So last Saturday,<\/p>\n
I was planning on going over to my mom and dad’s house …<\/p>\n
To watch the Michigan-Notre Dame game with my dad and brother,<\/p>\n
As we always do.<\/p>\n
But first …<\/p>\n
I needed a new Michigan shirt to wear for the game,<\/p>\n
Since none of my old Michigan shirts really do the trick anymore, and …<\/p>\n
Because if I wasn’t wearing a Michigan shirt while watching the game,<\/p>\n
It would be bad luck,<\/p>\n
Michigan might lose,<\/p>\n
And I’d be to blame.<\/p>\n
(Back off kids, I actually believe that !! :))
\n
\nSo a couple of weeks ago when my poor mom and sister-in-law were getting a taste of what shopping with Amy is like …<\/p>\n
Hey, I tend to wander, what can I say<\/i><\/p>\n
I had eyed a total Amy-style Michigan top in the juniors department at Penney’s:<\/p>\n
Tight fitting, blue, with buttons on a v-neck so I could button the bottom two when around mom, dad and bro …<\/p>\n
While buttoning none when around strapping anesthesiologists !! \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n
I was sorta, kinda tight time-wise accomplishing everything I wanted before gametime …<\/p>\n
And was moving at a brisk pace when I entered the store at the mall from the south entrance …<\/p>\n
Where a irritatingly cute young woman was sitting at a table with these little candy bars all laid out.<\/p>\n
“Would you like a Sweet Savings chocolate, ma’am?<\/i> She asked me as I’m about to pass by.<\/p>\n
“Gawd yes, thank you,<\/i>” I replied quickly !!<\/p>\n
Wow … no wonder women like to shop … stores give us candy !!!<\/p>\n
I then continued on my way to the juniors department,<\/p>\n
Until I paused in the shoe department …<\/p>\n
To browse,<\/p>\n
At which point I scarfed down the candy bar lickity-split.<\/p>\n
Finally, as I was about to continue my trek,<\/p>\n
I eyed another candy girl distributing the more candy near the east entrance.<\/p>\n
Sweet !! \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n
So I tossed my first wrapper in the trash behind the register …<\/p>\n
To hide any signs I already had been given a treat,<\/p>\n
Wiped the corners of my mouth to make sure that I hadn’t any other evidence displayed, and …<\/p>\n
Made my way in her direction.<\/p>\n
“May I have a chocolate please?<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“Of course, take your pick.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
Wow … how kewl is that ??<\/p>\n
Hmmm … maybe I should just blow off the game and spend the rest of the day in the store shopping and eating chocolate !!<\/p>\n
Focus Amy, Focus.<\/p>\n
Well, I finally did make it to the collegiate apparel I had seen a few weeks ago and noticed that the racks indicated they were on sale …<\/p>\n
Sweet Savings 10 – 40% off.<\/p>\n
Free chocolate bars and a sale !!!<\/p>\n
Could things get any better ???<\/p>\n
So, I found the top I had eyed earlier and grabbed my size (that would be a medium for anyone planning on doing some holiday shopping for me !! :))<\/p>\n
However,<\/p>\n
As with any trip to the mall for me …<\/p>\n
They are rarely quick,<\/p>\n
And I found a couple of other options that I wanted to try.<\/p>\n
So while I finished off my second candy bar,<\/p>\n
I selected four different tops and made my way to the fitting rooms.<\/p>\n
After finding my original choice still the best for me,<\/p>\n
I reassembled myself and tossed out the second wrapper in what would kind of work as a waste receptical in the fitting rooms.<\/p>\n
Once I had returned the tops that didn’t make the cut with me,<\/p>\n
I tried to figure out what the price was on the top I had chosen.<\/p>\n
The sign said it was on sale …<\/p>\n
Sweet Savings 10 – 40% off,<\/p>\n
But I couldn’t find anything but the original price tag on the top.<\/p>\n
Come on … this shouldn’t be that hard !!<\/p>\n
Whatever.<\/p>\n
I was running late and just had to get going,<\/p>\n
So I started on a hunt for a register where I could check-out.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately,<\/p>\n
Each register station I found had about 8 people in line with only one person working the register.<\/p>\n
Ahhhh yes …<\/p>\n
That’s why I get frustrated shopping at Penney’s.<\/p>\n
Sometimes I do find things I like there,<\/p>\n
And the prices are very reasonable …<\/p>\n
It’s just that the service bites.<\/p>\n
Well,<\/p>\n
Feeling a bit of pressure time-wise …<\/p>\n
I ended up doing a lane-like swap thing you do in the grocery store switching between aisles in an attempt to guess which checkout will be quickest,<\/p>\n
Except in this case,<\/p>\n
I was walking all over the store trying to find that elusive checkout station that actually was staffed and had no one in line.<\/p>\n
And just like happens in the grocery store …<\/p>\n
All of the lines really move at about the same pace,<\/p>\n
Slow.<\/p>\n
So I made my way to the register by the south entrance where I entered and figured I’d just wait in line forever,<\/p>\n
But not before finding another candy bar distribution hoochie and scamming another chocolate fix.<\/p>\n
