totally seen … I’m still me<\/i>. And when I’ve seen that look in her eye … it’s a wonderful feeling. Dad too. I’ve noticed it sparkle in his eyes on occasion, and he’s even commented on it himself. Ex has had a few glimmers also.<\/p>\n
But it takes time for people to accept the belief that I am still me<\/i>. And during that time … interest and trust in the Joe Hairdy role wanes.<\/p>\n