Risky Business?

Recently I was invited to a social function,

An invitation of which I accepted readily,

Quickly.

’Cause ya know,

I’m always hoping to gander across something to do.

However,

After accepting said invitation …

I happened across some information that My Function was known by some who were going to be in attendance.

And these particular some I really didn’t now that well,

So I had no clue as to whether or not they were Friendlies.

Though in due consideration of how I became aware previously referenced some had called My Function,

I was suddenly concerned about attending said social event,

Since at the social event …

With the exception of a few very trusted Friendlies,

I was stealth.

And being unstealthed in this particular social situation …

Would very well likely not be a good thing,

To my safety and all.

And that totally sucks.

I hate it.

Now in the last month or so …

I’ve been "outed" three times,

In different social situations.

Never by friends or people that know me,

But apparently by people I don’t know …

That do know of me.

Now I understand that happens …

As oft recognizied before,

It’s a nice gossipy thing to talk about at times,

I suppose.

And living the whole woodworking life that I do,

I’m bound to be in settings where there are some that know and some that don’t know …

My Function.

Krossover is inevitable.

But the three "outing" incidents I just referenced,

Even though I try to give these unknown outers the benefit of the doubt,

Are really hard to construe in any way other than …

Mean.

Plus, there was the collateral result,

Which I so hope was unintended …

Of putting my safety at a huge risk.

And in one of those outings,

It was a really …

HUGE risk.

And in none of those situations,

Other than I guess just me being there,

Did I do anything to warrant these outers’ disclosures.

Granted …

I’m friendly, somewhat outgoing, and …

Attempt not to be rude to guys that try to make a run at me.

But,

Even those guys making a run at me,

Get klued in pretty early,

That they aren’t going to get anywhere.

Heck,

It’s probably been close to a year since I’ve let anyone other than a friend,

Even buy me a drink.

(Editor’s Note 1: That really only applies to local guys, if I’m outta town, I welcome free drinks and truth be told, have welcomed them many times in the past year.)

(Editor’s Note 2: Another exception is if a shot is already poured or beer opened and it’s the bartender bringing it to me. Then sometimes I’ll accept the gift, though I do think even most of those recently I end up returning it to the sender by personal delivery, of course, with a nice no-thank-you, coached in a lie of some sort to protect their ego, but let them know it’d be best if that offered it to someone else.)

(Editor’s Note 3: Friends … please note that, as always, I do appreciatively accept free drinks from you !!! -))

And it’s not like anyone has seen me on a date with someone they know …

BECAUSE I DON’T EVEN DATE LOCALLY.

Which way sucks too,

But it’s a concession I make to be able to live in my hometown.

Though anyways,

All that is just background …

To let you know that at the current time,

I’m quite sensitive to safety concerns when I’m out and about …

And the very real possibility of being the recipient of a surprise outing,

Where I find myself suddenly in a precarious situation,

By myself,

With no Friendlies around.

So …

I was more than a tad bit apprehensive when I became aware that this particular social event to which I was invited …,

Was also going to be attended by some with knowledge aforethought.

And I did revisit in my mind,

Whether or not I should feign an excuse to unaccept the invitation.

I spoke with My Agent about it,

"Cause I always try to make sure someone knows where I am going to be,

In case I was unable to return,

And My Agent was pretty adamant,

Make up an excuse !

I think the words “you dumbshit” were also added. -)

Of course I listened to the advice being spoken,

But chose not to follow it.

And I’m not sure it was for a good reason.

I’ve placed myself in settings in the past,

Risky of sorts,

Where I have been very concerned about my well-being.

But have pushed through anyways,

And that’s because of one of my great issues …

You see,

Is that I have a greater concern than just risk to my safety.

I don’t want the first time I chicken out from doing something,

Because of fear of reaction to My Function,

To be the start of the long slippery slope of chickening out,

Hiding in the Amy-cave,

Every time the nerves krop up.

I’ve went through a lot to get to the point of being able to live,

And I don’t want cowardice to be the reason why I don’t take advantage of life.

I’m not ashamed of who I am,

What I am,

And I’m not about to phucking hide from the world.

But sometimes,

That does seem to make me push myself at times,

Unwisely.

Though I also know that at times in the past,

There were occasions when in addition to refusing to hide in the Amy-cave,

I didn’t really care if something happened to me or not,

Which might either mean I got a cheap thrill from risk-taking (my predilection for discrete intimate moments in quasi-public places seems to support this theory ;-)),

I had some sort of self-loathing about my transsexualism leading me to feel receiving an assault was deserved, or …

I simply just didn’t care.

Personally I think it’s that I simply just didn’t care,

But who knows,

I do try to analyze things from all angles …

Myself included. -)

I also know,

That I might be somewhat desensitized to a risk in which I place myself,

’Cause after you’ve done the sex change thing,

Well,

A lot of things that might have seemed scary in the past,

Really feel pretty much nbd.

Regardless,

I attended the event,

Without incident.

Whew!

