Cinco De … UnUsual Suspects

My office deadline that I had to meet proved much more difficult to make than I had expected …

And I wasn’t necessarily pleased with having to make it in the first place,

So, yes … I was developing a bit of an attitude.

Combine that with the …

Unspoken, subconscious stress caused by the anxiety of pushing my limits in finally coming into the office during the day with a risk of encountering people I know that don’t know and who I don’t want to know …

Along with …

Unspoken, subconscious feelings of anxiety associated with my earlier realization that at this point my passing is more so in the hands of others, not me …

Plus…

Unspoken, subconscious feelings of worry that someone or others were either clued into my function months ago without my knowledge or totally guessed it and were passing along their speculation as fact …

With a …

A very spoken, conscious feeling of the cold I had earlier in the week decided that it wanted a return visit …

And I was whipped by the time I left my office.

Satisfied … happy … and totally geeked,

But whipped nonetheless.

I was half-way home when Singer called to tell me the Wednesday night UnUsual Suspect gathering plans …

Singer, Hottie and Miss Daisy are all going to make it …

Sister was an unlikely attendee,

And I was too since I had earlier placed my attendance at 50/50 in light of my docket and my general feeling of not great.

But it was Cinco De Mayo,

Plus Hottie was finally back home,

And Singer had wisely picked this week’s drinking location to push my limits a bit …

Which seemed to be the theme for the day !! 🙂

Sooooo …

After stopping at home to say ‘hola’ to Indiana Jones Lando Calrissian,

And realizing I was going to have to go back down to my office anyways,

I decided to venture back out and join The UnUsual Suspects for a beer before heading back to the office.

Now the reason this particular bar was pushing my limits is that,

Unlike the suburban bars that we have generally been frequenting in our attempt to avoid running into people we know,

This is closer to dt and certainly qualifies as being on the list of our previous haunts in the old days,

It’s almost a certainty we’ll run into people we know.

Now I’ve got to confess …

I’m a total mix of emotions, reactions and feelings in all of this.

I think almost all of my friends will acknowledge a bit of surprise in some ways at how unhesitant I am to do many things as me, just walking into places without the display of a second thought, interacting and socializing with people who I’ve just met, laughing and having a good time …

But that’s not quite accurate … because whenever it comes to just being me, just going out … it’s really not that I don’t display a second thought about it …

It’s that I don’t even have a first thought about it.

It’s just me being me … which is honestly pretty easy.

No … my angst comes when I’m placing myself in situations of familiarity where not only could I be recognized or read by people that I know … but that a judgment about me might be drawn solely based on my transsexualism.

Shaft has always said …

That it is part of my nature that I won’t let something be easy for me;

That I’ll go far out of my way to make something easy for someone else, but when it comes to me …

That I must have some pain associated with or burdened placed upon me in exchange for receiving something good; and,

That I feel I must earn anything positive in my life.

He’s correct.

I totally feel that way.

And the direction my transition has taken …

Is following that very same line.

Had I run away, left town, relocated as I had originally schemed …

The cause of the most significant stress I feel in my transition,

Bring recognized or read by people that I know, judged, and talked about,

Could have been avoided,

Would have been avoided.

But the reaction and support I received from those close and important to me,

Convinced me to stay,

Try and make it work here.

Now they have all went above and beyond any definition of Friendship in helping make it easier for me to accomplish that.

But still,

I have to step up to the plate time and time again and place myself in settings, environments where I am honestly …

Scared to death.

Yet … at the same time …

Having not to be scared to death,

Because fear …

In addition to being the mind-killer,

Is also one of the biggest tells one can have.

So each time I am placing myself in a such a setting,

Once I’m in the environment,

I simply cannot be fearful.

It’s not that I can pretend not to be scared,

Pretending isn’t good enough …

It shows like a blemish under cheap make-up.

You just can’t be scared.

And the way I get to the point …

Whether I’m sitting at home, in the parking lot, or outside a bar …

Is that once I decide to proceed,

I simply follow the sage 80’s advice and say,

“What the fuck.”

So after stating my mantra,

I exited the car and started walking into the bar.

And as I passed the deck of the bar,

Peering through the fence panels,

I thought I recognized a face and a voice from my past.

Well, this might be interesting.

Anyways, entering the bar …

I saw Singer, Miss Daisy and Hottie already there.

Yeah, I was the last to arrive again, whatever ! 🙂

I said ‘hola’ to all and Singer gave me a quick, very successful, calm-down heads up … letting me know that a friend of Hottie and her was there, someone I’d recognize, but that I shouldn’t worry or be nervous.

