It’s All About Joe


Woooo hoooo !!! πŸ™‚

I finally figured out what the dork was causing my exceptionally despondent mood recently …

And figuring it out has made me feel soooo much better ! πŸ™‚

It’s been a struggle for me recently …

Falling so many rungs so quickly …

And just not being able to climb back up with any confidence.

Despite efforts by Singer, Shaft, Hottie and others in my real life …

I was getting nowhere,


In fact, by last night …

I was down another rung …


Hanging out around number 3.

Mainly because for some reason …

I was shutting people out.

I was totally withdrawing …

Talking with people just seemed to make me hurt all the more.

But this morning, as I was on the road …

Something Singer said to me yesterday while she was trying to help …

Combined with something Shaft said last night when he was trying to help …

And went off with a flash …

Giving me the answer.

I hate Joe Hairdy.

Yeah, I know, I know …

Hate is a pretty strong word,

To be used cautiously.

But I hate the phucking bastard.

And what’s worse …

Is the reason why I hate him.

It’s born of pure jealously.

It’s all about Joe.

In the last several weeks,

It seems as if I’ve be innundated with people expressing …

Mourning for Joe,

Longing for Joe,

Anticipated missing of Joe,

Fun time memories of Joe.

Seeing Joe whenever they look at me,

Me always being Joe,

And then if that’s not enough …

I was getting hit with occasional knocks to Joe.

I was taking it from all directions.

And totally innocently too,

No one saying anything meant to hurt my feelings …

And not just one person said it …

Each and every statement that started wearing on me was said multiple times by multiple parties.

Joe is this great guy.

And everyone was going to miss him,

While no one really gave a rip about me.

It totally blew.

I became jealous of him.

I wanted the friendships Joe had.

I wanted the associations Joe experienced.

I wanted the memories Joe created.

I was jealous that people liked him,

I wanted what he had,

It was all about Joe.

And being with anyone that reminded me of Joe became increasingly wearing on me …

Which is why I think I withdrew …

Isolated myself …

From everyone for the most part.

Had I moved away …

Removed myself from the frequent Joe reminders …

I don’t think I would have experienced what I experienced.

And in some ways …

I think that the reason this hit me as it has is because I’ve drawn out the dual life way too long …

It is negatively affecting everyone at this point.

But there’s a huge positive to this experience …

It has allowed me to see …

That I needed to bring closure to my own feelings for Joe Hairdy.

I too was holding on …

Refusing to let go …

And it had become destructive to me.

So anyways …

Joe and I need to co-exist for a bit longer …

But maybe now that he knows I hate him,

He’ll just leave me alone ! πŸ™‚

Editor’s Note: First of all, I’m not krazy … well, let me specify that … I’m not krazy just because I’m talking about Joe in the third person … it’s just easier that way. And secondly, I fully expect that my hatred for all things Joe will dissipate and I’ll like him once more … as soon as there’s a bit more distance between us. πŸ™‚ Lastly, I really do think that at some point … for those that know Joe … he’ll become a memory and it will be all about me, like it is supposed to be. Also, I’d like to thank the Academy and my wonderful viewers whose comments and e-mails helped make me smile and occupy my time while I was being tempted by the Dark Side. Thanks !!! πŸ™‚ I’ll reward you all with some boob pics someday !! πŸ™‚ Though, I guess that’s just a reward for the guys and lesbians in the amyvision audience. Oh well, it’s all I got. *shrug* πŸ˜‰

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  1. Scientologist? Deceived not is a Jedi by a cheap writer of science fiction. Only by derivative screen writers can a Jedi be deceived.

  2. Yo, A, did you catch the short bus to work this morning? If I combine the Kool-Aid and Shaft names, would it by Kool Shaft or Shaft Aid? How about Hottie and Baby Spice? If they got superglued together while doing it, would they be Hottie Spice or Hottie Baby? What about Spice, Spice Baby? Chew on this one: If you had to be a siamese twin with someone you know, who would it be? Discuss.

  3. I need no clarification with the “Baby Shaft has more turf on the dome than you do” comment….thank you very much!!! Maybe a golf reference in there too…other than that…Shaft is speaking russian…blah, blah, blah!!! OH YEAH!!!!

  4. Shaft … I have absolutely no clue as to what any of your comments there are referring !!! LOL Need a little help here understanding !! πŸ™‚

  5. Wait a minute! Joe was a Scientologist? Did he know Tom Cruise? Did he ever pass out that Watchtower thing? I’m confused. FYI, Hottie, Baby Shaft has more turf on the dome than you. No offense. Keep your eye on it….. watch it…. swing!

