The Popping Question

At some point,

I suppose …

The Question will stop popping in my head.

Eventually.

At least I hope.

Because …

I’ve already tired of it.

If you’re T …

You probably know to what Question I’m referring.

(At least I know some of you are.)

Though maybe if it is no longer popping in your head,

You don’t remember.

To which I respond …

Yay !!

There’s hope !! 🙂

Anyways,

So for those of you that have no clue what I’m talking about,

The Popping Question is …

Am I being read?

(Or its related derivatives … “Was I just read?” and “Did she/he/they/it/whatever read me?“)

It’s quite annoying.

Because in many ways,

It impacts my enjoyment of so many casual interactions with people I really don’t know that well. (It doesn’t apply to people I know well, because everyone I know well … well, knows my function ! :))

And though meaningless,

Those casual interactions are really fun to have …

At least for me.

I’m fairly comfortable making spontaneous comments to pretty much anyone …

It entertains me,

Which is of course very important since as we all know …

It’s all about me.

I like saying something nice or funny or witty or opinionated to pretty much any clerk, counter person or whoever I might encounter during the course of the day.

I really don’t think much about it,

I just do it.

But so many times,

Afterwards …

I wonder,

Was that a look of recognition I noticed in their eyes?

Or when I’m feeling especially obsessive …

Could that possibly have been a look of recognition I noticed in their eyes? I mean, I think I noticed that they looked at me like … twice.

Obviously,

The nagging Question is …

Really a social-being euphoria buzz-kill.

I hate it.

But I keep asking it of myself,

Even when there’s no good reason to wonder.

Sometimes, well, actually, oftentimes …

I have totally safe, easy, conversations with whomever,

And there’s not a hint of recognition,

None in their looks,

Nor in the words they’ve chosen to use.

Yet still, the moment I’m off stage …

Walking to my car,

I’m asking myself The Question.

Krap.

Why do I do this ??

Now of course,

I’ve self-analyzed this to death …

Heck, why do you think I do so many silly quizzes here ? 🙂

And something I’ve concluded is that …

At this point in my transition,

It’s not “being read” that bothers me so much,

No … instead,

It’s the “not knowing if I’m being read or not” that bothers me.

I pass comfortably enough where it’s usually not clear to me whether or not someone has figured out my function …

I’m not saying people haven’t, I have to believe they have.

But I’m guessing it’s been a good four or five months since I’ve had blatant confirmation … (as in “Would you like anything else … SIR?” … “Why yes, thank you, the name of the diet you’re on, I’ve been looking to gain 300 lbs and you’ve seemed to have managed it quite nicely.” Yeah, okay, I didn’t actually deliver that response, but I can comfortably attest to the fact that each of you would probably be a little bothered how close I actually did come to saying it.)

Which means … there’s a lot of people who I have interacted with that I have no definitive proof that I’ve passed in their observation …

And, no definitive proof that I haven’t.

Which leads me to experience …

A ton of paranoia.

It drives me up the wall …

Because I look for the slightest little hint or single nuance in their behavior to clue me into whether or not …

I’m being read.

And many times, my oversensitization has been completely wrong …

Looking for something that’s just not there.

I know for a phact several times where I was convinced I was read, only later to find out that I definitely wasn’t.

And I’m sure there are times I have been read where I haven’t a clue.

Yet, I really don’t think this obsessiveness with wondering what other people are thinking about me is anything too out of the ordinary …

Especially at this stage of my transition.

Many natal girls are very aware of their surroundings and aware when someone is looking at them and whispering,

Teen girls (which I don’t need any comparisons with thank you very much) go through this stage of insecurity too.

I think it’s natural,

When someone is looking at you … or you’re feeling some insecurity about yourself and think someone is looking at you,

To imagine, worry … they’ve identified your weakness:

That you’re not as cool as you try to look,

That you’re not as wealthy as you’re trying to apepar,

That you’re not as cute as you’re trying to be,

That you’re not as natally female as you’re trying to present.

And learning to deal with the feeling helps one gain confidence in themselves,

While finer tuning their social interaction skills and instincts to better know when someone is talking about you and when they’re not.

But just because it’s a natural stage in one’s growth

And probably serves a very valid purpose,

Doesn’t mean it’s not a pain.

I can’t wait until I grow out of this stage. 🙂

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16 Comments

  1. Shaft…I was drinking Diet Coke when I read your reply. Ouch.

    Amy, I think what you need to do is implement a customer response card. You’re good at breaking stuff down into A.’s and B.’s.

    “After the lovely Aims Interaction you’ve just had, we would like to know your thoughts.” then start with the interrogation.

    Business reply or pre-stamped and you’re done. hee, you probably have a meter at the office… 😉

  2. Have seen the photos…don’t know about the voice but can tell you otherwise passing is not an issue.

    amelia

  3. A, don’t sweat it. I get read all of the time. It’s not easy trying to be the non-descript fat guy when women are always sizing me up and thinking, “He’s actually just big-boned and he carries it well.” I share your pain.