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36 Comments

  1. LOL No tacky ads here girl … though if White Castle, Dr. Pepper or Coors Light wanted some ad space here … well, yeah, I’ll sell out … though I’d fully be expecting payment in product !!! 🙂

  2. Yo Amy… You need a wingwoman for sure; not just for introductions but for that sometimes necessary "bail me out" phone call, or that all important "I’m going with…" comment just before you leave. and…if you do the online dating thing, you also need someone to log your whereabouts with. My bro ghf haranges me with the "safety first" campaign…not that I mind iot…its sort of cute that he is so concious of the issue. But then again, he has two daughters, and thats liable to make ANY man safetly concious! I haven’t been here in a while, mostly because I connect with you via phone. Yourpeep count has gone way up. When are we gonna see some tacky ads?

  3. If someone doesn’t want to share your concern, why would you expect to make them share it?

    You can lead a fool to logic, but you can’t make him think.

    Platitude? Why, that’s a duck-billed platitude.

  4. Fear, it is always out there. My journey is much behind your, but I do understand your concern. I have a greater fear of harm when I still have to play th boy role. I long for the day when all the role playing can stop and I can just be myself.

  5. :p

    seriously,
    it’s very upsetting to have a genuine and profound concern for someone,
    yet be unable to express that concern
    in a way that makes sense to them…
    *sigh*

  6. Platitudes, Stacey? Did you pitch to the level of your audience, or were you merely “tritefuling” with their attentions?

    I know. I’d to be ashamed, if I had any shame.

  7. yeah, it’s good that things went well…
    i think you remember my uncle’s funeral, when i had to leave before the luncheon because my brother threatened to beat the shit outta me…
    *sigh*
    anyway, i’m glad you were courageous…
    btw, i was told earlier today that i speak in platitudes…

    sorry, that’s neither here nor there…

    *sigh*

  8. Sharon,

    You got it right, that was my first step, to volunteer with helping handicaped people have a great day. And it helped me a lot to grow to who I am now. Seeing those handicaped people doing lot’s of stuff despite being stared at for their ‘weird’ or even ‘scary’ handicap made me realise that if they do it then why shouldn’t I?

  9. Hola, babe-o.

    I’m really (that’s REALLY REALLY REALLY) glad you wrote this. About the danger part.

    There is a certain someone ( ahem – **clears throat**) who occasionally needs to be reminded, and I think her hearing it from her older brother (as often as I say it) has become old and occasionally smacks of yammering.

    Hearing it from Ms Levelhead is a good thing.

    thanks.

    ghf

  10. Oh … I know I’m not stealth. I don’t try to be at this point … though I do try to woodwork, just blend into my surroundings, which I’m able to do most of the time around those that don’t know me (excluding people that surf the web and come searching for me) … meaning that if I’m sitting in a bar, talking to a friend, and some strange guy interrupts and starts hitting on me, he usually won’t know My Function unless either I tell him (which doesn’t happen) or someone else tells him, and in one of the instances I was thinking about in this post, it was after I discouraged him in pursuing me further, someone still went out of their way to tell him, ‘causing him to return and chat with me again, a bit differently … I’m fairly certain in that time he was gone he didn’t find out about me by searching the web (pssst … he didn’t know my real name, I gave him my bar name ! ;))

    On the other hand, you are right … those wanting to find me can do so … I was just talking with a girl a few weeks ago that did an amazing job of tracking me down to say hola. 🙂

  11. Amy,

    You do realize that, over time, you’ve revealed enough about yourself in your postings for ANYONE to find you….right?

    I don’t mean to scare you sweetie…but, I think your stealthiness is not as secure as you might think.

  12. Way to go Natalie!

    I think there are certain “safe” situations one can use to meet new people. My GP suggested Habitat for Humanity … though I can’t see myself swinging a hammer … too butch and besides I might ruin my manicure 🙂 haha! What a sissy, huh?!

    Or,

    Many animal rescue shelters are in desperate need of help …

    The thinking here is that you’re already in a situation where people are glad you’re there and you’re meeting people who’s hearts are in the right place …

    Have I used up my two cents worth?

    Ok, I’ll shut up …

    Smiles to all, S

  13. I recognise the doubt of the ‘should I or shouldn’t I’. Up till now I pushed myself to go and take the chance to meet new people etc. So far it worked out fine but the question is never far of my mind. Personally I feel that I am, at some point, ‘recognisable’ as trans but I refuse to stop that from getting the most of my life. What would the whole purpose of going through the emotional and fysical pains of transitioning if I living in safe surroundings and live my life to the max (in dutch we call that a ‘geranium trans’).

  14. Howie … I know. Coors Light barely qualifies for a real beer, but you can drink it all night and still not get drunk. Which is nice. Not to mention, there’s no such thing as a Coors Light hangover. 🙂

  15. Kelly-girl, it can be done and you can do it ! It seems overwhelming at times, but before you know it, you’ll have a hard time remember the day when you were just yourself. 🙂

  16. Sharon,

    Thanks girl! I am my own worst enemy sometimes. I don’t have a lot of self-confidence and am pretty shy to begin with. I actually have an appt. with Dr. Z (Aims doctor) to schedule facial surgery and am hoping that will go well. I also count my blessings that my friends and family have been so supportive of what I am doing and knowing that they believe in me makes a world of difference.

