Fear Revisited

I’m scared.


There’s no question about it.

Right here, right now, today …

I’m pretty phreaking scared.

Regular viewers know …

I’ve got an upcoming surgery scheduled,

Let’s see … all total, I’m doing the following:

-More fat injections to my lips and temples,
-Upper lip lift,
-Some fat removal in my upper eyelid region,
-Touch-ups from my previous belly liposuction, and …
-My boob job.

Now I have refused this time to post the date all this fun is going to happen …

Since my last two attempts at this set of procedures have had to be postponed because of my scheduling conflicts,

But this time it’s looking like it might actually be a go … yay !!! 🙂

Now it’s not happening today, tommorow, this week or anything that imminent,

But I have been rather focused lately trying to get a lot of things done that I want to get done before the surgery.

And to me …

This set of surgical procedures seems to bring with it a greater sense of reality and permanence to my transition that I’ve felt before.

I don’t fear the surgery itself, or the pain …

I’ve got a disturbingly high pain tolerance … often leading people to suggest I have no feelings,

And yes, my implants will be placed under my muscle, so I know it’s going to hurt like hell, but that doesn’t bother me in the least.

Also, since this will now be my third time under general anethesia as part of my transition surgeries, being out cold doesn’t phase me either. The only challenge I find in that is whether or not I’ll hurl when I come outta it … and to date, I haven’t. 🙂

Let’s be real too, the whole body change thing doesn’t bother me either … I love the changes my body has experienced, the new shape it’s taken, the way it feels.

And I’m not scared because of any second thoughts or questions about the wisdom of this next step.

It simply doesn’t feel like a wrong decision.

I’m well aware of how I’ve dragged this out so methodically that I just need to get on with it …

And others need for me to do the same.

I also understand that I really don’t have to get the boob job now. I mean, I’ve gotten along this long without any enhancements other than the silicon inserts, I could go longer.

And I know I could arguably go without any such fake-age at all.

But …

I’ve always planned on getting implants … based on my family history and the expectation that for a t-girl as myself, starting hormone therapy when I did, if everything went great and I ended up the predicted one cup size smaller than the natal girls in my family, I’d still be unacceptably small.

Which is why I’ve never taken progesterone. Sure, it’d add some growth to my breast size, but not enough to eliminate the need for implants at some pont in the future, and the side-effects of progesterone were certainly not worth it to me for the small increase in development I’d receive.

I just stuck with my estrodiol, spiro and proscar (estrogen and testosterone inhibitors) …

Because as I said,

From day one,

I knew I’d get implants.

So if I knew all along,

Then why the heck am I scared?

And if I’m scared,

Why am I still doing it now?

Well, for a few reasons really …

First of all, it makes financial sense to combine as many procedures as one can do at one time … I am getting more fat injections and an upper lip lift anyways, so while I’m there, it makes sense to spread the cost of surgical suite, anethesiologist, nurses, and overhead among more procedures;

Second of all, it’s summer and I’m just tired of having to wear non-revealing tops and full coverage bras; and,

Thirdly, the inserts are just a pain in the ass. When I was mainly Joe, it wasn’t as big of a deal, but now … I’m wearing them all the phreaking time it feels like. And let’s be real, bras bite in the first place, there’s not reason to add to the discomfort by including falsies all the time on top of it.

Now … I know those reasons for doing it now sound sorta weak, seems like if I really wanted to, I could back off and just postpone …

Or maybe I’d be embarassed delaying again.

Nah … not even close.

Every procedure I do, every step I continue to make along the way … is for me and no one else.

I’m the one paying for things, I’m the one changing my presentation … I’m doing it my way and on my timetable.

I’d cancel it a dozen times if I felt like it or I’d do it while not letting anyone know when it’s really going to happen.

That’s just the way it is. 🙂

If anything, one of the reasons why I’m fairly certain I’ll be going under the knife this next scheduled date …

Is because it really does feel like the right time.

And I think I’m just phreaking scared because some of this krap is just darn right scary.

As Caitlin told me a long, long time ago …

You’re alone when you do this,

No matter how many friends and family you have supporting you …

You always go into the operating room by yourself.

And she’s right.

I’ve had the best family and friend support one could ever hope for,

But still …

I’m the one that has to live with this and the ramifications from my decisions each and every single minute of the day.

This whole process is wrought with scary moments,

Scary moments where ultimately …

You and only you have to steel the nerve to proceed.

That first e-mail to someone who is also a transsexual;

That first phone call to a counselor;

That first contact with a support group;

That first time outside presenting as your natural gender;

That first Disclosure;

That second Disclosure;

That third Dis …..; 🙂

That first script for homones being filled;

That first new job;

That first surgery;

That first guy you kiss;

Geezuz …

Every time you turn around,

It’s like another thing that is there to cause to stress and anxiety.

But you know what …

The old adage,

If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger

Is so true.

I understand that the use of the word “kill” in this setting is dangerous,

Because it’s too real of an occurrence to so many of us.

We all know someone who has attempted or succeeded in a self-termination solution to transsexualism.

But what is important to remember is that …

It’s true.

If we can just survive, endure …

Each scary, difficult step …

We are much stronger following each such moment.

Along the way,

You learn more of yourself than you could ever imagine;

Gain a greater sense of self-confidence than you had in the beginning; and,

Acquire more respect for yourself than you ever had before.

It’s one of the added benefits of addressing one’s transsexualism …

Not only do you eventually eliminate the phucking dysphoria,

But you develop an internal, personal strength that few others can even begin to match.


