Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting)
That is how I was mistaken for a prostitute at Chili’s on Saturday night,
Wild, huh ? 🙂
So I wasn’t having a good week,
Not a particularly good week at all:
Flashback to the previous Wednesday evening:
Got blown off, ended up drinking alone.
Then fast foward from that Wednesday evening to the next evening, Thursday:
Got blown off, ended up going out alone.
Then fast forward 48 hours from that Thurdsday evening to Saturday evening:
Got blown off, again.
Despite apparently having a significant aura of catchable cooties about myself,
I figured I’d go out anyways …
To some bar with a few televisions,
So I could enjoy a couple Coors Lights,
And watch a game.
I didn’t want to let go to waste that night the fact that …
I was looking particularly fetching,
Even if had to say so myself (which clearly I did :)).
I really didn’t feel like putting much effort into going any place in particular,
Which meant my immediate choices for solo drinking were limited to:
- An assbackwards local bar where women pholk are not allowed unless accompanied by a man and men pholk aren’t allowed unless they are driving an oversized, extended cab pickup with monster ass wheels representing … well, we all know what it represents :);
- A bowling alley which is actually a lot of phun at which to hang out and drink; however, there are three guys that frequent there whom I’m sort of trying to avoid because they are really nice guys, but they keep asking me out and I’m running out of even remotely plausible ways to tell them no without just being blunt and saying “it’ll never happen unless you move to another city, because I have a rule where I refuse to date anyone from my hometown“; or,
Now truth be told,
I’m not a Chili’s fan.
I hate the place.
I’ve never had a good meal there,
Nor anything even remotely resembling good and courteous service,
And face it people,
That’s saying a lot,
Because when it comes to food and bars,
It doesn’t take much of an effort to please me.
Ever since they’ve banned Pam Beesley from the restaurant …
I’ve been boycotting the chain in protest.
Banning her is just ridiculous.
But on this particular Saturday night,
I really didn’t have much of a choice.
Option No. 1 was never a possibility,
And though I pulled into the parking lot of the bowling alley,
I didn’t feel like having to deal with being alone on a Saturday night and having the fact that I don’t have any real dating options available blatantly rubbed in my face …
I went to Chili’s,
And took a seat at the bar,
A fairly small bar I might add,
Occupied at that moment by:
Three fairly drunk men facing me while sitting on the other side of the bar. They were apparently finishing up their day of friendship and golf with a bucket of drinks,
A jerk of a bartender who wouldn’t even change the channel from some rerun of a sports awards show to an actual live ball game; and,
An Eerie dude sitting to the right of me around the bar perpendicular.
Did I mention the Eerie dude sitting to the right of me around the bar perpendicular?
A short while after I was there,
Another woman who appeared to be about my age,
You know, 34 ! 😉
Entered the bar, sat at a barstool between me and the Eerie dude,
Ordered a drink,
And then moved to a table off in the corner.
So that’s the lay of the land.
Now as they should always be,
My senses were finely tuned into my surroundings,
Though even a bit more so that night …
Since I was flying without wing support and all.
Sensing restlessness in this foreign bar,
I situated myself in the Bene Gesserit taught position for sitting at a bar while anticipating bar room challenges.
I marked the surroundings,
And ordered myself a Coors Light,
There is a time and place for keg beer … and a bar is neither.
I prefer my Coors Light in long neck bottle form,
However, tap beer in a mug is sometimes a good option because you can toss the beer easily at someone if you need a short distraction to make a quick getaway,
Which though I was hoping such wouldn’t be needed,
It was a precaution I thought prudent at the time,
I had a bad feeling about this.
The three drunk guys.
“Wow, wow, wow … aren’t you a pretty one,” the leader of the group said to me when he was finally able to make eye contact despite my attempts not to look in their direction.
“Thanks,” I said,
while sticking my finger down my throat smiling in reply.
“I’m Jim, this is Dave and the young one here is Larry.” He offered.
“Hi guys, nice videogame Larry,” I answered, intentionally omitting my name while giving a run at distracting them with my leisure suit reference.
“What’s your name?” He persisted. Apparently I wasted a nice 80’s pop culture trivia tidbit.
“Jane,” I provided.
Now I have been thinking of changing my bar name, however, I’ve found that Jane is a good name for evaluating a guy’s drunkedness …
- If they don’t make any dumbass comment about the name, they aren’t drunk or just have a slight buzz going;
- If they make the “as in plain jane” observation, they’ve got a healthy buzz going; and,
- If they make the “well, you’re no plain jane” comment, they are drunk off their ass.
