(aka “The Flux Capacitor”<\/i><\/b>)<\/p>\n
“If you keep doing the same ol’ thing,
\nyou’ll keep getting the same ol’ thing.”<\/i><\/p>\n
I overheard someone say that yesterday as I was walking down the street …. makes sense …. good observation ….. whatever.<\/p>\n
I fully expected that once I got to this point ….. the Decision would be easy for me to make …..<\/p>\n
But it hasn’t been.<\/p>\n
Granted …..<\/p>\n
I do think it is obvious what my Decision should<\/u> be …..<\/p>\n
Clearly Option 1,<\/p>\n
I’ve known that for a while.<\/p>\n
But actually making<\/u> a Decision hasn’t been easy for me.<\/p>\n
That’s why I did this exercise,<\/p>\n
To sort through my thoughts and feelings with regards to what I might possibly do …..<\/p>\n
To see if that helps make it easier for me to decide what course of action to take.<\/p>\n
But it didn’t …..<\/p>\n
It just reaffirmed what I already knew. That ….<\/p>\n
My family and dear friends are critically important to me;
\nIt would be terribly painful for me to disappoint or hurt them; and,
\nI watch way too much television.<\/p>\n
Now ….. I know …. this is a HUGE decision …..<\/p>\n
It’s the rest of my life I’m talk about …..<\/p>\n
So it makes sense that it’s not easy …..<\/p>\n
And it should be difficult.<\/p>\n
I also shouldn’t be looking for the Decision to be made for me by others,<\/p>\n
This is something I need to Decide for myself.<\/p>\n
And I have.<\/p>\n
To see the first Option voted off the Island …. then
\n
\nA Tie.<\/p>\n
Option 2 and Option 4 are the first to be eliminated.<\/p>\n
Both at the same time.<\/p>\n
Now before you get all pissed off that there was even a tie,<\/p>\n
And that Option 4 should have never been considered …. listen.<\/p>\n
Option 2 is really no different than what I’m doing now,<\/p>\n
Trying to manage two different personas, and<\/p>\n
Struggling to maintain their distinctions.<\/p>\n
It’s treading water,<\/p>\n
Frustrating,<\/p>\n
And just killing time.<\/p>\n
For some, it’s not only a legitimate Option, but the only option.<\/p>\n
However, under my circumstances, there is no need to do it.<\/p>\n
The only reason to choose Option 2 would be a fear of making a Decision.<\/p>\n
And for me, Option 2 really wouldn’t be living a life at all. I’d just be going through the motions, with no end in sight.<\/p>\n
Which is why it’s tied with Option 4.<\/p>\n
For me, Option 4 has a lot of merit to it,<\/p>\n
It eliminates my discomfort, and<\/p>\n
Could preserve happy memories of me for my family and dear friends.<\/p>\n
But …..<\/p>\n
Like Option 2 …..<\/p>\n
Not only is it not living a life …..<\/p>\n
It’s permanently ending one.<\/p>\n
With no chance of recovery.<\/p>\n
And for me …. both are simply unacceptable.<\/p>\n
As such, those two Options have been discarded, banished and exiled.<\/p>\n
For good.<\/p>\n
Option 3 is the next Option eliminated.<\/p>\n
I really liked Option 3.<\/p>\n
I loved playing Joe Hairdy.<\/p>\n
It was a great role and I relished being liked as Joe Hairdy.<\/p>\n
A fine son, a devoted ex-husband\/adulterer, a loyal friend ……<\/p>\n
But ….. it was just pretend.<\/p>\n
My real life may not be as nice as the pretend life I’ve been leading.<\/p>\n
It could be much harder,<\/p>\n
I could have fewer friends,<\/p>\n
Less respect and material possessions.<\/p>\n
But it will be a life I’m living.<\/p>\n
It’s time for me to stop pretending and grow up.<\/p>\n
Which means ….<\/p>\n
Option 1 is my decision.<\/p>\n
I have decided to transition fulltime into a female role.<\/p>\n
It wasn’t an easy decision by any means.<\/p>\n
I have struggled and deliberated on this a great deal.<\/p>\n
And it was not a decision I made before beginning this process.<\/p>\n
Though I have presented these posts in a somewhat informative and attempted entertaining way ….<\/p>\n
This wasn’t something I took lightly.<\/p>\n
It’s a serious decision.<\/p>\n
I have thought a great deal about this …..<\/p>\n
What it means to me ….<\/p>\n
What it means to my family.<\/p>\n
In fact, truth be told, the first Option eliminated was Option 2.<\/p>\n
In attempting to accommodate all, it satisfied none.<\/p>\n
It just was not going to work.<\/p>\n
That left Options 1, 3, and 4.<\/p>\n
And again, truth be told, I took the approach of trying to avoid Option 1.<\/p>\n
That left Options 3 and Option 4.<\/p>\n
I have an inherent distaste for Option 4, but under my circumstances, found myself though not really considering it a choice, finding it less and less distasteful, if delivered properly.<\/p>\n
Being scared of that thought process, I then went right to Option 3.<\/p>\n
But every time I thought of spending my life actually going through the motions of pretending to be someone I know I’m not ….<\/p>\n
How tiring, how draining, and how sad that would be,<\/p>\n
I found myself thinking that Option 3 would only be a short term choice, and that some day, some place ….<\/p>\n
Option 4 would make a return visit.<\/p>\n
And if I’m finding it less distasteful now, imagine what I’ll think of it in 5 or 10 years.<\/p>\n
Which meant ….. I had to bring Option 1 back into the picture.<\/p>\n
And I did.<\/p>\n
And though terrifying the bejeebers out of me, and<\/p>\n
Totally phreaking me out when I think of actually implementing it,<\/p>\n
At the same time, I sense<\/p>\n
A peace,
\nA comfort,
\nAn honesty.<\/p>\n
With this Option.<\/p>\n
And a chance to be ….. me.<\/p>\n
When thinking about each of the Options ….<\/p>\n
Though it’s the one with the greatest risks,<\/p>\n
No guarantees,<\/p>\n
And only one real “advantage”,<\/p>\n
Option 1 was the only option I didn’t feel a sense of anxiety or dread when thinking about doing for the rest of my life.<\/p>\n
I didn’t choose to be a transsexual,<\/p>\n
But I am choosing what to do about it.<\/p>\n
I’ve chosen Option 1.<\/p>\n