The Lowe’s Down

When I made my Decision to transitioooon,

It was based with an assumption that …

As a result of being one with Function,

I’d spend the rest of my life …

Relationshipless.

Certainly not a truism for which I hoped,

I would love it not to be the case.

However,

Reality is reality,

And the likelihood of …

Encountering a guy that sparks my interest.

Who possesses the special skills requisite to handle me,

And is able to get over any issues of My Function baggage,

While also being strong enough to deal with krap he would encounter for hanging with me from those in the world that get self gratifying thrills from judging and talking about others,

Is slim.

I know that.

Such is life.

But don’t get me wrong,

Just because I accept it,

And am pretty much SYB with it,

Doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like it to be …

Not the case.

Of course,

I’m not complaining about it,

‘Cause well,

For starters,

Why complain?

But also because,

To this day I can’t adequately describe how much I didn’t know what living life was all about,

Until I transitioned.

And now that I’m actually living life,

Heck,

On the oft chance I do cross paths someday with that special guy,

At least now I could give having a relationship a real shot.

It’s so worth the trade-off of significantly reduced relationship likelihood.

Anyways,

That’s a bunch of background krap to get to the point of this point ….

Which is:

Sometimes there are settings that are really hard for me to put myself,

Because they amplify my relationshipless awareness.

Now since it’s me we are talking about,

You can rest assured,

I don’t shy away from any such settings,

You can’t thicken your skin unless you accept getting some scar tissue,

Said it before,

I’ll say it again.

Driving around my old neighborhood,

Seeing the former house,

Memories evoked,

The recollection of a hopeful life,

That’s tough on me.

It’s one of my harder self-induced emotional cuts.

But this weekend,

I found a new situation that was suprisingly difficult for me.

A trip through Lowe’s Home Improvement.

Within moments of entering the large warehouse-style facility,

I encountered the first of many, smiling couples …

Both young and old,

Making Spring purchasing decisions.

The first was a young couple in the market for a gas grill,

Then another making shelving decisions,

Another set looking at kitchens,

And still others making yardcare and painting acquisitions.

Melancholy from solo-awareness sometimes sneaks up on me,

And it did on Saturday.

Unfortunate,

On such a nice, sunny day.

Anyways,

Since Saturday morning,

When I had my first Lowe’s experience,

I’ve been back there once,

Went to Home Depot twice,

And Menard’s once,

For no reason other than to get over it.

The more I cut,

The less it hurts.

I also drove through my old neighborhood.

Sure wish they would paint the old house or something,

I think that might make it easier …

For me.

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123 Comments

  1. Amy
    I seem to have had a problem posting – don’t know if it’s me or if I’ve been banned!!!!!! πŸ™‚
    Would just like to thank you for the very in depth post re steamy porn!!!!!!
    X

  2. Shandy πŸ™‚ … I totally knew the Steamy Porn thing. Thanks for noticing !!! I run my name through an anagram generator from time to time just to get new passwords. πŸ˜‰ A nice little primer as to how I picked my name can be found here, but it’s a bit outdated. My middle name is actually Marie. My mom made that call … I thought I shared the background on that someplace. When I told my parents, actually, when I told pretty much every one of my friends … Amy did not get an embracing round of approval … everyone had suggestions other than Amy. πŸ™‚ As a compromise to my mom who wanted to re-name me Rebecca, we agreed Marie would be my middle name. Which I think is kewl … it’s my mom’s middle name, my paternal grandmother’s first name and two of my cousins’ middle name … so it has nice family heritage. As far as my last name goes … I was filling out an application way back when to get an additional credit card in my girl name and knew I wasn’t going to keep my original surname, as it was just too unique and identifiable, but I did want something that started with the same letter as my then last name, so I flipped through a People magazine, saw a picture of Kelly Preston and said, “Eh, that’ll do. Only need it until some guy decides to take on the challenge of the Amy and marry me“. For what it’s worth, I do some writing on the side under a different last name and I picked that last name the exact same way (it doesn’t start with a P though). First name there is Amy still, I’m always Amy. πŸ™‚ Except in some bar situations, of course, my bar name remains Jane Rove.

