A few months ago …
A friend of mine asked me an incredibly good question,
He asked it of me via e-mail and I’m just getting around to answering it,
My delay costing me an evening of drinks in penance.
Anyways, I figured I’d share the answer to the question here …
Because even though I haven’t been asked it by others,
It just seems likely to me that someone must of wondered the same thing …
My friend that asked is smart and all …
But I just can’t believe he’s the only one to think of it.
I’ve asked it of myself many times !! 🙂
And with so many viewers I have reading this krap …
Including family and real life friends visiting,
It probably doesn’t hurt to put things in context.
The question posed was this:
“[I’m] interested to know why you are doing the blog. Certainly, over time, it is letting a lot more people find out, one way or the other, what you are doing (e.g., me).”
And the answer is:
Well …. longwinded.
Would you expect otherwise from me? 🙂
The answer is simple,
I do AmyNews.com for me !! 🙂
AmyNews.com is the vehicle I use to chronicle and process experiences in my life,
Including those related to my transsexualism.
It’s not a transsexual journal,
But a personal journal of someone who just happens to be transsexual.
Much more of my life shows up here than just reflecting on the mechanics of transsexualism treatment.
I actually started publishing AmyNews.com because …
Before I started letting people in on my life’s great secret,
I had no one with which to talk at an open and honest …
And by publishing it out there for others to read …
Even if no one read it,
I just felt less alone.
Communication is a two way street …
And if I just punched out my thoughts without publishing them,
It didn’t feel much different to me than just talking with myself.
And I already do that !! 🙂
I needed to be able to feel like there was someone listening to me …
Even if I didn’t have any idea who it was,
Or proof there was anyone out there.
Now back in the early days of AmyNews.com,
When it wasn’t even known as AmyNews.com …
So it really didn’t matter what I posted here.
They didn’t know me …
I could post whatever I wanted.
And they could do what I needed them to do …
Provide me with insight, friendship and kicks in the ass as I so needed,
I really had no real risk of violating mine or anyone else’s privacy.
However, as more people started reading …
My risk that others who I didn’t want to know my function just yet would stumble upon me here …
So in order to maintain some privacy,
And to keep AmyNews.com hidden from others in the vastness of the internet,
I did little tricks like:
Assigning nicknames for people in my life to whom I was referring,
Avoiding using multiple, identifying search terms in any given post,
Never showing my face,
Intentionally mispeling things (that’s a joke kids),
Delaying some of my posts,
And avoiding direct reference to specifics about me.
That worked for a while.
But over the past couple of years …
More and more people have find their way to AmyNews.com,
Including a ton of people from my real-life.
And this is despite the fact that in my real life …
I think I’ve told less that 10 people about my website.
Between people sharing with others at a frequency I didn’t expect,
Or people finding it on their own,
In a surreptitious manner,
Figuring a dork like me would have a website of some sort …
Any delusions I had that I could remain internet anonymous from people in my real life were quickly dispelled.
My personal journal is certainly no longer private.
Which honestly was and is no big deal for me …
Because if I choose to share the personal details of my life to others …
That’s my choice.
There are some people still that I hope to be able to tell myself of my transsexualism …
But it’s not that I’m embarassed about my function or anything.
It’s just me.
So most people,
Especially those who know me,
But who I really don’t see or speak with at all,
If ever …
I have no problem with them finding my site,
Such as friends from my past or relatives I don’t get to see often enough.
Since so often I post about things that I do,
Interactions I have with others, and
Feelings I experience …
Other people in my life certainly have had equal billing roles at times,
And I do try to respect their privacy.
That’s always been my personal biggest challenge here.
Allowing myself to use my site for my own personal processing and communication needs …
While not pissing people off in my real life ! 🙂
I’ve screwed up a few times in that respect,
But not that many really.
I actually have some editorial guidelines of my own …
That I have implemented in order to try to respect others in my life.
First, I only publish posts about others which I suspect they might not like only if it evokes an intense emotional experience in me. It can’t be just the simple affront or hurt feelings … it has to be something that hurts me in a significant way. And … I only publish such a post in response to their original act. I never hit first, though I’m usually the one paying the price for hitting back. Whatever.
Second, Even on those rare occasions where something affects me such that I feel the need to communicate with the internet world about it, I still try to disguise the actual person(s) to which I’m referring.