The line at the south entrance was long.<\/p>\n
Really long.<\/p>\n
And I was behind a family of 20 that felt the need to have each single one of them purchase one item at a time,<\/p>\n
One person at a time.<\/p>\n
Fifteen minutes later,<\/p>\n
I long since finished my third candy bar,<\/p>\n
And had folded the wrapper into the shape of a spear …<\/p>\n
Where I reenacted the shower scene from Psycho and pretended to repeatedly stab each of the 6 people from the same family now remaining in front of me.<\/p>\n
Come on people …<\/p>\n
Parties your size should all check out as a single sale and split the bill later.<\/p>\n
STAB STAB STAB<\/p>\n
And have a gratiutity of 20% added to your bill !!<\/p>\n
STAB<\/p>\n
Finally,<\/p>\n
It was my turn …<\/p>\n
And as I laid the top on the counter,<\/p>\n
I wadded up my paper spear and asked the delightful checkout lady to throw it away for me,<\/p>\n
Which she did.<\/p>\n
“Oh, this is a cute top,<\/i>” she said in a chipper mood, apparently unaware that I had just given birth while waiting in line … which considering my history, was quite the challenge and took a great deal of time.<\/p>\n
“Yes, I like it,<\/i>” I answered, consciously suppressing the desire to expand my answer with a “duh<\/i>“.<\/p>\n
“And do you have your Sweet Savings coupon?<\/i>” She asked.<\/p>\n
“Pardon?<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“Your Sweet Savings coupon … it’s on the inside of the wrapper of the chocolates we’re handing out. And they are really good chocolates this year. Did you get one?<\/i>”<\/p>\n
Ohhhhhh …<\/p>\n
I get it now !!!<\/p>\n
This was a shopping game !!<\/p>\n
Kind of like I guess takes place at bridal and baby showers !!<\/p>\n
Krap … I have so much to learn.<\/p>\n
“Ummmm, oh, I didn’t know. I don’t have one, may I run and get a piece of chocolate?<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“Oh sure, no hurry,<\/i>” she said.<\/p>\n
At which point I turned to see the woman standing behind me making stabbing motions at me with her paper spear.<\/p>\n
I did quickly return being the proud recipient of a 30% off coupon and my fourth piece of chocolate for the day.<\/p>\n
I paid for my purchase …<\/p>\n
While making a bit more small talk,<\/p>\n
“So, are you a Michigan fan?<\/i>”<\/p>\n
“I suppose, though really, I’m just getting it because I was told I had to wear a top with a block M today or the wedding was off.<\/i>”<\/p>\n
A comment which garnered a chuckle from the lady behind me who was previously stabbing me.<\/p>\n
I then started to enjoy my chocolate as I made my way towards the exit.<\/p>\n
I was almost at the exit door when I faintly heard …<\/p>\n
“Ma’am, ma’am, ma’am !<\/i>”<\/p>\n
Naaw, they couldn’t be calling for me,<\/p>\n
So I started to open the door.<\/p>\n
“Hey, you sarcastic bitch !<\/i>”<\/p>\n
Oh, I guess it is me they want.<\/p>\n
So I turned to see the checkout lady chasing me down …<\/p>\n
“You forgot your purchase ma’am,<\/i>” she said slowing down.<\/p>\n
“Oh my gawd, thank you,<\/i>” I said, changing my mind about the krappy service I usually identify with the store.<\/p>\n
Which I was just about to tell the lady …<\/p>\n
When I noticed the woman previously behind me in line assembling an M-16 out of chocolate candy wrappers and pointing it in my direction,<\/p>\n
So I just quickly thanked her again and hurried out the door,<\/p>\n
Acknowledging to myself that I have so much yet to learn …<\/p>\n
I had no idea such shopping games ever existed.<\/p>\n
What a rookie !! \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n
Epilogue:<\/b> Notre Dame eventually won the game by beating the living krap out of my lifeless Michigan team …<\/p>\n
And since I was wearing a Michigan top and did not default on any of my other bothersome, superstituous rituals …<\/p>\n
It wasn’t my fault.<\/p>\n
It was because Bo Phreaking Schembechler possessed Lloyd Carr and our offense reverted to its 1970’s\/1980’s form …<\/p>\n
Four trips in the red zone, four freaking field goals … give me a break.<\/p>\n
My poor brother had to deal with me punching him while screaming … “Oh my gawd, oh my gawd … what is this krap !!! We’ve got a qb with a solid arm and one of the best receiving corps in the country and what do we do? … Off tackle right, off tackle left, off tackle right, punt. Geezuz phreaking kripes !! It’s Bo Schembechler all over again !!<\/i>” PUNCH<\/p>\n
We totally deserved to lose, but that is not meant to imply that Notre Dame didn’t deserve to win. Notre Dame legitimately won it by outplaying us. However, even though I am acknowledging that Notre Dame was a superior team on that given day, don’t think for a second I’ve softened in my distaste them. I still hate the bastards !!<\/p>\n
I can just hear the chants now in South Bend …<\/p>\n
Break out the whiskey !!<\/p>\n
We need more beer !!<\/p>\n
Pass around the altar boys !!<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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