I really don’t do Stealth that much.
I’m much more comfortable Woodworking.
But while in both transition …
One doesn’t actively seek Function calls,
And both probably see …
Some delicate dancing around situations which could lead to them,
With the Stealth approach,
There is more of an affirmative attempt to deny one’s Function,
Which also usually means there is probably a greater risk of sorts,
Whether it’s personal, emotional or physical,
If one’s Function is called.
Now that’s not saying that in Woodworking there isn’t a risk …
It’s just that when one is Stealth,
I think generally the risk is greater.
Now I mention all this …
Because recently I flunked out of my Stealth Class.
There are few situations …
Where I make an affirmative attempt to disguise and deny My Function,
And my bowling league of the past couple years is one of them.
Now for those new to the scene,
A couple of years ago,
I found myself doing the nomad bowler circuit.
Roaming from one bowling alley …
Whatever it took to give me something to do,
And keep me getting outta the house.
It wasn’t necessarily a good experience really,
I felt like a loser,
Found myself in some less than comfortable situations,
And never really hooked up with any group where I felt I belonged.
I just didn’t enjoy myself,
And I eventually was bowling less and less,
While just going out more and more,
Taking some dangerous risks.
That is …
My Bowling Agent,
Took me out of the bowling alley in which I was rolling around,
And connected me with her sister,
Who was in a league that had a team that needed a body,
And I kids,
Was willing to be a body !
Now this was at a time,
When word of My Function was just making the rounds.
And it was incredibly, beyond kewl that My Bowling Agent,
And a few others who were in on the know,
Were classy and kind enough to let me join their league.
Amazing, brave people,
I’ll never be able to thank them enough.
Now when I went there for my first night,
I don’t remember making a conscious decision to do Stealth,
But I do recall being concerned about not disappointing,
Or embarassing those that I knew,
Who were kind enough to let me join the league.
So I know I was planning on if anything,
Doing more a Stealth thing,
Than Woodworking thing.
It was in a part of town where I had limited contact,
I didn’t know people there really,
And those in the league that knew,
And let’s be phrank,
I hadn’t had the best of luck being a bowling gypsy,
So I really wasn’t expecting I’d be there long term anyways,
Hoped for it,
But definitely didn’t plan on it.
Though just like love kiddos,
It hits you when you least expect it.
I ended up totally feeling at ease with the team and league,
The people where great !
Not only did they laugh at my opening line when I first met them,
“Hi, I’m the bowler to be named later.”
One of them was phreaking able to name the movie from which I psuedo-plagarized it !!!
And when that same evening the words to me were uttered,
“Just to warn you Amy, with us … it’s not about the bowling.”
I knew I had found a home.
I laughed and felt so comfortable with everyone,
And loved my new team.
We bonded from that very first night.
People there became friends,
And I started hanging out with some on more than just bowling nights.
And the Amy favorite,
Were being formed,
The essential ingredient for a flavorful life.
But there was always than damn Stealth annoyance …
In the background.
Just like before,
During the Ver. 1.0 times,
I had a secret.
And the closer I got to people,
The greater to me became the risk,
Of the secret getting out.
I took chances, too.
Sometimes we’d go bar hopping to my usual haunts,
The risk of someone telling someone something was definitely there.
And though most of my speaking gigs aren’t local,
I make an exception for the local university,
And always felt the risk that maybe someone in one of the classes I gab with,
Would also be in the league.
And as much as a surprise this might be to a few,
I don’t usually just sit quietly in a corner,
I laugh, smile and love being around people,
So I tend to stick out in a krowd.
And people notice that,
So who knows who talks to who,
But the risk was always present that someone would get the word,
And then spread it.
Though as time went on,
I thought less and less about it.
It was a great part of my life,
I was hanging out with wonderful people,
And I got to be just the Annoying Girl Next Door,
Instead of the Annoying Girl Next Door Who Used To Be A Guy, Man !
At the end of last season,
I got the word there was some analysis by one of the teams,
Sporting a premise that I used to be a guy,
And they were sharing their theory with others.
I have to believe I turned white as a ghost when I heard it.
Of course I did my best to not show I was rattled,
Was I ever rattled !
