{"id":3352,"date":"2003-08-30T07:33:03","date_gmt":"2003-08-30T12:33:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/amynews.com\/?p=438"},"modified":"2015-10-08T17:43:31","modified_gmt":"2015-10-08T21:43:31","slug":"feelings-whoa-whoa-whoa-feelings-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/2003\/08\/feelings-whoa-whoa-whoa-feelings-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Feelings \u2026 whoa, whoa, whoa \u2026 feelings \u2026"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’m phreaking lonely and I need new acquaintances. The kind you have in real life. Ones where I don’t have to drive to another city with which to hang. I’m tired of being in the confines of my house pretending to be happy. I’ve lost interest in shopping by myself. I long for a dinner and movie companion. I’m frustrated having to be a part-time boy. I’m pissed about only being able to be a part-time me. I’m bitter about my all encompassing fear of being read. I’m saddened how after all this time, I still have to push myself, test my limits, overcome the paralyzing fear … “Amy, just keep going girl, you’re okay, you’re not being read. Just keep going dammit !! LISTEN TO ME !<\/i>” I’m phreaked about the upcoming changes in my life. I’m exhausted from trying to be supporting and understanding of family and friends. I’m bored with the redundancy of my voice training and exercises. I’m infuriated that all I get are negatives. I feel empty how no one cares about me, but just about the role I’ve played. I’m indignant about being perceived as suddenly stupid. I’m disappointed that isolation and withdrawal have such an allure to me. I worry about job and career. And … I’m unhappy that my life is in such a state.<\/p>\n

But you know what … though I feel each and every one of those emotions so intensely, sometimes my brain just shuts down and I stare at a wall … I’m okay with it.<\/p>\n

“Say what jellybean?<\/i>”<\/p>\n

Yeah, seriously. I’m okay with it ! \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

First of all, I am totally convinced, that the emotions I’m now feeling are just part of the whole transition process. Whenever I feel this way, I go to others on-line journals and diaries covering this time<\/a> during their transition. And though maybe said in different ways, the crux of the emotional track is the same. I think we all go through it. I think in some ways it helps us grow and mature, emotionally and socially, as women.<\/p>\n

And second of all, I’m phreaking feeling<\/i> !! Something I rarely used to do when I was just going through the motions of pretending to live life. Feeling involves risk … you’ll have some good feelings and some not-so-good feelings … but if you’re feeling, you’re living. And since I’m starting to feel … I’m starting to live. And that’s so kewl !! \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

But still, the positive aspects of starting to live and the belief that it’s not as bad as it could be, doesn’t mitigate what I’m feeling right now:<\/p>\n

Loneliness. Frustration. Pissed-off-ness. Bitterness. Sadness. Phreaked-out-ness. Exhaustion. Hate. Terror. Anger. Boredom. Infuriation. Emptiness. Indignation. Disappointment. Worry. Pissed-off-ness again. Unhappiness.<\/i><\/p>\n

I think I’m going to take a dose of isolation and withdrawal this weekend.<\/p>\n

wtph<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’m phreaking lonely and I need new acquaintances. The kind you have in real life. Ones where I don’t have to drive to another city with which to hang. I’m tired of being in the confines of my house pretending to be happy. I’ve lost interest in shopping by myself. I long for a dinner…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kad_blocks_custom_css":"","_kad_blocks_head_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_body_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_footer_custom_js":"","_kadence_starter_templates_imported_post":false,"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[132],"tags":[],"taxonomy_info":{"category":[{"value":132,"label":"Family and Friends Info"}]},"featured_image_src_large":false,"author_info":{"display_name":"Amy","author_link":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/author\/amy\/"},"comment_info":3,"category_info":[{"term_id":132,"name":"Family and Friends Info","slug":"family-and-friends-info","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":136,"taxonomy":"category","description":"","parent":0,"count":26,"filter":"raw","cat_ID":132,"category_count":26,"category_description":"","cat_name":"Family and Friends Info","category_nicename":"family-and-friends-info","category_parent":0}],"tag_info":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3352"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3352"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3352\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3352"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3352"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3352"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}