  3. JC – Nope. Client was a no-show. In legal shorthand, that’s written as Delta-symbol FTA, BWI.

    Bobbi – No need to apologize. Actually, I do enjoy continual posting, not just occasional, and it is something I continue to do. My personal challenge is posting without causing issues in my real life, as what I do post about is my real life, events and occurrence, successes and failures, how I interpret interactions and what I feel. I do it not only for my own personal chronicle of experience, but also so others in a similar situation can see what someone else has experienced, maybe help them in some manner. But my openness in that respect, which I think is important, also can complicate my life when someone takes exception to what I’ve perceived or written about. I’ve been struggling with that issue for a while .. I sort of solved that problem on the personal side by writing and not posting on here, but that really bothers me because I swear there are some experiences that I know others have also encountered or have to deal with that I want to make sure people they aren’t alone, or learn from how I mishandled something. I did consider password protecting some posts and sharing the password only with those of Function or interested others, but the implementation of that is ridiculous as passwords get shared and I hate the message it conveys that there is some secret conversation taking place. Ultimately, I just have to share the posts I have written dealing with the last year or so … don’t me wrong … 99% of them are positive, kewl experiences … they really do highlight the greatness in people, it’s just dealing with the occasional challenge sometimes bothers people if they think they are the challenge being referenced. And that’s totally understandable. Fortunately though, with the dirth of posts the past year, I don’t get nearly as many people in my real life saying “this better not end up on your website” ! πŸ™‚ So basically what I’m saying is … don’t give up on me Bobbi. I’m almost at the screw-it point and there will be plenty of posts to appease you ! πŸ™‚

    Rebecca – You nailed it … thanks. I will. And yeah, I’m all about the Blake and Sha…sha…shake, but I do think Jordin has the voting edge. She does have a better voice, but I think Blake is more entertaining.

  4. Hi Bobbi! On one level, you are absolutely right. Moving on is inevitable, and Amy’s blog must join the archives of others that chronicled this very personal journey. It will serve as a guide for girls that stumble upon it desperately in search of answers to very hard questions.

    I, however, would like to encourage Amy to move on to writing about all the other things in life, because she is a great writer. A little lazy, a little distracted, but not unlike many other great writers. I know that the day-to-day grind of making a living as a lawyer is tough, believe me, but if you have a gift for humor and satire, and the subtle expression of it in written form, it can be very fulfilling to share that gift. Lawyering alone is a thankless and unfulfilling job, for the most part.

    Personally, I want to know what Amy thinks about American Idol. C’mon, Blake rocks, in many ways! Even though I know Jordin is going to win it all.

  5. I am not sure how I feel about the posting delays and ensueing discussion. I enjoy reading this blog and the comments, as much for the humorous writing style as anything, although sometimes I feel like a voyeur peeking into the life of a successfully transitioned transwoman. On the other hand, I suspect that in the past, posting may have been cathartic to Amy and a big help in the transition process. My guess is that she is now way past that point and while occasional posting might be fun, continual posting may be burdensome when one has gotten on with living a real life. I should probably apologize in advance if I have offended some (again). Do I have it right?

  6. Yodette do you mean “typing ” in a stiff deliberate pace? heheheheh I did see a new pic up there looks like it was taken around 8pm tonight? Amy was out and about!!! enjoying the warm weather!!!

  7. I guess we are right on schedule then? did you guys see the “stalking amy” thing??? does that mean we can find out where she is anytime? or just when she wants us to know??? hhhmmm….

  8. Remember, Amy’s Christmas post was followed by seven or eight “I will have my next post really soon” comments and three months passed before The Lowe’s Down. It’s almost seven weeks until the next quarterly report is due.

  9. What happened ? wheres the update? Amy did you forget us? or work again? I was so looking forward to seeing a new entry oh well at least we can add to this one maybe beat the other one??

  10. Every year when I get my bar journal directory I always look up my law school classmates to see where they are, intending to touch base and never following through. Anyway, I saw Amy’s name, Ameeeelia, and thought, wow that’s pretty cool! I wonder if someone someday is going to look me up when he/she gets the new directory a couple years down the road, and realize I’m gone! Actually, just re-located to another part of the directory.

