Eye Rain

I’ve been in this really strange place …

Emotionally.

I’ve been here for a bit more than a week.

When it first hit me,

I expected it to pass rather quickly.

Since I generally don’t get an excessive sense of blah …

And when I do, it ususally doesn’t last.

But it’s lingered much longer than I ever expected.

And I’m definitely not enjoying this trip to funknesstown.

“Is it your period?”

“Could it be the mid-winter blues?”

“I think you’re over-stressed trying to decide what to do about work.”

Who knows what it is … it’s probably a combination of a variety of things.

And in many ways … I don’t think it’s nearly as related to my transsexualism as most would think.

My mom is having surgery this upcoming week.

My dad’s health certainly hasn’t improved.

I’ve got plenty of stressers at work.

I’ve pissed off Ex.

I’ve got a few disclosures that have been somewhat demanding.

It’s just that … all the while I’m handling those things …

Because of my transsexualism, I’m trying extra hard to please others … do what they need/want me to do for them.

And it’s not that their requests are unreasonble …

It’s just … right here … right now …

I’m feeling myself being the one in need of assistance …

And not as strong as I like to be to do what I need to do for others.

I feel this obligation to others … to do what they want me to do … to do what I’m supposed to do for them … to remain cheerful and upbeat … to put on the happy face … to reward them for sticking through things with me by suggesting that I’m doing perfectly well with all of this.

And most of the time, I am.

But this shit is pretty overwhelming and has required so much of my attention that it seems to have rendered me incapable for now of being all things to all people.

And finally … a few nights ago … it got to me hard.

I was on my way home … and the tears just started a’ coming.

Thank gawd … when I cry, I don’t sob or cry in hysterics … I don’t do that hyena wailing thing !! 🙂

I simply get teary.

Very teary.

Unless you looked at me … you wouldn’t know I was crying …

You wouldn’t hear me whimper … you wouldn’t see me shake.

You’d just see that my eyes were really, really wet.

Anyways, I had to pull into a parking lot, place my car in Park …

And while the tears fell, I just stared ahead.

The crying fest really didn’t help.

Though I’ve tried a few other things too.

I’ve withdrawn from others …. trying to be alone even though I don’t want to be alone.

But solitude really didn’t helped.

I considered the possibility of doing the opposite … seeking commitmentless companionship with another … but despite making some moves in that directiooooon … fortunately I’m still wise enough to appreciate the danger in which that would place me.

Finally, I’ve taken my mind down a number of mental explorations in an attempt to accommodate, rationalize, ease myself.

But even that hasn’t really helped.

Which is odd … because generally I can rationalize anything ! 🙂

Oh well, I’ll figure something out eventually.

I always do.

In the meantime … sworry for the lack of decent postage these past few days.