Scenes from the Courthouse


“K, I’ve got a CHC on the complainant … convictions for filing a false police report and an embezzlement, plus a whole bunch of other good stuff … it’s a gift. Injuries are questionable. Moderate. A victim I can impeach … I like your case. Now it’s a decent plea they are offering … because the case is questionable. But you’ve got a strong case for trial. What ‘cha wanna do?”

“Will I get jail if I plea?”

“Yeah, most likely. In fact, pretty damn likely. I can’t imagine you wouldn’t. Jail, probation upon release, fines, costs … the basics.”

“Will they put me in jail today?”

“They might, yeah. I can argue for a delay, and would expect to get it, but there is a slight chance that you’d be taken into custody immediately.”

“How much jail time?”

“Hmmmm … 30 days. Something like that. Work Release eligible.”

“Okay … I’ll plea. But I want to go to jail today.”


“I want to go to jail today. Let’s plea.”

“Are you sure? You’ve got a good case. It’s not leaving a good taste in my mouth. It’s your call, but are you sure?”

“Yes. I wanna plea.”

“Care to tell me why?”

“The birds. I just can’t take the birds anymore !”


“You told me that I couldn’t get her out of my house until this was all over, right?”

“You could, it wouldn’t be wise though.”

“And if I try this case, it’s another 3 – 4 months at least before trial.”

“Yeah, probably a bit longer actually.”

“Right. See … where I’m staying while this is going on, they have these phucking birds, cockadoos or cockatails … something like that. Anyways, these birds talk … and mimic people. And they do it really, really good. Whenever I walk into the room … the one says … “Hi cocksucker” … whenever I leave the room, the other says “Where ya going dip shit?” …. they say that to me all the time !!! They call me other names too.”

“You gotta be kidding me … that’s hilarious … dip shit !!”

“I’m not kidding man !! I can’t take it … it’s a small house, I can’t move with them damn birds talking to me. And they just think it’s funny !”

“The birds think it’s funny?”

“No, the owners.”

“Oh. So you’re saying you want to go to jail to get away from the birds?”

“I haven’t slept through the night in weeks. The birds make this ringing sound like the telephone …. wakes me up … I go to answer the phone and it’s not even ringing, then the fucking dogs start barking at me. I just want some sleep. I’ve gotta go to jail.”

“There are other options. We can ….”

“No, jail, it’s my only hope.”


Bailiff: “All Rise !! The Unnamed Court in the Obvious State is now in session. The Honorable Judge Kewl presiding.

(Yeah, I like this judge. Sure, he’s busted my butt in the past, but he’s a really good judge and knows his stuff. And it’s not like my butt didn’t deserve to get busted when he busted it.)

Judge Kewl: “Please be seated. Let’s see, I understand we have a resolution in this case … is the State ready to proceed?

Assistant Prosecuting Attorney (APA), rising to stand: “Yes Your Honor, we are. However, we seem to be missing defense counsel.

Judge Kewl: “Ahhhhh, okay. Mr. Hairdy?” The judge begins, looking at the defense table, three feet to the left of the assistant prosecuting attorney.

Joe Hairdy, rising to stand: “Yes Your Honor.”

Judge Kewl: “Are you and the APA not playing nicely again? Is that why she’s pretending you don’t exist. I thought we all got over that sandbox incident last year.

Assistant Prosecuting Attorney, turning to her left and seeing Joe Hairdy standing: “Oh my gawd Joe ! I didn’t see you there, how did you get there? I’m sorry. Your Honor, we are ready to proceed. I apologize.” She said with a smile and a laugh.

Joe Hairdy: “And I apparently exist again Your Honor. We are also ready.” Said smiling.

Judge Kewl, laughing: “Good, I’m glad. Let’s take care of some business then.


Joe Hairdy is standing, hunched over, taking care of some paper work with the court clerk’s office through the window in the wall. Three sheriff deputies are standing a few feet away, same side of the wall, within earshot, but blocked from Joe’s view by a barrier up the wall.

Unknown Deputy One: “No, I’m on OT now. I just came in for the pre on a case this morning.

Unknown Deputy Two: “Yeah, I saw you in B earlier. Hey, who was that chick attorney wearing a tie that was working the case. The suit and tie thing was strange, but she kinda worked for me.

Unknown Deputy One: “Ohhhh mannnn, you are sooooo going to pay for that !!” LOL

Unknown Deputy Two: “What??

Note to self as I quickly slinked away from the clerk’s window hoping not to draw the attention of Deputy One, Deputy Two and Deputy Three: Now that was phreakin’ phunny !!! 🙂 And remember to challenge Unknown Deputy Two’s skills of observation in the future if so needed, I might be able to rattle him. 🙂

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  1. See – that’s the time to go FT… I think everyone’s right 🙂

    See – the time that I answer the phone to accept a gig a few months before I go full time was quite similar. The person didn’t know me, and booked me as , which is what I use these days. (I have a unisex name). Imagine their shock and horror when I turned up for the gig in a penguin suit!


  2. That is Preaking Phunny!


    It IS time to go FullTime!

    One of these days you’re going to walk into court with your purse, instead of your briefcase!

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