Letting Joe

For me …

Reconciling my past as a male,

With my present life as a female …

Has been an interesting experience.

It’s not like I forget my past,

As it makes me what I am today.

It is just that it seems so long ago …

That Joe’s memories belong to a different person.

I did not come to accept my transsexualism easily,

I’m not sure any who suffer from such ever do.

Then even after I accepted it,

And had taken progressive steps in my transition …

Surgeries,

Disclosures,

Implementation,

In small ways …

I continued to resist accepting who I was becoming.

Even after I was fulltime …

There were efforts of resistance on my part.

Though consciously,

I knew my being was female;

And visually,

I knew my appearance was female,

There remained a bit of Joe inside.

That I kept.

I think I felt that if I let Joe go …

It would be letting go of all of the positive memories he had,

Loving family environments he experienced, and

Friendships he treasured.

I would be compromising the memory of him,

Devaluing his life.

So I tried to continuing doing some things of Joe,

That people might recognize,

To encourage them to give me a chance.

At least upon self-reflection that’s what I’m guessing was going on with me.

Not to mention,

Maybe I was just afraid to let entirely go of Joe.

Regardless,

At some point in the past few months …

I let go of him.

A few months ago,

It would have bothered me not to even recognize or remember when I let go,

I’m sure.

But now …

It doesn’t.

I just know I did and that it’s okay.

Sometime in the past few months,

I started to allow myself to just be me …

Completely.

I’m a girl now …

So despite what Joe used to believe,

There’s nothing wrong with me acting like one.

When I think about it now …

It’s a really weird feeling.

As it almost seems like my transition didn’t transpire over three years,

But virtually overnight.

I suppose had I awoken one morning as a woman,

I’d have probably acted in a similar way that I did while I was still hanging on to Joe:

I’d have avoided overtly girlish things;

I’d have acted Joe-ish enough to try to keep my same friends; and,

I’d have kept enough boyish traits to satisfy Joe.

In essence,

I’d have tried to convince people …

And myself,

That despite my appearance …

I was still Joe,

Just different.

It’s a statement I’ve said frequently.

And it’s true …

Though there’s much less “still Joe“,

And considerably more “just different” …

Than I realized.

Sometimes I reflect upon my life,

And marvel at how …

It’s totally a girl’s life now.

I’m okay with that.

Really okay with that ! šŸ™‚

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16 Comments

  1. When I first read this post, it really set off some warning bells in my head. I’ve thrown myself into transition, but am I really ready for the life that awaits me on the other side? Will I be strong enough to leave Dave behind? What does it say about me if I can’t? Have I even begun to let go?

    I’m commenting now ’cause I had an experience this past week involving an old high school friend and the ’employees’ at a strip bar that revealed I’ve already changed inside more than I was aware. Whew! Maybe there’s hope after all…

    Great post Amy! Thanks!

  2. I had the pleasure of talking on the phone with Greg recently. He was discussing this thread, and asked me if there was any of Dan left; the question slapped me in the face.

    After some semi-deep introspection, I came to the conclusion that I really don’t know. It feels like to me that Dan is gone; there is only Laura, but I wonder how others view me, especially those who knew me before transition.
    What mannerisms, expressions, actions, etc do I do that are Dan? I don’t see them, but what do others see?

    And I struggle to get past something you talked about Amy. It’s OK to act like a girl. I lived so very many years with that imposed prohibition on acting like I wanted to. Had to play the role. So I know I must have a bunch of learning and unlearning to do. HRT has been a big help, and time, ffs, and supportive and helping friends are also good. Still…..Would I get an A on my report card?

  3. a touching post… although i can’t really say that i identify with this process of letting go, like others who’ve commented. at one point, as i struggled to articulate my thoughts properly, i used the same sort of language, but looking back, i really haven’t let go of anything… except maybe some old clothes.

    and a though-provoking one too… i need to reflect a little more cos i’m feeling bothered by this for some reason…

    ..claire

  4. Amy,

    Ain’t it cool?

    Every day Dan fades further and further into the background. It is as if he was a totally different person, separate from me, but yet, I can call on the good memories when I want to. The neat thing is that the good memories more and more become memories as Laura, not Dan.

    Like I posted elsewhere, I was out getting nutritious fast food today, and it suddenly dawned on me that I EXPECT to be ma’amed now, instead of hoping and praying that it would happen. Thanks Dr Z, hrt, and time.

    Life is good.

    Laura a

  5. Hi Amy,
    Great post. I feel much the same way. I only wish I could feel as positive about pre-transition me as you do about Joe. But, yeah, for me too it feels like being a different person. Like you my “brother’s” memories feel like they belong to somebody else. But what I don’t have now is his feeling of being trapped and wrong – it’s totally wonderful to be who I was meant to be. Who’d want to be a guy, cuz girls rule!

  6. Gawd,
    I’m sooo proud of you.

    Although, it is a little creepy when you talk about yourself in the ‘third person’.

    You are a bright and beautiful beacon to many girls, and I’m just so very proud to say I know you.

    This road you and I travel is not an easy one, but the prospects once you’re on it are priceless. I hope you have as much happiness as I’ve had since I removed my problem from my life. You’re certainly on the right track.

    Big Hugzz,
    Lisa iMom

  7. Wow, I just read “Letting Joe,” and I cried. I am not sure why. I may be older then you, but you are years ahead in your transition. I may never get as far as you, but knowing that it is possible brought me to tears. Or maybe it was your writing style, either way I loved it.

    Keep up the good work.

  8. With counselors, I’ve been tense ‘cuz I feel under attack, that they want me to go back and be a guy, and they read the tension as a guy thing and think they’re on the right track. Wah! But what did they expect, I’d been hidden under that ‘guy’ for decades, unlearning him would take time, neh?

    But a few months ago something tilted in my head and suddenly all the guys walking around campus were *other* in a way I hadn’t experienced before; I had crossed a line and all of me was risa, and it’s been like that ever since.

    Thanks, your writing is good stuff, glad you had a good trip.

  9. Look out world there’s nothing holding Amy back any more!

    Thank you for an extremely thought provoking post. You have shed light on some personal issues of my own I’ve been struggling with.

    Aimee.

  10. Indeed a *wow*. But more of the good words you wrote down … it got me thinking (as have many words which I read in the archive).

    When I look at myself I now I have yet to let go of that boy side of me although it is getting weaker by the month. I know that I am happy with who I am becoming and how the whole world is socialising with me … but hey, it’s not even been 2 years ago since I first choose the path which I walking on now, so I got at least a year to go to get to the point you mentioned šŸ˜›

  11. I could tell this weekend that you’ve finally grown into your skin now…def no Joe left.

    I think you broke my camera with all of the smiling you did….

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