Sometimes I do the disguising too well. A couple of months ago I received extremely aggressive e-mails from 4 different people who thought I was referring to them in a post. It cracked me up. Three of those people I had no idea had said anything about me that would of pissed me off and one person who I knew what they had said, I wasn’t even referring to because I’ve had to deal with so much worse, I considered it nbd. Of course, the actual person to whom I was referring in the post never contacted me, which was totally what I expected.
Third, if someone complains to me about something I’ve written, if they ask me to remove it or edit it … I always do. Viewers always have editorial control in that respect.
Fourth, when someone tells me not to post anything about something that happens in our real life … I never do. And,
Fifth, when a person tells me to never even think of mentioning their name on my website … I honor that request too, without hesitation or attitude. But that’s mainly because most people I know could kick my ass !! 🙂
Recently I’ve started implementing a new real life policy …
I don’t refer to anyone in my real life with either a nickname or something that might specifically identify them to others in my real life without prior permission.
It’s actually a good point in my transition to do such …
Practically all of my social involvement now is with new parties I’m meeting fresh that I have never mentioned here on AmyNews.com …
So my reflections and life experiences with them I can totally vague up on the identifiers.
Now I know,
Who wudda thunk that I actually put this much thought into any of my posts !! 🙂
But I did and do.
And I’ll continue to do just that because publishing AmyNews.com is important to me for a few reasons:
First of all,
I feel sort of a responsibility to others dealing with transsexualism, along with their families and friends, to share an honest representation of what my experience has been. During my transition, I have had so many great, happy experiences it almost doesn’t seem fair. I’ve been totally blessed. However, I have also had stuggles and some painful losses. Personally, I think overall I have had an incredibly great transition, but I figure that I’m probably biased there … since it’s about me and all … so I figured if I simply share the good with the bad, my viewers can make their call on what mine transition has been like and what they might possibly encounter along their way or mistakes that I have made which they can avoid.
Secondly, I also publish to allow those that know me in real life a convenient and anonymous way of keeping track of what’s up with me. Now personally, I’d love to hear from everyone that I know … talk to them … e-mail with them … im with them … whatever. (Actually, I’m woefully pathetic at returning timely e-mail, but you should still e-mail !!) Some people like to keep up with me from a distance, either so I don’t know they are visiting or because they are just a bit uncomfortable with too much association just yet. Others just don’t have the time to do anything other that check my website to keep up with me. All of these reasons, along with many others I haven’t even thought of, are great reasons for me to keep my site current. I think it’s wonderful that people in my real life have any sort of interest at all in checking in on my doings ! 🙂
Though most importantly,
I continue to do AmyNews.com for me.
I publish because I still need an outlet.
Just as before I started letting people in on my life’s great secret …
I had no one to talk with about it.
With so many people in my real life knowing about my function …
Dealing with it in their own ways …
I’m finding myself again lacking a convenient means with which to talk to anyone about what I’m feeling.
Practically all of the new people in my life,
Have no clue of my past.
So talking with them about why I’m so stressed out about walking into a roomful of friends really wouldn’t make much sense ! 🙂
Despite publishing my personal thoughts for public consumption …
I’m a very private person …
And it takes quite a while for me to get comfortable with,
Trust a person enough …
To discuss my personal thoughts with them.
And with others in my life,
Family and friends …
I try not to over-do the whole transsexualism talk.
Generally speaking …
I never bring up my transsexualism or associated krap I’m struggling with for discussion with any of them …
It’s way too easy to jeopardize friendships/relationships by letting the ts talk take over …
So I’ve always erred on the side of never bringing it up …
Or ever asking for an ear to bend.
And thus …
I’m basically left with my website as my outlet,
Which is why …
There’s an AmyNews.com !
Does that answer your questioooooon ? 🙂
Editor’s Note: For what it’s worth, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away … I was getting some flack about my posts … and I published this Disclaimer. It’s pretty much still true today. And actually, most of the flack I get I sorta, kinda like … it means people read my junk !!
I think the flack I was getting from some viewers that generated the Disclaimer were complaints that I had posted too many serious posts in a row and that I wasn’t being funny enough. Yikes … after re-reading that post … it appears as if I’ve had attitude for quite a long time !! 🙂