I finished out the season,
But to say I was scared krapless,
Is sort of an understatement.
Took a lot of personal steel for me to work up the nerve to continue out the year.
On one hand I was pleased with myself for not chickening out,
On the other hand,
Sometimes I’m stupid.
Over the summer,
I had to make a decision:
- Do I take a gamble and continue bowling there … Stealth;
- Do I out myself and try to continue bowling there … Woodworking; or,
- Do I quit.
Well, instead of boring you with the long, detailed analysis of how I arrived at the decision,
And you know, there was indeed a long, detailed analysis :),
I’ll give you the short Kliff Notes version:
Continued Steath didn’t seem like a realistic option. Once the analysis starts to focus on you in that regards, it is hard to shake it. From what I understood, the team sharing their theory of My Function wasn’t selling it well to others at the time, some of those they told it to weren’t buying it, but, I didn’t expect them to stop selling it. It was a group of girls that were spouting it, and one thing I know, girls can be catty. And considering I am 0 – 2 in chick fights (both by knockout too, I really am a klueless, skillless chick fighter), the odds of me coming out of this one well continuing Stealth weren’t good.
Outing Myself also wasn’t a good option. This was a co-ed league … and though I didn’t solicit guys’ attention, it’s not my nature to discourage it either. As guys would drink, sometimes they would attempt to steal kisses, gropes and grabs. And though no one ever got a return kiss or invitation for another after stealing one, and I discouraged groping and grabbing fairly firmly (I do hug though) … over the years, there were enough interactions, and requests for date dates … that there would possibly, likely be some people that would not be krazy to find out they grabbed, groped, attempted to kiss or go out with … me. I felt the risk in this instance was just a little to great.
Quit. It’s not what I normally do. Usually in such situations I cop an attitude and respond with a “screw it” and then do the thing that makes everyone uncomfortable, which would probably be outing myself. Mutually assured destruction isn’t necessarily a deterrent to me. However, this time around, quitting seemed like the most prudent thing to do. By disappearing, quiting the league I could hopefully make me a none-item-of-interest to the team that was theorizing about mwah; if I could just fade away … the guys that groped, grabbed or attempted to steal kisses could hopefully never have to question their own sexuality or self-identity, endure any shit from others, for being nice enough to compliment me from time to time … and those that knew My Function, would hopefully not have to deal with any of the questions about knowing, or did they know, My Function. It’d just be easier, better for all.
I did want to Disclose to my team though.
They welcomed me into their group,
Were nice to me,
And cared for me.
They celebrated my birthdays with me,
Included me in events when otherwise I’d be attending happenings solo,
And always were interested in just how I was doing.
Good, good people.
They deserved to know My Function,
And hear it from me.
After I told them I wasn’t going to be able to return,
By spinning a possible half-truth lie that …
I was moving (the possible part) to be with this guy I was seeing (that’d be the lie part),
(Yeah, I know … a krappy lie. I’m just not good at it.)
We made arrangements to all go out one night,
Which was when I was going to tell them.
Though as I was on my way to the bar to meet them that evening,
They called and had to cancel plans,
So I never got the chance to tell them,
At least yet.
I hope to someday,
As I want to tell them.
Maybe they already know.
When one does the Stealth thing,
Their sensitivities are heightened,
To clue in when someone might be getting wind of their Function.
And in this case,
There was more than one occasion when I thought that at least a couple of those on my team knew.
Though I long ago gave up trying to predict, guess a person’s reaction to Disclosure,
My inclination is that knowing them,
They’d be fine with it,
At least after any initial shock passed,
You never know.
I hope I get the chance to find out.
That’s the decision I made,
It’s also how,
My new bowling team,
Became The New Old one,
And how once again,
I was a bowler without a home.
The first couple of weeks of bowling this year,
The New Old called me !!!
To let me know they were thinking of me. 🙂
I even was able to go see them a couple of weeks ago,
Along with some of the others in the league,
Sliding into the alley,
Trying not to attract to much attention to myself.
I miss them all.
So, so comfortable and fun.
Wonderful, good people.
I was lucky to have the time with them I did.