  11. Amy.
    I know this is a bit off topic but I was wondering where you came up with the name – Did you know you are an anagram of steamy porn!!!!!!!!!!
    X

  12. 100….. after being called odd my whole life i have grown to hate odd numbers that and i get to say 100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  13. 99….. Amy when you get up can you bring more Coors Light we are running low here at “Amyparty 2007” in S.C. and yes the shrimp were not shrimpy???

  14. ROFLMAO !!! You had so many links in that comment, that it got caught up in my spam kontrol software !!! Of course, I approved the comment as soon as I noticed it … mocking The Amy is not only allowed, it’s encouraged ! πŸ™‚

  15. LOL That’s funny !!! I know it feels like that … but it’s not my intent. I just fell asleep last night. Sorry ! I’ll make you proud though, I won’t promise I won’t pull the football away (okay, when I publish my post Playing Football, you’ll realize what that last phrase just made me snicker !), but a posting explosion is imminent.

  16. Jellybean is very social!!! she loves everyone! and she may get miss priss to enjoy the food and water!!! oh yea??? i forgot Jelly and I love ribs and chicken too…. save us some! and maybe we can save some for what was her name???? oh yea! Amy didn’t she say she was updating tonight May 7th? its 8:35 pm here the countdown is on!go flip the chicken its done on that side…uuuummmm smells good!

  17. Jellybean is welcome, as long as she is social with other dogs! I have an all white shepherd girl named Sasha, but she hates shrimp, and the water. She’s little miss prissy!!

    Come on, everyone on 3, 1 2 3, Aaaaaammmmyyyyyy where arrrrre youuuuuuu!!!

    OK I’ve got to go tend my bbq ribs and chicken.

    ~R

  18. Can i bring Jellybean? she’s my chocolate lab i never leave home with out her and she loves fish and shrimp!!!matter of fact she like to swim too.!!! should we start our annual “Where’s Amy” party ????? and invite everyone??

  19. Hey Jenny, I’m down in Charleston S Carolina 10 minutes to sandy warm beaches! Come on down, we’ll go buy some fish and shrimp right off the fishing boats and grill ’em up!!

  20. Holy krap Meg … you’re right !!! That blows me away it’s been that long. I’ll post tonight, as in Monday, May 7, 2007.

  21. Does this mean its up to us to entertain ourselves till Amy shows up? if so party time!!!!! who’s house do we have it at? I am in Providence RI about 30 mins to rocky cold beaches …. ok so maybe someone is in Fla….. or warm climate

  22. Amy !!! i just looked for BDAY pictures ??? none? i was hoping to see a pic of you under a table somewhere or on one dancing???

  23. Amy “growing up is optional” I LOVE IT!!! its going to be my new mantra!!!!!thanks troopleader !!! you know i still have not gotten another bottle of corona since we were together last !!!!! i could really use one ….. its been a tough year! chat with you soon!!

  24. If Amy posts another today it will be cutting the time between posts from three months to one month. If not …

  25. Oops, here’s a belated Happy Birthday to you Amy.
    Hope you’re well honey.
    Oh, still no new post,I see but a lot going on round about. We’re now past 80! Are we going for the 100 mark again?
    x

  26. Thanks for the voicemail Jenny !!! πŸ™‚ Happy Birthdays are always okay for me, I don’t mind getting older, because as Troopleader said … growing up is optional !!! πŸ™‚

  27. Amy!!! Happy bday!!!! but i sent an email and a call before!!!! I did not know if it was ok to say HAPPY BDAY!!!i did not want to stir up anything …. as for me there are no more birthdays till i get to visit Dr.Z!!! hahahah

  28. πŸ™‚ Thanks everyone !!! You’re all too sweet !!! You’ll never hear me komplain about getting older … because as far as I’m concerned, it sure beats the alternative !!! πŸ™‚

  29. May I be the first to say “Merry AmyMas” even though it really is AmyMas Eve … Happy Birthday (tomorrow) !! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ Have a wonderful day and may your next year be full of wonderful friends and good times!

  30. Yea, good or bad, I have no reference point either. All I was thinkin was how many SHORT guys there were in there.

    Best guys to flirt with were the bouncers. Sheet…did you see those guys? One of them was a phreakin Schwartzeneger dude! Lots of laughs with him.