  4. I think getting looked at and scrutinised is something that we’ll all have to get used to, anyway.

    If a man is staring at you, up and down, and especially at your chest, I’d bet you were being sized up by him as a potential partner.

    If a woman is studying you, with a concentrated look in her eye, it probably means something “Bitch! Why is your nose cuter than mine?” or “No, no, no. Green shoes do NOT go with a white and orange miniskirt. And you need to rethink your eyeshadow…” (Not that I’m accusing you of having poor dress sense!!!!!)

    In short Amy, you’re going to be looked at a lot and constantly examined. I’m afraid you’ll have to get used to it, especially as you’re rather pretty. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re being read.

  5. If you want a replacement worry, there’s always the classic:

    “Does this [fill in the blank] make me look fat?”

  6. LOL Now that … is a very good question Yodette ! 🙂 lol

    Wise advice Mahster … and yes, the robes do rock ! 🙂

  7. “I don’t have that nagging wonder, yet I’m still able to be me.”

    But, but, but…. Can you stil be you if you don’t have something to worry about and dither over? Maybe you new a new worry hobby. 😉

    Proselytize a Jedi does not. Never underestimate the value of knowing when to keep your mouth shut. It’s wise we don’t have to sell The Watch Tower, or ride bikes around town pestering heathens while dressed in white shirts and black ties and slacks. Plus, the robes are easy-care.

  8. Seeing as I’m just a little bit further ahead in transition then you are (yea right)…

    Give it time hon. Thats all it takes…

    Your confidence will grow tenfold, and one day you’ll realize that you haven’t worried this question for a long time…

    Makenna

  9. 🙂 Thanks Singer !!

    ROFLMAO In case any of you were wondering, Singer really doesn’t like it when I talk Jedi ! (And this is not meant to suggest that Hottie, Sister, Miss Daisy, Shaft, Tenant, Reefer, or Ex are good with it either.) 🙂

  10. First of all…we all have those feelings on a daily basis. Get over it. People judge. It’s what they do best. Makes them feel better about themselves as soon as they know you may have an insecurity about yourself. You look great. It’s when you start talking about the Force and all that crap that they wonder!! Just love yourself because you are a great person and “F” the others.

  11. Well, I do think I present generally well with a great deal of confidence, because I am pretty confident … it’s been months since I knew for a fact I was read. But still, there’s that level of wonder “whether or not” that just seems to languish there still, in the background of my mind. I think eventually it’ll subside as AS said, but I’m not sure it’ll ever go away. Plus as time goes by, I’ll get more finely skilled in distinguishing the meaning of looks I receive … it just takes time, I haven’t been looked at as as a girl for that long yet. That’s why in many ways it is so nice to still be able to hang out just like I always have with The UnUsual Suspects and other friends … I don’t have that nagging wonder, yet I’m still able to be me.

  12. My tuppenth: Unless somebody gives you a definite sign to the contrary, you pass.

    Maybe that’s a little easy, but I agree with Yodette that the more you don’t care, the less likely you are to be read. If you are confident, then people will perceive things your way. My comment, then, shows a way of building confidence.

    You go girl!

  13. I just want to remind you of something in the recent past that should put all of this worry in the trash:

    Photo Booth
    (sorry about the small window, you might want to copy the link, then do a new window)

    THAT girl shouldn’t get clocked, unless she sounded like Barry F-in White! And then they still wouldn’t be sure. You should just start to put this out of your mind, and not worry about it. It’s hard to cut it off, but there’s been no sign of anyone reading you, and there won’t be. If your voice is at least as good as Roz Doyle on Frasier (and she’s got a somewhat deep voice for a woman), then you’re fine!

    One thing that will cure it is that now that you’re full time, you will just be out in the world, and you’ll have too much to do to worry. So, just put yourself out there and just Be Amy.

    Hugz!
    Lisa iMom

  14. Yeah, It kinda slowly goes away. I don’t think it ever vanishes.

    Girls get far more attention viusally than boys. It’s something that takes ages to get completely used to. It’s something w3bgrl and I often end up disccusing. On Saturday we got stared at at the local McDonalds as we walked back through the lot to the car. (Lot?! I’m a bloody brit! Car park!) – anyway – I was wearing my killer overall shorts, and she was wearing a drop dead georgeous top and jeans. We decided neither of us had been read – more a case of people going “Oooh, Lesbians…”

    And like you, being read isn’t a problem for me. It’s not knowning if I’ve been read!

  15. “It’s the ‘not knowing if I’m being read or not’ that bothers me.”

    To which the ultimate answer is putting out of your mind the question whether or not you’re being read. The more you don’t care, the less likely a read. Eventually, it’s no longer an issue. It’s probably been more than 30 years since I considered it a concern in my day to life. It’s been many years since I’ve even been concerned about being read by association, too. I’ve been out and about with a number of trans women in early transition without worrying about being read. Could I be read by association? Sure. As long as it’s somewhere reasonably separate from my home, why should I care?

  16. that’s totally it: the not knowing *if* you’ve been read or not… plus, great observation about analogous “weaknesses” that other people face, especially in the teenage years when we are trying on different selves…

    ..claire

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