“Well, you’re no plain jane.“
“Listen Jane,” he continued, “you need to meet Larry here, he’s hung like a horse.“
Note to self: Check out my girl operating manual again … is shit like this supposed to be arousing or interesting to me? Because if it is, I better go in for a check-up, as all it seems to do to me is make me feel like doing what I pretty much do after most of my meals.
“You know, I gotta tell you, the fact that you apparently know he’s hung like a horse is more than just a little bothersome to me,” I tossed back.
“Blkjsdf lopois lkajasdf lkaopsd ncadpprd,” Larry said to Jim.
Yeah, I know …
I have no clue what he said either.
“On behalf of my gender, I apologize for their behavior,” Eerie dude said in a total kreepifying way.
I smiled in reply. Yikes, Eerie dude bothered me more than the harmless drunks.
“I’m sure a pretty woman like you has had to deal with the likes of them your
tire life … it has to get annoying,” he offered.
I should have just went to the bowling alley.
“Oh, they are just out having a good time, it’s no big deal,” I answered. Seriously, Eerie dude was spooky.
I tried to pretend I was busy by doing some coding on a bar napkin. For the heck of it, I also took this opportunity to write down a good description of Eerie dude on a spare napkin, slipping it into my pocket in the event I ran into him later and found the need to leave a klue as to who he was.
About this time the previously mentioned woman came into the bar, sat between me and Eerie dude, which fortunately finalized Eerie dude’s conversation attempts with me as he decided to talk with the new woman at the bar.
I repositioned myself slightly to make it easier to avoid eye contact with both the drunks and Eerie dude.
Ugh, I so don’t like Chili’s,
But not so much as to refrain from ordering another Coors Light though,
Which was delivered to me,
While I watched a re-run of some 80’s awards show.
In the reflections offered in the bar,
I had kept the room tracked.
Drunk boys had moved to a table,
Eerie dude was still in the same place,
Staring at me frequently,
After the woman that had been at the bar earlier had moved to a table on the opposite side of the bar as the drunk boys.
I had just finished the inventory,
Looked back up to the television,
The John …
I felt breath on my left ear,
A face being pressed against the side of my head,
And some words being muttered,
Though I couldn’t tell what was being said.
Without moving my head,
I immediately looked right peripherally,
Drunk boys were at their table still,
Eerie dude was looking at me,
And at someone behind me.
I felt a hand on my ass.
I grabbed my mug of Coors Light with my right hand,
Having resigned myself to the phact I may need to waste some of God’s urinary nectar on the face of whomever was touching my butt without express permission nor implied consent,
Slid my right leg off my left knee, and …
Pushed myself left with my right foot against the front of the bar.
As I was turning left,
I let my Coach soho small hobo fall off my knee onto the floor,
I wasn’t happy about it, but that’s one of the nice things about a Coach, it can hold its own in a bar situation,
And I needed to be mobile.
I pulled the mug o’ beer around preparing it for launch,
While I postured my left arm in the lead defense role,
With my left hand readied for a preemptive strike.
As all my moves congregated into position,
I completed my turn,
Stood and saw Ass Grabber for the first time.
Demurely, I asked …
“WHAT THE PHUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING !?!“
Eh, okay …
So maybe it wasn’t so demurely,
But I needed to say it firmly enough so I could buy a few moments to see if I recognized him by chance,
While I made the split second decision to strike, defend, defuse,
Or on the slim chance that it was that Johnny Depp lookalike who kissed oh-so-nicely a few months ago in Chicago,
“Ah … Ah … Ah” was all the fairly attractive,
Early/mid-30’s guy standing there,
He took a step back …
And remained speechless,
Eyes wide open, and …
Mouth equally open.
I recognized the look in his eyes.
It was one of utter and complete …
“No, no, no … I’m over here !” Yelled the woman that had previously been sitting at the bar between me and Eerie dude.
Ass Grabber turned and looked at her,
And sort of stumbled his way in her direction.
The woman mouthed to me “I’m sorry,“
Ass Grabber said nothing,
Just turning to walk over to her and join her at the table.
The bartender couldn’t stop laughing,
Saying he’d never seen anything so funny (he needs to get out more),
Eerie dude commented that I was not having a good night.
I picked up my purse,
Took a sip of my beer,
Even after seeing me,
Face to face,
I don’t think Ass Grabber was convinced he had the wrong person.
Seemed he was more confused by my reaction,
Than by who I was.
The woman calling his name didn’t call him by his name …
It was just an “I’m over here“,
While Eerie dude,
Despite wearing a wedding ring,
Which just for the record I was also doing,
As I’ve taken to wearing my fake engagement and wedding ring most of the time in my hometown now anyways,
Was clearly on the prowl that evening.
