{"id":3395,"date":"2004-05-09T23:45:13","date_gmt":"2004-05-10T04:45:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/amynews.com\/?p=924"},"modified":"2015-10-08T17:40:01","modified_gmt":"2015-10-08T21:40:01","slug":"cinco-de-unusual-suspects-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/2004\/05\/cinco-de-unusual-suspects-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Cinco De \u2026 UnUsual Suspects"},"content":{"rendered":"
My office deadline that I had to meet proved much more difficult to make than I had expected …<\/p>\n
And I wasn’t necessarily pleased with having to make it in the first place,<\/p>\n
So, yes … I was developing a bit of an attitude.<\/p>\n
Combine that with the …<\/p>\n
Unspoken, subconscious stress caused by the anxiety of pushing my limits in finally coming into the office during the day with a risk of encountering people I know that don’t know and who I don’t want to know …<\/p>\n
Along with …<\/p>\n
Unspoken, subconscious feelings of anxiety associated with my earlier realization that at this point my passing is more so in the hands of others, not me …<\/p>\n
Plus…<\/p>\n
Unspoken, subconscious feelings of worry that someone or others were either clued into my function months ago without my knowledge or totally guessed it and were passing along their speculation as fact …<\/p>\n
With a …<\/p>\n
A very spoken, conscious feeling of the cold I had earlier in the week decided that it wanted a return visit …<\/p>\n
And I was whipped by the time I left my office.<\/p>\n
Satisfied … happy … and totally geeked,<\/p>\n
But whipped nonetheless.<\/p>\n
I was half-way home when Singer called to tell me the Wednesday night UnUsual Suspect gathering plans …<\/p>\n
Singer, Hottie and Miss Daisy are all going to make it …<\/p>\n
Sister was an unlikely attendee,<\/p>\n
And I was too since I had earlier placed my attendance at 50\/50 in light of my docket and my general feeling of not great.<\/p>\n
But it was Cinco De Mayo,<\/p>\n
Plus Hottie was finally back home,<\/p>\n
And Singer had wisely picked this week’s drinking location to push my limits a bit …<\/p>\n
Which seemed to be the theme for the day !! \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n
Sooooo …
\n
\nAfter stopping at home to say ‘hola’ to Indiana Jones Lando Calrissian,<\/p>\n
And realizing I was going to have to go back down to my office anyways,<\/p>\n
I decided to venture back out and join The UnUsual Suspects for a beer before heading back to the office.<\/p>\n
Now the reason this particular bar was pushing my limits is that,<\/p>\n
Unlike the suburban bars that we have generally been frequenting in our attempt to avoid running into people we know,<\/p>\n
This is closer to dt and certainly qualifies as being on the list of our previous haunts in the old days,<\/p>\n
It’s almost a certainty we’ll run into people we know.<\/p>\n
Now I’ve got to confess …<\/p>\n
I’m a total mix of emotions, reactions and feelings in all of this.<\/p>\n
I think almost all of my friends will acknowledge a bit of surprise in some ways at how unhesitant I am to do many things as me, just walking into places without the display of a second thought, interacting and socializing with people who I’ve just met, laughing and having a good time …<\/p>\n
But that’s not quite accurate … because whenever it comes to just being me, just going out … it’s really not that I don’t display a second thought about it …<\/p>\n
It’s that I don’t even have a first thought about it.<\/p>\n
It’s just me being me … which is honestly pretty easy.<\/p>\n
No … my angst comes when I’m placing myself in situations of familiarity where not only could I be recognized or read by people that I know … but that a judgment about me might be drawn solely based on my transsexualism.<\/p>\n
Shaft has always said …<\/p>\n
That it is part of my nature that I won’t let something be easy for me;<\/p>\n
That I’ll go far out of my way to make something easy for someone else, but when it comes to me …<\/p>\n
That I must have some pain associated with or burdened placed upon me in exchange for receiving something good; and,<\/p>\n
That I feel I must earn anything positive in my life.<\/p>\n
He’s correct.<\/p>\n
I totally feel that way.<\/p>\n
And the direction my transition has taken …<\/p>\n
Is following that very same line.<\/p>\n
Had I run away, left town, relocated as I had originally schemed …<\/p>\n
The cause of the most significant stress I feel in my transition,<\/p>\n
Bring recognized or read by people that I know, judged, and talked about,<\/p>\n
Could have been avoided,<\/p>\n
Would have been avoided.<\/p>\n
But the reaction and support I received from those close and important to me,<\/p>\n
Convinced me to stay,<\/p>\n
Try and make it work here.<\/p>\n
Now they have all went above and beyond any definition of Friendship in helping make it easier for me to accomplish that.<\/p>\n
But still,<\/p>\n
I have to step up to the plate time and time again and place myself in settings, environments where I am honestly …<\/p>\n
Scared to death.<\/p>\n
Yet … at the same time …<\/p>\n
Having not to be scared to death,<\/p>\n
Because fear …<\/p>\n
In addition to being the mind-killer<\/a>,<\/p>\n Is also one of the biggest tells one can have.<\/p>\n So each time I am placing myself in a such a setting,<\/p>\n Once I’m in the environment,<\/p>\n I simply cannot be fearful.<\/p>\n It’s not that I can pretend not to be scared,<\/p>\n Pretending isn’t good enough …<\/p>\n It shows like a blemish under cheap make-up.<\/p>\n You just can’t be scared.<\/p>\n And the way I get to the point …<\/p>\n Whether I’m sitting at home, in the parking lot, or outside a bar …<\/p>\n Is that once I decide to proceed,<\/p>\n I simply follow the sage 80’s advice and say,<\/p>\n