That doesn’t mean that when you’re in the middle of a scary moment,

That you aren’t really scared.

Because you are.

And you have to figure out a way to survive it,

Which is what I’m telling myself right now.

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  1. Amy,
    I hope you realize the strength within you, this force that will guide you. I know that you know you have it. You have made the decision and chosen the way, as you believe, and many of us here believe in our own worlds as right. And that is what it is all about. You make a choice in this life. I make this choice because I do not want to regret making things right. I place my bet and let the dice roll.

    Speaking for myself, I do not want any regrets in this life.

    I have lived the good life, with money to burn
    wanting of nothing, party all night in bars
    I have seen the dregs, with nowhere to turn
    months without food or money, living in cars
    The people and places, the good and the bad
    I’ve lived it and loved it, I’m glad to’ve said
    It doesn’t quite matter, what I haven’t and had
    this journey of life, I’m just glad I played

    There I go, getting all corny again….
    Sometimes I think I try to hard to rhyme, to stay between the lines.
    But Amy, You are like a free style skater/dancer/(insert fav athletic here). You bring a fresh and humorous look at life and I admire you so much for your ability to keep a level head and at the same time make us laugh. As said above, you have the strength of this force, the wisdom to use it wisely, and the sense of humour to keep it all in perspective!


  2. This is one of those posts I’m reading and re-reading and re-reading. It time for this leap of faith. It’s the right thing to do. It’s not phucked. It IS normal. It is a temporary part of our lives and, we all hope and pray, well come out ot this stronger and better and liking ourselves a lot more.

    And whatever we survive makes us stronger.

    Good luck with the surgeries.


  3. “We will sell no wine before it’s time.”
    – Julio Gallo

    “Julio, if we don’t sell the wine, we can’t meet payroll.”
    – Gallo Accountant

    “It’s time!”
    – Julio Gallo

  4. Sounds like a bunch of great advice! I think it will be like riding a roller coaster – scary as hell going up the hill but a huge rush when the ride is done. It sucks standing in line, but you’re glad you did afterward.

  5. It’s time, babe.

    You gotta move forward and leave Joe behind.

    Soon you’ll look around and find he’s gone, and you’ll wonder how long it’s been since you’ve seen him.

    And then, he’ll be part of your past, not your present.

  6. Saying is another way, sure you’ve performed your high wire act to aclaim. But, once you’ve gotten implants, you’ll be performing without a net. 😉

  7. Zoinks !!! You kids are way smart with your comments !!!

    So as far as my responses, which are not nearly as enlightening … here goes:

    Clio – It’s really nice to hear from you … I agree, I’m not sure if we ever rid ourselves entirely of the dysphoria, and if we do, if we don’t have residual scars left from it that remind us forever anyways … I suspect it just comes with the territory ! But hey, it’s all about surviving !! 🙂 Thanks for the positive Force vibes on my upcoming surgeries !! 🙂

    ‘Kenna – Not phucked up at all … it’s the way to do it ! 🙂 Did your cousin say if I could golf or not ??

    Delia – Wow ! Very eloquent and poignant … I like what you said about Joe, that’s a nice way of putting it. 🙂

    Yodette – Yes Mahster … you’re right again !! Dammit 🙂

    Stacy – LOL True, very true !! lol 🙂

  8. Or maybe, just maybe, there’s that nagging realization you can’t slip back into boy-mode and have Joe take care of the next unanticipated emergency?

    “Joe was sure great in getting me out of this sudden jam, but has anyone else noticed he’s got tits?”


  9. Aims,

    Seems to me that you’ve reached a point in your transition that requires a “grand leap of faith” – that leap being one that unequivocably says, “jump.”

    To this stage, from what I’ve seen, the collective, incremental changes that you’ve made are both significant and permanent. They have also remained, at least to some degree, hidden from most others. In that regard, Joe got to continue his existence and support your past history, even though his time is about to expire. Joe is not a bad guy, it was he who delivered you, and makes that special sacrifice so Amy can go on.

    For Amy, it’s time to make it “real.” Scared? Excited? Twitchy? Tingly? Anxious? Eager? All of the above???

    Hail yessss!!! Been there!

    If ya wanna talk, I live right down the street. (Quite literally, I might add.)


  10. I know the feeling and I don’t care anymore. I just do it. I’ve been just doing it for so long now that it feels like a normal part of my existence.

    How fucked is that?


  11. Hey Amy,

    Interesting post; for sure there are fears, worries and anxieties we all deal with and to a large extent, we deal with these by ourselves. You alluded to the fact that Caitlin told you many moons ago that what you do, you do alone, its soo true. We must live with the ramifications of what we do, that which we have no choice in doing. Not a lifestyle choice – just a life choice.

    It’s all to frightening to read that the ‘self-termination’ (love that you put it that way) rate runs at somewhere around 60% anecdotal I’m sure but…..nonetheless, a scary statistic. It’s a very scary ride, I guess you become stronger as you take more steps on that journey and perhaps one day….you won’t worry, you won’t have the anxieties or stressors that are all too often an integral part of your dysphoria. I can’t help but wonder if our dysphoria will ever truly go away, I worry that perhaps in some way it will always be a part of us, it will never fully disappear – afraid perhaps that it will always be present to remind us of a birth defect we soo tirelessly try to forget. Anyone who goes through transition is by definition – a survivor. That’s not a bad thing.

    Good luck with your up and coming surgeries – PG they’ll go smoothly…..the force is strong in young Amy-Wan 😉


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