Add to that the fact that Ass Grabber,
And I eventually arrived at the conclusion that the bar in this particular Chili’s …
Is a place where guys go to pick up prostitutes.
It’s more of a gut feeling,
Than anything else,
But it did seem like a reasonable konklusion,
And though I wasn’t really krazy about being mistaken for a prostitute,
On a positive note,
At least it appears my case of catchable cooties are on the decline,
As someone apparently was so eager to hang out with me,
He would have been willing to pay for the opportunity ! 🙂
That is how I was mistaken for a prostitute at Chili’s on Saturday night,
Wild, huh ? 🙂
Amy, sorry to hear about your evening at Chile’s..LOL
you deserve only the best, still waiting for your next West Coast visit? or an invitation to meet you in your town ?
you get an overnight package recently?
let me know if you didn’t cause I’ll track it down…
Silly girl, next time bring a bodyguard, or at least a wing-girl/man. You’re way too cute to blithely sit in bars by yourself waiting for adventures to happen to you.
Might I be the first to say congrats to your Wolverines on the good old fashioned butt-whipping they put on Notre Dame. Any team that goes into their house and does that is pretty cool in my book.
I have pointed this out time and time again to my sister. She brushes me off. Need I remind everyone there is a REASON there is a Day of Rememberance?
Can I just say that I took the “Chilli’s” episode totally as a fun post. It made me laugh out loud and took me back to the Amy posts of old.I loved those times,sigh.
More please. But we should remember Hill St Blues.”Let’s be careful out there”
Without risk can a Jedi live? Danger there is in risk. Balance you must find.
Bobbi, you touched on what I really want to expand on … the real danger I do place myself in just being me. You and a couple of other chicas who e-mailed me raise a very good point.
As a member of the world’s second oldest profession (and as Amy saw, we are often taken as belonging to the older one), I am used to criticism.
Actually, Howie said what I intended to say much more articulately than I did…The real point is that as unfair as it might be, the rules are different for men and women and it is important for our safety to understand that. This is particularly so for trans women, who after transition are subject to the same circumstances that GG’s have lived under their entire lives and might not be fully aware of dangers that women might face. I guess what I mean is that women are more vulnerable than men (and we are not as strong either) and we need to take more precautions to minimize situations that could be dangerous.
ROFLMAO !!! 🙂
…dang…I already popped my popcorn in anticipation of a good ol’ fashioned crucifiction…. 🙁
LOL Hey all … I love the comments !!!
Ya’ll know the rules … discussion and disagreement is kewl, just play nice. You can challenge another’s opinion or thought process, that’s how we all get smarter, huh, just don’t say anything mean about a person as a person, except for me. You can say mean things about me … I don’t particularly like it, and it does bum me out, but it comes with the territory of me putting myself out here like this … though just be forewarned, I do have a personal assassin, and she’s damn good, not to mention I associate with a small legion of Jedi candidates. 😉
With that being said …I’ve got to write a follow-up post to this one. When I punched it out, it was meant to be a fun post, but I’ve had some feedback and commentary that makes me feel I need to toss out my thoughts on a few thangs.
Howie … Woo hoo !!! Thanks for the non-television comment !!! I’m happy !!! 🙂
Bobbi … Thanks for comment chica. Don’t shy away from sharing your thoughts !
‘Kenna … See ya later this week girl !!! Kan’t wait !!! 🙂
Sally … Tara’s right, I was helping Shaft build a deck. Deck Robyn Returns !!! 🙂
Tara … Thanks for sticking up for me girl, remember though, no name calling … unless it’s me of course, in which case most people just go with Bitch or Ph-ing Bitch. 🙂
Hmmm. Why ever say anything if you only say things everyone agrees with? That might get pretty boring. Actually, I’m going to PARTLY agree with something Bobbi said — the “what did you expect” part. Here’s the practically perfect take on this situation. IMHO, of course. Heh.
I think plenty of women (my own fiance included) can, should, and do often stop off at a bar for a relaxing drink after work, conversation with a familiar bartender…whatever. And their motivations should NOT be assumed to be sexual. That’s just pigheaded and it says alot about the guy making the assumption and NOTHING about the woman sitting by herself. In fact, the likelihood that a single, classy-looking woman like Amy is blatantly trolling at Chilis should be presumed, by right thinking men, to be low…compared to, say, the single woman in the tank top, short skirt, and red heels sitting in Blackjack’s Tavern in the seedy part of town.
That being said, a whole heck of a lot of guys who are sitting drunk in a bar will indeed make that pigheaded assumption, wrong as it may be. Some higher functioning males won’t. But many, MANY will. We all know that. Thus, my agreement with the, “what did you expect” part. It’s just gonna happen. As we saw.