  6. Shocker…Singer beat me to the punch in throwing Joe under the bus. That being said, I guess I’ll just play the role of Busdriver!! “Bus driver, can you let my friend Jack off??” Annnnnd, begin!!Joe was a bastard (now, a bitch I guess), Joe was a sci-fi/technology geek (ok, I guess no surgery can/will change that),Joe sang like Bob Dylan (ok…Amy sings like Babs Dylan), Joe bowled like a girl (ohhhhh…makes sense now), Joe had WAY more hair than I do. OK….I’ve said it!! It’s all about the hair. Bastard…bitch…whatever!! Joe HAD way to much hair for a dude…Now in chick status…I can deal with it! Ok…I’m better now. Hmmm…what was that bump in the road…was it Joe? Not sure…I better back up & check! πŸ™‚

  7. Yo ‘kenna … if I’m your long lost twin, how come you’ve got bigger boobs?? bitch *turning my head, under my breath* πŸ™‚

  8. In some ways Amy will be a continuation of Joe, because she will have Joe’s memories, knowledge and skills, and routines for tackling various kinds of day-to-day situation. But! Amy has her own thoughts and perceptions, and these are very different from Joe’s. I think this may have a lot to do with hormones. Hormones deeply affect the brain. AFAIK, HRT causes permament changes in the brain after a time. Amy is literally not the same person as Joe; she is not merely a feminised version of him.

    Amy, your family, friends and others are having to get to know you. They obviously liked Joe very much, and they must be apprehensive to a degree about how this new person, Amy, will turn out to be. They will also be rooting for your happiness, while missing the old person very much.

    I would like to think that many of the other transitioners reading this will understand what I meant in the first paragraph. It’s a hard feeling to put across. I feel as though I have been born again, but with somebody else’s memories, knowledge and skills. The weird thing is that I have very little sense of emotional attachment to them. I am aware of having come into being, at least mentally, as Tamsin at some point, and whatever was before does feel kind of distant. I feel more real, more “myself” now than ever before, and the past has a slightly dream-like quality to it.

    Transition can feel strange and sometimes painful, but I’m sure you’re going to make it Amy.

  9. Hi Aims, I wasn’t going to write as it looks like you are getting lot’s of support… but then I decided to anyway because it might end up helping me instead.

    Change is another form of loss. We are creatures of habit and like to have some things remain…. especially if they are viewed as good. I suspect that those who mis Joe are thinking a good thing is coming to an end and that makes them sad… or angry or any other feeling other then happy.

    Anything or anyone who

  10. I don’t ever recall saying I was going to miss Joe. Hell, I never liked the bastard anyway. You need to get your boobs done or go buy some more clothes like mine. πŸ™‚

  11. My friends get both … which has not been good … The UnUsual Suspects see Joe on Wednesday night, me any other times … My Hobbits usually just see me, which might be why it is so easy being around them, though on the other hand, it might be because they are so into each other, and given our overlapping histories, it’s just a lot easier for everyone to only think of me as me … The Others usually just see me as Joe.

    I hope you NEVER meet Joe, Yodette. In fact, I no one I’ve ever met before meets Joe. πŸ™‚

  12. Jeesh! Can I borrow that material for my next therapist meeting? I mean, it was so on point for me I could have written it myself…

    Sometimes I have this strange feeling that you’re my long lost twin sister…phreakin strange…


  13. Talking in the 3rd person is completely ok. I grew to hate Harry (the name I shall use for my birth name) , partly because he was standing for everytyhing that I hated about myself. I did exactly the same thing.

    I hope though, that one day you can put Joe to rest like I did with Harry. Hell, there are a few times when I miss his horrid sense of fashion… (yeah… right..) … no… sadly, I don’t miss him…. πŸ˜€

  14. Are you spending time with your friends as Amy? The sooner they know the joys of Amy, the better.

    Claire, I have an advantage. I only know you as Claire. Probably will never meet Joe, either, come to think of it.

  15. Rejoicing for Amy,

    Longing for Amy,

    Anticipated the arrivel of Amy…….

    I guess the only point I want to make is all I know is Amy and I love what I see…..

  16. hey aims, i dunno about you, but one of the hardest things about transitioning (that no one ever seems to speak about) is reintegrating parts of your former self into your new self…

    as in, i tried to purge everything even remotely boy-ish in me for a while because i was afraid of getting clocked because of it. now that i’m more or less comfortable with myself, i’m allowing bits of the old me back in that i liked.

    one such thing is how i used to interact with friends. i’d hope that rekindles aspects of our relationships that have gone untouched for a number of months and hopefuly makes them not miss the old me anymore…


  17. okay, first off, glad you have re-established yourself on your normal rung of happiness. second, like we discussed early, the grass is always greener for people on the other side. it isn’t that they don’t love you, it is that joe isn’t really here anymore and people always want what they can’t have. at least that his how i look at it. and, although i know it is hard, take all those things as compliments…joe was that cool, but you are so much cooler now that you are truly you.

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