    Your kind words mean a lot to me and brought a smile to my face. Thanks so much.

    Kelly

  17. Kelly,

    Hey sweet girl … gosh, you made me tear up. There’s ALWAYS hope and there’s so much more available to us today to make us more feminine in appearance … It’s not easy (fur shure!), but if someone as average as myself can find love, so can YOU!

    Smiles, S

  18. Kelly,

    Hey sweet girl … gosh, you made me tear up. There’s ALWAYS hope and there’s so much more available to us today to make us more feminine in appearance … It’s not easy (fur shure!), but if someone as average as myself can find love, so can YOU!

    … Smiles, S

  19. Thanks for the clarification. I just know that you are probably like me and everyone else in that you want someone to share your life with and I hated the idea of you ruling out so many people. That being said, I can understand your policy and agree with what you have to say.

    I just hope that one day I can get to a place like you where people would actually be interested in me and find me attractive and worthy. Personally I don’t know if that will ever happen and it scares the daylights out of me. I suppose that’s one reason I have so many dogs, it helps on those lonely nights.

    Take care girl and as always, do so appreciate your taking the time to share with people like me. It means a lot to me to know this can be done.

  20. I too was scared at the prospect of Amy-harm.

    I mean, I can no longer envision a world without her AI and 24 commentaries.

    JUST KIDDING AMY. I want you safe and sound and writing about anything you want. Had I the capability, I’d buy you a drink, a REAL beer perhaps, to replace that bottle of Coors Light you’re holding in the photo. Actually, for something light and refreshing when it’s 120+ degrees here in the Mojave Desert, CL wouldn’t be bad. But I prefer Dos Equis for that usage.

  21. Amy you also had me scared as i do not want anything bad to happen to my friend ..please please be careful! i agree your dating rule for locals is nice and when it becomes my turn to have to worry about this i hope we can sit and discuss it in detail! you are smart and clever girl!!! be happy and more importantly live happy!

  22. Geezuz Amy, you had me holding my breath on this one … the whole risk of bodily harm thing scares the begeezuz out of me. You got guts, girl!

    Remind me to tell you sometime about the frog prince that swooped in to rescue me from the “BAD” boyfriend.

    Be CAREFUL pretty girl, S

  23. Kelly … Actually, it’s a topic that will be more fully discussed when I post Amy’s Press Conference – Question Eight – Part Tres. In fact, Yodette and Sianna have both pointed out a couple of things that warrent further discussion in my answer to that question.

    Though, just for the record, there are plenty of Amy-worthy guys in the local dating pool, it’s just that I have another dating rule in addition to the no-dating-local guys rule … which is I only go out with guys if they know My Function, meaning, that if they don’t know My Function when they ask me out, I have to either tell them My Function and give them a chance to back out (which I’ve done) or I choose not to tell them My Function and just say no (which I’ve done). I’ll explain why I have this policy in the previously mentioned Press Conference post, but the policy does have the aftereffect of meaning that I really have to have interest in a guy before I’ll say “yes” and out myself, though if I say “yes” and out myself to a local guy, if my disclosure doesn’t go well, a stealth part of my life will most likely be shot to hell. Which makes no-dating-local-guys a pretty good policy in my mind.

  24. Amy avoids many of the “stickiest” problems of gossip and being not fully stealth by not dating local men. Is that _always_ in her best interest? Difficult question.

  25. chances are claire-fication will be vague, as Amy does value her privacy in certain ways. Either that or the men in her local dating pool are the worst this earth has to offer.

  26. Glad it went well for you and also that AmyMas was a good time, but I do have a question for you. I just don’t understand this no local guys policy you have and was hoping for some clarification. I thought I had it figured out where you live and that it was a big enough city, but maybe I am wrong about your location.

    I just can’t relate as living in a city with over a million people kind of blurs my identity and makes it pretty difficult to become well known.

    Not trying to be nosy or a pain in the ass, just wanting to understand.

  27. Goodness no Cathy, it wasn’t part of the Amymas celebration !!! 🙂 Thanks for asking though. I did have a great day !!! 🙂

    The optimum word of timing in the post is the very first word … “Recently“. I use that word when I’m trying to vague up the time of an event’s occurrence in my life so people in my real life that read my site don’t immediately conclude I’m writing about an event in which they’ve been a participant. For my viewers who are dedicated enough to read the comments to my posts, you can note for future reference that “recently” in Amy-speak means at some point in the last month, though usually it’s in the past two weeks. 😉

  28. yay that things went well.

    yay for this not being another television post.

    boo for using the one sentence paragraph trick beyond the safe seven paragraph limit,

    cheers for not giving in to the fear.

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