So once again … there I was … in the closet thing I have to a comfort zone,

Hanging out with The UnUsual Suspects. 🙂

Which is so good for me ! 🙂

We caught up with the adventures of our missing compadre,

Hottie.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before I had to head back out …

To the office for the client matter and I wasn’t sure if I’d make it back before they called it a night.

Too little time, too much catching up to do. 🙁

Anyways, mucho work, activity, and stress transpired in my life during the three hours I was missing from the bar,

But shortly before 10:00 pm I was once again exiting my car and heading into the bar …

This time, I took the Miss Daisy entrance,

And was about 5 steps into the bar when I noticed that company had joined The UnUsual Suspects at the table …

Singer’s Cousin, Diva, was still there. 🙂 She knows my function and had arrived before I left earlier,

But also Singer’s friend, Wholelotta, was there, which was totally like … kewl !! 🙂 Wholelotta is one of Singer’s really good friends and joins us for drinks fairly frequently. She’s known my function since one of the GNO’s she joined us on earlier in the year, and has been one of my best experiences of disclosure outside of The UnUsual Suspects. Very nice, supportive, informed and realistic. So I was geeked to see her there, and started to lift my hand to wave ‘hola’ when I saw that in addition to her, also at the table was one of Wholelotta’s other friends.

YIKES !!!!!

This other person did not know my function, and was someone that though I certainly didn’t know well, I had met on more than one occasion through Wholelotta.

I almost said WTF right then and there and just continued to the table,

But I didn’t …

I chickened out.

It had been a phreaking long, stressful day …

And I did a 180 and walked right back to the car.

I didn’t see Hottie at the table, but I knew he’d be returning soon …

Though MD was not there either, I could have sworn I was parked next to his car?

So I called him to find out where he was …

“Hi Amy.”

“Where are you?”

“On my way back to BFE. I just got back in my car after taking a piss on the side of the road.”

“Oh. So you’re not here then. Hey, did you know Wholelotta’s friend was here?”

“Yeah, so what? Just go in. I don’t think they told her, but Wholelotta said last week that she could have brought her friend and she wouldn’t have recognized you.”

“Easier said than done.”

“I know, but you have to be yourself, you can’t hide, just go in.”

“I don’t know what I’ll do.”

And I didn’t.

So as that phone call concluded,

I did what I usually do in situations where I need advice from someone who I trust totally,

I called Singer.

Now in addition to being someone who gives me good advice,

Honest advice, and

Always watches my back,

Singer also knows how to talk to me.

Now there’s really no question that my transition wouldn’t be as positive or successful as it has been if it wasn’t for Singer,

Just as Shaft was critical and instrumental in helping me come to terms with my transsexualism …

Singer has been critical and instrumental in helping me start to live once I came to terms with it.

She’s kept me included in activities,

Arranged and coordinated our GNO’s so I could take baby steps in my development,

Gave me and gives me great practical advice,

Oh yeah …

And she doesn’t cut me any slack. 🙂 (Well, at least not much !! lol)

But I think she could tell I had had a long day …

As she talked to me sensibly, calmly, logically …

Making total sense while showing a great deal of patience with me.

And in the minute we spoke on the phone (my battery was dying), she pretty much had me convinced just to come back in …

But then she put Wholelotta on the phone and she closed the deal.

So seconds later …

There I was,

Being introduced to Wholelotta’s friend …

Again !! lol 🙂

Now props to Singer, Hottie, Wholelotta and Diva …

Who clearly on a spur of the moment reaction to the developing social setting,

Implemented Amy-Destressing Steps.

Wholelotta moved over a seat …

So I plopped myself between her and Diva and chatted it up with Diva while …

Singer and Hottie conversed with Wholelotta’s friend.

Eventually there was a lull in the conversation and Wholelotta’s friend started asking the basics … Where do you live? Are you married? How do you know these people?

Fortunately, Hottie played the Knight in Shining Armor role quite well and sprung into action redirecting that line of questioning and the entire conversation.

Now, I’m not sure if Wholelotta’s friend put two and two together …

Figured it out or not.

I really couldn’t tell.

But it was a positive end to a very long, stressful day of pushing my limits.

So as I stood to leave,

And turned around to see the face and voice from my past …

That I thought I recognized as I passed the deck of the bar,

When I first entered the bar hours earlier,

Was indeed who I thought it was …

Someone I had dated a long, long time ago,

It didn’t even phase me.

Besides, I was pretty convinced she wouldn’t recognize me ! 🙂