Such An Innocuous Beginning

I did another four hours of electrolysis yesterday morning … what a way to start a Monday … ugh. Cleared the remnants on my face rather quickly … some stranglers on the upper lip (hurt worse than normal this time) and those lower areas underneath my mouth … and then went cleaning up some other areas on my neck …

It’s still the kewlest feeling in the world to me touching my face and feeling no beard support. Strangely, it’s more an interesting experience/feeling for me than having breasts. I don’t know what that says about me … other than regardless of my gender … I have significant tendencies towards weirdness.

In fact, my boobs aren’t even my second favorite change … next are my body curves in general … sometimes I’ll just notice myself lying there … leg sticking out a little too much from underneath the covers, bedsheet falling nicely off my butt and I’m like … yeah !!! 🙂

But ….

Then I inevitably start thinking about whether I’ll ever have somebody to hold me, share life with me …

Appreciate my mighty fine set of legs that go all the way up my … 😉

And then I get than lonely, longing feeling again …

Gawd that sucks.

To feel wanted … to be needed.

It’s definitely a core part of my personality.

So that gets me thinking …

Am I doing the right thing?

Did I make the right decision in transitioning?

Because a boring, run of the mill, suburbanite boy/girl relationship and life with all the associated joys, challenges, fights and happiness that come with it …

Is not something a transsexual girl has good odds of obtaining.

Am I being delusional … in another variation of denial … in my attempts to guide my life in a direction to obtain such?

I mean …

I could have had, and most likely could still obtain, such a life with someone … have a family …

If I was willing to play to the boy.

Which raises the question … if I’m knowingly turning away a good likelihood of finding such an opportunity with someone …

So that I can transition …

Is transitioning more important to me than having a family, being with someone?

I don’t know …

But I really don’t think it’s important …

Because what I do know is that I could only play the boy role so far in a relationship … marriage … before my system, brain, internal being … began to shut down … withdraw and isolate.

I was pretty good at playing boy … but I could only play it to a certain degree …

And if that’s the case …

If a relationship is something I want and need …

Then I have to take some steps to give myself the chance to find one where I can be a participant in the relationship fully … without limitation … without being in it to only a “certain degree”.

Now, let’s be real, there’s no way I can honestly say at this point that I know I’m going to be able to be the girl in a relationship, fully and without limitation …

It’s way too early to tell.

Maybe I’ll do this whole transition thing and it’ll turn out that in addition to being transsexual …

My brain is mucked up in some way that any role in a relationship is unnatural for me and I’ll be doomed to a life of loneliness …

Who knows.

But I can say … at this point in my journey …

I’m finding myself much more at ease, much more natural, thinking much less about what I’m supposed to do, and just doing while being me …

From clearly a girl perspective …

Than I ever did when I was playing boy.

Which gives me hope for finding happiness …

Even if the odds against it happening are a bet that would tempt Pete Rose. 🙂

Speaking of betting …

I bet you never thought this post was going to take such a dysfunctional tangent when it started out discussing my last electrolysis appointment, huh? 🙂

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6 Comments

  1. Well, its a scarey proposition…from one who is only 5 months into full time. I know how Amy feels. I hear stories from female friends abot how hard it is to find a good guy…

    I’m glad to hear that you’ve found love Yodette. Your comments are quite reassuring…

    Makenna

  2. Who’s to say what the future holds? All I can go by is my own experience and what I’ve witnessed over the years. Most of the transwomen I’ve known who were nice souls found someone to love, even those with much less going for them than Amy.

    In my own life I’ve had no difficulty finding partners, male or female, when I’ve wanted one. My partners were aware of my story and it deterred none of them, although I admit I made an effort to choose partners of good character I judged could accept it. I’m older than Amy, but I don’t doubt if I was in the market for another lover I could find one. (My partner, on the other hand, would probably take a dim view of such dalliance. 🙂

  3. I hope you get more replies on this one, as I am curious to read about other people’s experiences with their love relationships.

  4. 1.) I promise I won’t hide myself away.

    2.) I won’t be holding out for Brad Pitt.

    3.) Whoever he turns out to be … will look like Brad Pitt in my eyes !!

    So I hope you’re right Yodette !! 🙂

  5. I’ve been around a long time. Unless you decide to hide yourself away or hold out for Brad Pitt, you shouldn’t have any trouble finding someone.

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