    As many guys as there were there, I would rather go man hunt in a regular bar. The distraction quotient (for the guys) was just too high.

    Chi town next stop!

  31. Wow !!! Wasn’t that krazy !?! LOL I don’t have much boobie bar experience, but I thought that was a rather nice place … and considering that I was there fully clothed and there were nekked girls dancing on stages just over my shoulder, I still received a nice amount of amytention. I’m not going to make it a habit or anything, but I do have to say … I totally dug the numbers, something like 50 guys to every 1 non-dancing girl !!! Gotta love those odds !!! πŸ™‚

  32. Amy by the way its raining here and has been since sunday…. so much for nice weather and guess what??? its supposed to rain thru to saturday …..aaahhh jedi backlash huh? i get one day and you get 6……well at least it will be in the hi 60’s here sat and sun comming up! and next week 70’s dare i say that…..

  33. oh GODDESSS( wow am i earning my amypoints this weekend huh?)thank you for the nice day sunny here and 55 and a little windy(nobody is perfect) but Jelly and i will be at the park for sure!!! and i have been getting reports from phili about a certain blonde causeing trouble and also shortages of coors lite everywhere….. enjoy!!!!!

  34. Meg … LOL A Veeerrry long post !!! LOL Thanks for the comment ! πŸ™‚

    JC … Girl !!! Love the e-mail address you used !!! LOL πŸ™‚

    Jenny … Thanks for sticking up for me !! I shall spare you from the snow this weekend !!! Did you see those pics of a couple days ago … phreaking amazing !!! It’s April for kripes sake !

    Yodette … Wow ! “Avocation” … that’s a sweet word !!! I had to look it up … it’s perfect !!! That’s why she’s the Jedi Maahster people !!!

    I’m on my way to the IFGE Conventiooooon in Philly this weekend … I’m a mere 12 hours late, as when I booked my tickets I could have sworn my hometown departure time was 6:48 AM … but when I got the confirmation, it said 6:48 PM … proof positive pholks that despite coloring some of the non-pigmented strands in the Amy-mane, I am a natural blonde !!! Anyways, I’m at the airport right now … there are two uberlicious boys that were standing behind me at check-in sporting some sweet English accents who have just made their way into the Home Turk Sports Bar … I’m going to roll the dice that in light of their accents and the fact they checked-in for overseas travel, they are safely outside The Local Rule tenets … meaning, I have some flirting to go do. Mwore later. Love ya’ll ! Peace out. πŸ™‚

  35. Hey !!! stop picking on Amy she is living life! and working and maintaining a select few local bars… oops!!! i let it out …heheheh really Amy I love you !!!!! and please don’t punish me by sending any snow this way ok? Jelly like her walk in the park to much!

  36. Amy, I don’t think any of us expects you to post on a regular basis, especially when you’re post-everything. If life is good, go out and live it! We enjoy your wry humor and snarky comments as much as your RL friends, no doubt, appreciate it.

  37. I’m keying The Local Rule right now … I’m hoping to finish it and post it yet today, though this cold I have is beating the daylights out of me.

    Yodette – Yeah, you’re probably right, I don’t post as many, but I do spend as much time writing.

    JC – Ahem, of course ! The klues are there ! πŸ™‚

  38. I still live here. I’ll toss a couple up today just to prove it ! Yodette’s just commenting that as one transitions, eventually they get to the point where they start spending more time out and about and less time at home working through the transition process. Now, I punch just as many posts out as I ever did, it’s really not that real life activity has intervened with my postage, it’s more that I have to deal with the challenge of reaction when real life responds to my postage … though since my posts have been so infrequent of late, maybe that’s not much of a concern anymore. πŸ™‚

  39. Well, that’s what happens when you come to the party at 4:00 a.m. I’ve missed out on all the fun! I guess it’s time for me to go home. G’night and take care all y’all!!

  40. Its up to 30deg in MI today- Shorts Weather!

    Isn’t it amazing we get more freaked out by the appearance of an Amy post than a bigfoot sighting? They are so rare now even a lurker such as myself must comment. Thanks for another thought provoking posting, Amy.

