That is how I was mistaken for a prostitute at Chili’s on Saturday night,
Wild, huh ? 🙂
So I wasn’t having a good week,
Not a particularly good week at all:
Flashback to the previous Wednesday evening:
Got blown off, ended up drinking alone.
Then fast foward from that Wednesday evening to the next evening, Thursday:
Got blown off, ended up going out alone.
Then fast forward 48 hours from that Thurdsday evening to Saturday evening:
Got blown off, again.
Despite apparently having a significant aura of catchable cooties about myself,
I figured I’d go out anyways …
To some bar with a few televisions,
So I could enjoy a couple Coors Lights,
And watch a game.
I didn’t want to let go to waste that night the fact that …
I was looking particularly fetching,
Even if had to say so myself (which clearly I did :)).
I really didn’t feel like putting much effort into going any place in particular,
Which meant my immediate choices for solo drinking were limited to:
- An assbackwards local bar where women pholk are not allowed unless accompanied by a man and men pholk aren’t allowed unless they are driving an oversized, extended cab pickup with monster ass wheels representing … well, we all know what it represents :);
- A bowling alley which is actually a lot of phun at which to hang out and drink; however, there are three guys that frequent there whom I’m sort of trying to avoid because they are really nice guys, but they keep asking me out and I’m running out of even remotely plausible ways to tell them no without just being blunt and saying “it’ll never happen unless you move to another city, because I have a rule where I refuse to date anyone from my hometown“; or,
Now truth be told,
I’m not a Chili’s fan.
I hate the place.
I’ve never had a good meal there,
Nor anything even remotely resembling good and courteous service,
And face it people,
That’s saying a lot,
Because when it comes to food and bars,
It doesn’t take much of an effort to please me.
Ever since they’ve banned Pam Beesley from the restaurant …
I’ve been boycotting the chain in protest.
Banning her is just ridiculous.
But on this particular Saturday night,
I really didn’t have much of a choice.
Option No. 1 was never a possibility,
And though I pulled into the parking lot of the bowling alley,
I didn’t feel like having to deal with being alone on a Saturday night and having the fact that I don’t have any real dating options available blatantly rubbed in my face …
I went to Chili’s,
And took a seat at the bar,
A fairly small bar I might add,
Occupied at that moment by:
Three fairly drunk men facing me while sitting on the other side of the bar. They were apparently finishing up their day of friendship and golf with a bucket of drinks,
A jerk of a bartender who wouldn’t even change the channel from some rerun of a sports awards show to an actual live ball game; and,
An Eerie dude sitting to the right of me around the bar perpendicular.
Did I mention the Eerie dude sitting to the right of me around the bar perpendicular?
A short while after I was there,
Another woman who appeared to be about my age,
You know, 34 ! 😉
Entered the bar, sat at a barstool between me and the Eerie dude,
Ordered a drink,
And then moved to a table off in the corner.
So that’s the lay of the land.
Now as they should always be,
My senses were finely tuned into my surroundings,
Though even a bit more so that night …
Since I was flying without wing support and all.
Sensing restlessness in this foreign bar,
I situated myself in the Bene Gesserit taught position for sitting at a bar while anticipating bar room challenges.
I marked the surroundings,
And ordered myself a Coors Light,
There is a time and place for keg beer … and a bar is neither.
I prefer my Coors Light in long neck bottle form,
However, tap beer in a mug is sometimes a good option because you can toss the beer easily at someone if you need a short distraction to make a quick getaway,
Which though I was hoping such wouldn’t be needed,
It was a precaution I thought prudent at the time,
I had a bad feeling about this.
The three drunk guys.
“Wow, wow, wow … aren’t you a pretty one,” the leader of the group said to me when he was finally able to make eye contact despite my attempts not to look in their direction.
“Thanks,” I said,
while sticking my finger down my throat smiling in reply.
“I’m Jim, this is Dave and the young one here is Larry.” He offered.
“Hi guys, nice videogame Larry,” I answered, intentionally omitting my name while giving a run at distracting them with my leisure suit reference.
“What’s your name?” He persisted. Apparently I wasted a nice 80’s pop culture trivia tidbit.
“Jane,” I provided.
Now I have been thinking of changing my bar name, however, I’ve found that Jane is a good name for evaluating a guy’s drunkedness …
- If they don’t make any dumbass comment about the name, they aren’t drunk or just have a slight buzz going;
- If they make the “as in plain jane” observation, they’ve got a healthy buzz going; and,
- If they make the “well, you’re no plain jane” comment, they are drunk off their ass.
“Well, you’re no plain jane.“
“Listen Jane,” he continued, “you need to meet Larry here, he’s hung like a horse.“
Note to self: Check out my girl operating manual again … is shit like this supposed to be arousing or interesting to me? Because if it is, I better go in for a check-up, as all it seems to do to me is make me feel like doing what I pretty much do after most of my meals.