I certainly don’t think going to a bar alone is a male privilege. But being a woman and going to a ANY bar, alone, with the expectation that no man there will incorrectly assume (or simply HOPE) that you might be trolling is also unrealistic.
Hey, look at me. A non-television oriented comment. Yeah!
She helped build a deck, Sally….
…let the crucifiction begin….
Going to a bar a lone is a “male privilege”????? Who the hell made THAT rule?
…what a neanderthal!
um Bobbie.. if you know you’re going to be criticized for saying it, then why say it? You couldn’t be more wrong. I have a good number of single (non trans) women friends and they will all tell you that you’re full of it.
Maybe its your age or something.
I’m sure I’ll be criticized (maybe crucified) for saying it, but what did you expect??? Unless they are complete lushes or looking for something/someone, women simply do not go out to bars alone, for exactly the reason you experienced. Sorry, but you gave up your male privileges (like going out to a bar alone) the minute you transitioned. Don’t wish for something too much…you just might get it!
So What’s Amy building in the picture on the right taken 9/9/06? Surely not a new house. The floor joists seem strong enough to hold up your recliiner assuming yopu put it clse to a wall.
But Monday night is alright for…television. Prison Break, in particular.
Yes, it is the perhaps completely unawaited and unanticipated return of Howie and his hopes for the funny and insightful TV review posts by Amy this fall season.
In addition to my usual favorite of Prison Break, I’ve added another 1 hour drama to my viewing… Nip/Tuck on FX. Over the top at times, it’s a guilty pleasure for me.
If nothing else, Amy, I hope you’re getting geared up for writing on another season of 24. Though I do continue to enjoy reading your non-televison oriented writing, too! Hope everything is going well for you outside of Chilis.
….I guessing that that happened even before the Coors Light kicked in….
Ummm, yeah. 🙂
Were you playing a little “air-saber” in that second pic??
Well Jenny, let’s be real … though my Jedi robe does conform with the tenants and practicalities of Jedi attire, it’s also reflects proper Amy-tude, specifically, it’s a bit shorter than traditional Jedi robes and easily falls off my shoulder ! 🙂
Jeez Aims, you made me loose the appetite to go to a bar -alone-.
I think I would get out after the first beer and sit by the tv at home.
this is just an obervation but … Amy how were you dressed to be mistaken as a prostitute??? Jedi robes can be most concealing so i wonder…hhhmmmm? heheheh
…so….in sum….a 34-year-old, “fetching,” prostitute…with a “significant aura of catchable cooties”…
I was totally unprepared last time(very cute opposition, the famous Amy smack talk, not enough beer consumed by both players)…this time they will say..”Oh how the mighty have fallen in the agony of defeat”…..lol 🙂
MacG’s still smarting from the Pop ‘A Shot romping he took from me ! Seriously people, I OWN Pop A’ Shot !!! 🙂
Looking for a little rematch Big Guy ??? 🙂 LOL
‘Kenna … I know !!! I was thinking the same thing, which confuses me, because I really don’t think I have a fine ass at all … especially since cycling through my current purge … there’s like no bump to my rump at all.
Anyways, for those of you who don’t know what ‘Kenna and I are twalking about … you can find my version of the incident to which she refers here and her version of the same event here.
Si !!!! 🙂 Thanks … it was definitely a nuts evening !!!
What you need is a Dave and Busters in that little town of yours so you can use those highly honed pop a’ shot skills to totally put those bast@#&%! in their place. 🙂
Thank gawd I sold,no dumped my Brinker (Chili’s parent company) stock a while back!
Stella’s right Amy. You need to get some wingwomen out there.
Your story bought up memories of our last visit to Chi town with Dr. Laura. As I recall, you had some strangers hand grabbng your ass down the back of your pants back then too!
Oh my ever living lord, Amy, that was a hilarious post.
LOL Good One Stella !
Yeah, I’m thinking you’re right … it’s doubtful I’ll make a return, singular trip to Chili’s … Friday’s on the other hand, well that’s a different story !!! 🙂
No kidding Yodette ! It certainly crossed my mind more than once that evening how the place held some striking similarities to a certain catina in Mos Eisley … 🙂
You need a better town.
Once in a bar on Tatooine….
Whew! That’s one sorry Saturday night! Here’s hoping the coming week is loads better …
So, may I suggest an addition to the Amy Rule Book?
– Never, ever go to a Chili’s bar without a wingman or wingwoman.
Maybe “Larry” should stick his oversized self into a Bene Gesserit pain box.