Friday Five for March 19, 2004

Yeah … I know what you’re thinking … “Huh, didn’t we already have a Friday Five this week?”

Well, yeah … we did you smark alecks, I know I was woefully late last week getting them done … but hey, I got them finished, right ? That counts for something, no? 🙂

Oh well, I think these are really fun questions … so I’m definitely motivated to answer them, as opposed to prepping for the jury pick I’ve got docketed which I had originally intended to do when I started answering these questions at 4:00 am this morning … now you see, prepping for my jury pick is an example of something I’m not so motivated to do.

So, with avoidance being given its proper respect … on with the questions ! 🙂

If you…

1. …owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?

A hamburger shop, of course !! 🙂 I’d called it Amy’s Burger Shack, but most people would refer to it simply as Amy’s BS.

It’d be someplace where I serve big, juicy burgers and crinkle cut fries. (Not french fries, remember … I hold grudges a long time and I still hate the french (intentional uncapitalization) :)) Yummmmmy !! It’s not a gourmet burger shack, it’s just a clean, sorta greasy spoon hang out spot. Kind of like a bar kitchen, except the dining area is brighter … so that after you leave, when you walk outside, you’re not blinded by the sun … which happens when you eat a good lunch at a bar. It’s so dark inside, your eyes are dorked when they hit light again … at least, that’s what I hear. *eyes shifting from side to side* 🙂 Obviously, I serve Coors Light, Bud, Bud Light, Jager and Red Bull shots, vodka and Red Bull drinks and water. Coca-Cola products and iced tea are also available. There are a lot of televisions everywhere.

You can order your burger however you like, but some of the more popular items are as follows:

The Amy is a 1/2 lb hamburger cooked medium well with lettuce, tomato and onion. A side order of crinkle cut fries and two pickles are included.

The Singer is a 1/2 lb cheeseburger cooked medium well, pickle only. A side order of crinkle cut fries is included.

The Shaft is … well, okay … here’s the truth … Shaft is by far the pickiest eater I’ve ever met !! When Shaft and I were in law school … every time at the drive thru at McDonald’s … he special ordered everything !! And McDonald’s back then sucked for special orders, it’d take forever !!!!!! Oh, and before he commits to anything he wants … he repeats the core components of the food item to the waitress/cook … every phreakin’ time !! … “I’d like a ham and cheese sandwich. Do you put ham on that? Do you put cheese on that? Do you put them between two pieces of bread? Do you grill it then? How hot is the grill?” … every phreakin’ time !! And … he loves ketchup/catsup … sometimes he takes those little packets you get and he just shoots the entire thing into his mouth … soooooo … when you order The Shaft, you get a 1 lb cheeseburger cooked medium and your very own bottle of ketchup/catsup. But you have to repeat the following before placing your order: “What’s on that cheeseburger? Do you put cheese on it? Do you use a burger? What about a bun, what kind of bun do you use? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH !!” There is also a pickle on the side that you always give to me. (Thanks Shaft :)) Now like Miss Daisy, Shaft likes to tweak Singer on occasion … which is why instead of crinkle cut fries, you get a side order of onion rings. (Singer does not like onions.)

The Hottie … interestingly … I’ve probably had lunch with Hottie somewhere in the vicinity of like 8 million times over the years (let the math slide, I’m on a roll) … and I think I’ve only seen him order a burger once, and then he didn’t finish it. 🙂 He’ll order a sandwich or an appetizer thing, quesadillas, or chicken strips on occasion. So since there’s some variation … The Hottie is the daily special … sometimes it’s a speciality sandwich, sometimes an appetizer, chicken strips, and on rare occasions even a burger. And … when you order The Hottie, you also get to point out who you think is the hottest looking girl or boy that’s working Amy’s BS that day and we’ll have them bring your meal to your table. See … that way you can say “I’ll take The Hottie” and get what you want … kinda !

The Sister is a liquid meal. I’ve never seen her eat anything, not even her birthday cupcakes. However, I’ve seen her consume copious quantities of a certain water, barley, rice mix. So, when you order The Sister you get a pitcher of Bud Light in a really, really tall glass accompanied with a tube of hemp lip balm.

The Miss Daisy is something you might not expect to see in a burger joint … and it’s something that takes days to prepare. We take the cheapest, skankiest looking frozen pepperoni pizza available … stick it in one of those glass boxes with a light bulb in the top and a rotating plate … leave it there for 5 days minimum until it’s sort of shriveled up, yet greasy at the same time … and then we overcharge you for one small slice. I’m told when you have a good buzz going, it’s not a bad meal … but, I hope to never know for myself ! 🙂

The Skipper consists of a plate of wax food. You see … whatever Skipper orders, she doesn’t eat … she just sort of picks at it while the rest of the party enjoys their meal. So it really doesn’t matter if you’re being served real food or not, if you order the Skipper, you’ll never notice. Unfortunately, we only have one plate of wax food, so only one diner can order it at a time. Sorry. 🙂

2. …owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?

Hmmmm … here are my requirements that would have to be met: a.) I’d have to be able to watch television while I worked in the store; b.) It would need to be some sort of commodity that doesn’t sell well remotely or over the ‘net, something for which people actually need to go to the store, and c.) I’d like a regular, repeating sort of clientele so I’d get to know their names. Seems to me that a privately-held, locally owned and operated convenience/liquor store in a soley residential district operated out of the single location in a 5-mile radius grandfathered out of the zoning requirements would fit the bill for me.

3. …wrote a book, what genre would it be?

Heck if I know … what would you call AmyNews.com? Autobiographical, dysfuntional drivel? 🙂

4. …ran a school, what would you teach?

Well, let’s see … when I was in school, I really liked my math classes, history and civics classes were good stuff, computer classes were great, business classes I owed, though I wasn’t much into the other sciences at all. As far as English goes … any class that required writing, is a class wherein that I uniformly sucked (whatever !), but my speech or public speaking classes I loved. So if I could teach, I’d teach the public speaking line-up … debate, forensic speaking, speech, drama … those things.

Yo? Did I just answer a question seriously? 🙂

5. …recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?

Well … let’s see, obviously … it would be a double album, I think I’d do covers of the following songs:

Album Boy
Love Somebody, Rick Springfield
Pour Some Sugar On Me, Def Leppard
In Your Eyes, Peter Gabriel
Your Love, The Outfield
Is She Really Going Out With Him, Joe Jackson
Tempted, Squeeze
Feeling That Way, Journey
Sentimental Street, Night Ranger
High On You, Survivor
Truly Madly Deeply, Savage Garden
Everytime I Think of You, The Babys

Album Girl
Heaven Is A Place On Earth, Belinda Carlise
Everywhere to Me, Michelle Branch
Breathless, The Corrs
No More Words, Berlin
Torn, Natalie Imbruglia
Spiderweb, No Doubt
Why Can’t I?, Liz Phair
Come On, Letters to Cleo
Goodbye to You, Scandal
Cherry Lips, Garbage
Fading Like A Flower, Roxette