  41. Hey girl, I understand it’s a little cold there in Michigan! 20s and snowing. Little boo hoo! Meanwhile, I will be out back bbqing a yummy teryaki steak. In a t-shirt!! It was a little too chilly here for the beach today unfortunately, like 68 degrees.

    I’ve been rubbing it in with my Michigan friends today, so I thought I’d include you!! Take care Amy!

    ~kc

  42. “I’m convinced that once the AMY puts her mind to something, you’d better believe it’s gonna’ happen …”

    Eventually.

  43. Hey Amy~

    I’ll bet under closer scrutiny the “Stepford” couples you saw at Lowe’s and Home Depot could have been overheard sharing a few choice words over paint colors, cabinet styles, wood stain, … hmmmmm? πŸ˜‰ **WINK**

    I’m convinced that once the AMY puts her mind to something, you’d better believe it’s gonna’ happen …

    XOXO
    “Sharon”

  44. Amy said, “I still get lectured for using The Force at the bar to get free drinks . . .”.

    That just made me think of . . . Chocolatinis! I loooove chocolatinis, my favorite little playmates. They don’t betray you!! lol lol lol

    I was at a party Saturday and the host was making chocolatinis, I was dying laughing then too!

    Funny ’bout those mailboxes, I was browsing this other girl’s site and thinking OK she seems pretty cool, when I see she had an r2d2 mailbox blawg post! She was elevated to goddess status! She’s slightly SW obsessed too. What is the connection between the Force and Function? Too many coincidences!

  45. Here’s my question on the mailboxes… How much money did the USPS pay for licensing and creation of the boxes? Money that could be used for automation and increased efficiency, offset postal rate increases, etc? It just seems that the USPS should be in the business of delivering the mail…and that’s it. Not the celebration of a sci-fi movie’s anniversary, providing people with a hobby, teaching history, commemorating individuals, etc. Just make an official stamp with a postage amount on it, deliver whatever it’s stuck on, and cut out anything else that runs up expenses.

    Maybe I’m being too harsh.

    Amy, good to see some posting from you again. Hope you’re well and that you’re still tuning in to 24.

  46. KC – Aren’t those mailboxes rocking ?

    Bobbi – I know !!! I was trying to think of a funny April 1 post, but ended up pretty much working the entire day yesterday and before I knew it, it was April 2. πŸ™

    KC – Yodette knows me very, very well … and considering how I do so like to laugh, even at myself, well … especially at myself πŸ™‚ … teasing is a very good approach with me ! πŸ™‚ Let me tell you, when I was her padawan, she used to teased me relentlessly ! Though, I do have to admit, I did give her some good material to work with … “Do or Do Not … or if Amy, over-analyze to death, but when finally making a decision, implement immediately” … yeah, I have issues, I’ll take a hour to decide if I’m going to remove the bandage, but if I decide to do it, it’s a given I’ll just rip it off !!! Only hurts for a bit, yo ! πŸ™‚ And yes, I know … once a padawan, always a padawan … I still get lectured for using The Force at the bar to get free drinks and, ummm, yeah, I use The Force to cheat in bowling, too. πŸ™‚

  47. Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow… or the day after that… or the day after that… .or….

  48. I was in your neighborhood, so I thought I’d stop and say hi. Sorry if I was overly snarky in my last comment! I went out looking for an r2d2 mailbox today, and I was gonna send you (Amy) a pic of me and the ‘bot. But I live in Lametown apparently.

    Oh and I’m pimping my new blawg page on 360. Is my name in blue? Useless ramblings mostly. I’m way too verbose but such is the handicap of my profession. If anyone here is a 360 girl, send me a shout because I desprately need “friends” (story of my life). I have like 2 now.

    P.S. Hi Sally!

  49. Amy:
    Welcome back!!!! You’ve been missed.
    I’m not even transitioned but I’m doing things that move me along the road to that.
    Being an Amy is not in the cards for me but having Amy’s outlook about what it means to live a life that more rerstful and pleasant has already started for me just by making a decision or two. I have a long way to go and at my age the sky is not the limit but I love the feel of it all the same. I’m really happy and content with myself for the first time in my life.
    Why?because you and others like you and all the commenters here have shared a part of their lives for those of us who needed some encouragement and push.
    Thank you Amy and Thank you all!!
    Sally

  50. omfg nice pics with the r2d2 mailbox!! It is comforting to know someone’s Star Wars obsession is unhealthier than mine.