“You know, I gotta tell you, the fact that you apparently know he’s hung like a horse is more than just a little bothersome to me,” I tossed back.
“Blkjsdf lopois lkajasdf lkaopsd ncadpprd,” Larry said to Jim.
Yeah, I know …
I have no clue what he said either.
“On behalf of my gender, I apologize for their behavior,” Eerie dude said in a total kreepifying way.
I smiled in reply. Yikes, Eerie dude bothered me more than the harmless drunks.
“I’m sure a pretty woman like you has had to deal with the likes of them your
tire life … it has to get annoying,” he offered.
I should have just went to the bowling alley.
“Oh, they are just out having a good time, it’s no big deal,” I answered. Seriously, Eerie dude was spooky.
I tried to pretend I was busy by doing some coding on a bar napkin. For the heck of it, I also took this opportunity to write down a good description of Eerie dude on a spare napkin, slipping it into my pocket in the event I ran into him later and found the need to leave a klue as to who he was.
About this time the previously mentioned woman came into the bar, sat between me and Eerie dude, which fortunately finalized Eerie dude’s conversation attempts with me as he decided to talk with the new woman at the bar.
I repositioned myself slightly to make it easier to avoid eye contact with both the drunks and Eerie dude.
Ugh, I so don’t like Chili’s,
But not so much as to refrain from ordering another Coors Light though,
Which was delivered to me,
While I watched a re-run of some 80’s awards show.
In the reflections offered in the bar,
I had kept the room tracked.
Drunk boys had moved to a table,
Eerie dude was still in the same place,
Staring at me frequently,
After the woman that had been at the bar earlier had moved to a table on the opposite side of the bar as the drunk boys.
I had just finished the inventory,
Looked back up to the television,
The John …
I felt breath on my left ear,
A face being pressed against the side of my head,
And some words being muttered,
Though I couldn’t tell what was being said.
Without moving my head,
I immediately looked right peripherally,
Drunk boys were at their table still,
Eerie dude was looking at me,
And at someone behind me.
I felt a hand on my ass.
I grabbed my mug of Coors Light with my right hand,
Having resigned myself to the phact I may need to waste some of God’s urinary nectar on the face of whomever was touching my butt without express permission nor implied consent,
Slid my right leg off my left knee, and …
Pushed myself left with my right foot against the front of the bar.
As I was turning left,
I let my Coach soho small hobo fall off my knee onto the floor,
I wasn’t happy about it, but that’s one of the nice things about a Coach, it can hold its own in a bar situation,
And I needed to be mobile.
I pulled the mug o’ beer around preparing it for launch,
While I postured my left arm in the lead defense role,
With my left hand readied for a preemptive strike.
As all my moves congregated into position,
I completed my turn,
Stood and saw Ass Grabber for the first time.
Demurely, I asked …
“WHAT THE PHUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING !?!“
Eh, okay …
So maybe it wasn’t so demurely,
But I needed to say it firmly enough so I could buy a few moments to see if I recognized him by chance,
While I made the split second decision to strike, defend, defuse,
Or on the slim chance that it was that Johnny Depp lookalike who kissed oh-so-nicely a few months ago in Chicago,
“Ah … Ah … Ah” was all the fairly attractive,
Early/mid-30’s guy standing there,
He took a step back …
And remained speechless,
Eyes wide open, and …
Mouth equally open.
I recognized the look in his eyes.
It was one of utter and complete …
“No, no, no … I’m over here !” Yelled the woman that had previously been sitting at the bar between me and Eerie dude.
Ass Grabber turned and looked at her,
And sort of stumbled his way in her direction.
The woman mouthed to me “I’m sorry,“
Ass Grabber said nothing,
Just turning to walk over to her and join her at the table.
The bartender couldn’t stop laughing,
Saying he’d never seen anything so funny (he needs to get out more),
Eerie dude commented that I was not having a good night.
I picked up my purse,
Took a sip of my beer,
Even after seeing me,
Face to face,
I don’t think Ass Grabber was convinced he had the wrong person.
Seemed he was more confused by my reaction,
Than by who I was.
The woman calling his name didn’t call him by his name …
It was just an “I’m over here“,
While Eerie dude,
Despite wearing a wedding ring,
Which just for the record I was also doing,
As I’ve taken to wearing my fake engagement and wedding ring most of the time in my hometown now anyways,
Was clearly on the prowl that evening.
Add to that the fact that Ass Grabber,
And I eventually arrived at the conclusion that the bar in this particular Chili’s …
Is a place where guys go to pick up prostitutes.
It’s more of a gut feeling,
Than anything else,
But it did seem like a reasonable konklusion,
And though I wasn’t really krazy about being mistaken for a prostitute,
On a positive note,
At least it appears my case of catchable cooties are on the decline,
As someone apparently was so eager to hang out with me,
He would have been willing to pay for the opportunity ! 🙂
That is how I was mistaken for a prostitute at Chili’s on Saturday night,
Wild, huh ? 🙂