  51. Aims,

    “If you find yourself struggling without a relationship, you’re not alone. Yet you are alone. So very alone!”

    I retrofitted this cheery little sentiment from despair.com just for you hon! And, one more just to make sure your spirts soar:

    “You were meant for someone, perhaps as a punishment!”

    Hang in there Babe – I am certain you’ll find that special someone. Heck, if you can’t, then my chances of finding Mr. Right are way lowe!

  52. Meg … you’re not klueless at all. I was trying to get it so if you hovered over it, it’d would tell you the meaning, but I haven’t finished that tweaked of yet.

    SYB is an acronym for Sure, You Bet.

    It’s amykode for a sarcastic affirmative of something for which you’re not in agreement, but really don’t have the energy or interest in validating with a formal, position taken negative. I’ll expand on it further, but I’ve got to get to bowling ! πŸ™‚

  53. There are some really encouraging words coming through here.
    There realy is hope for us all to find love… πŸ™‚

    Hope you’re all well.
    Hugs,
    Nikki.
    x

  54. About 10 years ago, when I almost transitioned, there was a lady who worked as our receptionist for a few months. She was obviously (at least, to me) capable of much much more than the job she had, but she seemed to be satisfied with it (till she left for something much better). At the time I think she was mid-50’s, at least, and close to 6 ft tall, but very slender.

    During that time, we would talk. I thought maybe she was trans, but I never had the courage to ask, even though i was so close myself at the time. Regardless of whether she was or wasnt, it was what she said to me once,

    she was talking about the new guy in her life, and she told me of something he said to her that touched her deeply. He said (and I still remember this) “I don’t care where you’ve been in your life, I care where you’re going”.

    There are people like that out there. Be true to yourself and you will find each other. This I believe.

    Glad you’re back. I was getting worried there a bit. πŸ˜‰
    -Jude

  55. Amy, again you put it very well on paper, I recognise the feeling. I knew in advance that it’s highly unlikely to meet mister right when I starting walking ‘the path’. And, even now some years down that path, I still see it that way despite the fact that most girlfriends believe it will happen some day. It can give that feeling of missing out something when I see friends around me get into relations or having a nice relation (marriage, baby talk etc). Sometimes I just long for that warm body to lay myself against after a straining day and find a feeling of peace and protection.

    BUT then there are those times that I think ‘Life is easier without a relation’. I don’t have to take anybody into account except my job, dog and cat. I still want to do things in life and I am doing a lot of them already which takes up much of my free time. Time which I wouldn’t have so much if I was in a relation.

    So I feel in the end it is all balanced out. And I have enough years to settle down on the couch with mister right. He can wait, I want to live my life to the fullest first.

  56. This really wasn’t meant to be a loneliness post …

    It’s more a relationshipless post.

    I’m very blessed in so many ways, ya’ll here keep me up when I’m feeling low and isolated; I have the best family one could ever hope for; and friends that I consider family. Not to mention there are so many other people in my life, who though I don’t know that well or hang out with frequently, do or say those small, nice things that gives me strength when I don’t feel as if I have any left. I really don’t feel lonely that often … and when I do, I just go out … alone. πŸ™‚

    However, with that being said, I do go out alone a ton. And sometimes I’m very aware of just how often I do. Now as a few of you have suggested, my relationshiplessness is partly my own doing … but that’s an understatement, it’s mainly my own doing. Tomorrow’s post will klarify. πŸ™‚

  57. Kenna said “I’ve seen β€˜em with their hands all over your butt.

    *snicker* *snicker* πŸ™‚

    I’m going to be in Philly the weekend of April 13. Or are you talking about doing an NYC weekend? Talk to me chica !!! πŸ™‚

  58. KC – Nope, this post isn’t about the really bad experience I had a few weeks ago … that one’s working title is Friday Night Phights. πŸ™‚

    Thanks for the uber nice comments !!! You could lead a great pep rally !!! *hug* πŸ™‚

  59. In that I haven’t yet “filed off my horn,” I probably should just shut up, because I can’t possibly KNOW…but that would be so unlike me… πŸ™‚

    What I can say, Amy, is that I think you are a wonderfully fun, intelligent, and gorgeous woman. Any man would be lucky to find himself in a relationship with you. It will happen…in the meantime, keep in mind that it’s human for any single person to feel pangs of loneliness.

    Keep in mind, also…that the grass always looks greener. There are those of us who are eager to get out of a relationship. Life is what you make it, hun…

    *hugs*

    Tara

  60. Whoa. Weird. I haven’t visited here in ages, and lookie here..Amywan posts!

    Anyway, I think much of your mindeset (about the reaction that guys have) is driven more by…whats the legal term here…heresy testimony than actual eyewitness accounts, are they not? Don’t tell me guys aren’t interested in you, cause I’ve seen ’em with their hands all over your butt.

    Yea. I’ve had guys dump me when they found out, and guys that didn’t give a rats ass, so you never know…

    You coming east in April?

  61. Amy you took the first step into life when you went thru transition and now you are just a young woman exploring the world enjoy it and learn from it and yes its lonely …lonely as hell I know as i try to get thru it every day just like many of us here and not just transgender go thru this everyone does to a certain extent so hang in there you are a wonderful pretty girl and if i were a guy … i would love to have you and i know there are guys out there and one for you so dont get all down on yourself ok? remember you are loved by all of us here and your family and all of your friends ! so please dont get down and if you do i will offer you my ear so call me and we’ll chat ok? so for now take care of yourself and know you are loved! by the way welcome home!

  62. Loneliness, hmmm, yes!
    Actually, I’m very suprised by just how many men (that’s the ones who’ve been told about my “function”) have told me that although they’d find it hard to forget that I’ve had a past, initially, it doesn’t seem to deter them from wanting to persue me after they’ve chatted to me and got to know me better (I’m glad i filed off those horns, lol). Maybe it’s because I set my sights very low and just didn\’t expect any man to find me attractive (or likable) but they do keep shocking me when they say that they don’t care or than part of my life is in the past. Like you Amy, I’d find it just as hard to find a man who “sparks my interest”.

    Mind you, having said that, let’s not forget that if the general public openly knew of my “function” I suspect that there’d be 100 times as many men out there who just wouldn’t touch me with a barge-pole (or if they did, it’d be to whack me with it)!
    Hugs,
    Nikki.
    x

  63. Oh, flipping heck. I’d have been first if work’s computer had let me leave a comment. Work really is begining to interfere with my social life!

  64. Well, when I first started writing my comment I was first! BTW I read my comment again and it sounded like a pep talk, and that wasn’t the intent. It was my honest assessment fwiw.

  65. I think you may forget how isolated you feel even in a relationship when you cannot be yourself but it is hard. I hope you find someone that makes you happy.

  66. Was this your bad experience from a few weeks ago? Here’s a hug Amy *H*, and my $0.02. I think you will be in that relationship soon, at least sooner than you think. A real honest good relationship, where you can grow and love the way you were meant to. I say that too with an unhealthy pessimism toward relationships in general (just imagine the painful stories behind many of those smiles at Lowe’s).

    Loneliness may be a chronic condition with many of those who transition, as it is with a HUGE part of the general population, but I think you are different. It’s odd asserting my opinion like this about someone I haven’t even met, but you’ve opened yourself up to me (and everyone else) through this blawg so honestly, that I’m going to make this character judgment: Your humor, vulnerability, honesty, outgoing nature, femininity and plain good looks are going to attract the right man. Plus, you are out there living life. That combo puts you way ahead of the game. Granted, you’ve limited the field somewhat geographically, also by being a successful outgoing professional (most men can’t handle that), and yes the whole Function thang, but that just means it is going to take a little longer. He’s going to find you, and when he does, let it happen. That means don’t deliberate it to death!

  67. I agree Yodette … Home is where you make it. πŸ™‚

    Wooo hooo JC !!! Well done !!! I was wondering who would first notice I finally started phreaking publishing again ! πŸ™‚

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