Friday Five for December 26, 2003

Zoinks !!!!!!! Can you believe it ?? The last Friday Five of 2003 ! Wow … it’s hard to believe that the year is coming to a close. It totally blows me away thinking about where in my life I was a year ago this time … what was important to me in my life (remains the same); what my hopes were (different now than then); what my fears were (different now than then); and, where I see my life going (different now than then). Wild. Anyways, though I’ve got a few “year-end” posts in the works, I really wasn’t thinking “end of the year” just yet, but what the Friday Five asks … I answer (at least most weeks when I don’t have an attitude. :))

1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year?

That’s a tough call …

There was finally making a decision on what to do in my life,

There was actually pulling the trigger and getting my ffs, and

There were non-transition related things that offered some accomplishments …

But after all was said and done … what I consider my biggest accomplishment were my Disclosures. Telling people close to me, my friends and family, that I was a transsexual … and this is what my choices are … and this is the direction where I’m progressing … was the hardest thing I’ve ever done … and I had to do it repeatedly. It was like dying dozens of times. I hate that look in their eyes once it connects … the look that replaces the one people had for you before you told them, where they liked you, respected you. And I was lucky … with the exception of one, I’ve had really good disclosures each and every time … but had I known how hard it was going to be on me emotionally dealing with the after effects of telling people, I’m not sure I’d have had the courage to do it … but I’m very glad I didn’t know how how tough it was going to be, because I’m very, very glad I did it 🙂 … It’s so liberating and life affirming ! 🙂 So those disclosures are my biggest accomplishment of 2003.

2. What was your biggest disappointment?

Sworry, I can’t answer this questioooon. Hurts too much and I don’t feel like doing that to myself right now … maybe later ! 🙂 (Yeah, right. ;))

3. What do you hope the new year brings?

Happiness and health for my family and friends. I really don’t give much of a rip about myself, so sad, but I’ve got a lot of family and friends who are in the position to have some happiness and I want them to have it … or who are in the need of some good health and I want them to get it. So that’s what I hope the new year brings. 🙂 Boring, I know.

4. Will you be making any New Year’s resolutions? If yes, what will they be?

Gawd, I would imagine that I’d come up with a few. It’s always a nice superficial thing to do … so fitting for me !! 😛 lol But it’s way too early for me to identify what resolutions I’ll actually make … let’s see though, here are some possiblities I suppose …

1. Make a dramatic reduction in my use of swear words.
2. Take up social smoking.
3. Continue my voice work.
4. Find a new job.
5. Smile more often.
6. Watch more television.
7. Be there for my peeps when they need me.
8. Consume more fast food.
9. Find something to fill suddenly gobs of free time.
10. Buy bigger boobs.

5. What are your plans for New Year’s Eve?

Ugh !!!! I don’t know if I want to even share this with you … but … oh well, what the hell (hey, it’s not the new year yet ! :)) Okay, so remember my UnInvite, the whole “it’d be best if you didn’t come, people would figure out you’re ts” thang? Well, I was uninvited to a get together on New Year’s Eve … total pain! Anyways, in my rash reaction to the hurt, I decided to punish myself for my transsexualism … so I agreed to do something that I now dread doing … I said “yes’ to a woman who had been asking me to go out on New Year’s Eve … and she expects me to be in Joe Hairdy mode, knowing nothing of Amy mode. Now, I’m not a jerk or anything ( … whatever), I was very clear with this woman that there is no possibility for a relationship of any sort, I was only saying “yes” as a favor because she “needed” a male date … UGH. And I agreed to play the boy. UGH !! Now today, I’m not sure I can pull it off. I’m really dreading the event and the act. Angry at myself for reacting to some hurt in such a childish way. And frustrated that I know this woman still thinks she’s got a chance with me, despite my assertions otherwise. Grrrrrrrr. Anyways, I’ve got to figure out what to do about the situation in which I’ve stuck myself … Ideally, I’ll figure out a way out of my current plans and sit at home, by myself, in the dark, watching television. If I’m not able to pull off that trick … then I’ll be in a very uncomfortable position for an extended period of time being properly aware this is punishment for my transsexualism. Sweet, huh? No? Well, at least it’s dysfunctional in a very unhealthy way ! 🙂

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  1. You don’t want to bring in the new year not being yourself. Cancel that date. If need be, stay home, drink champagne out of a fancy glass, give yourself a facial, and crank up the NYE MTV special!!! Treat yourself…put some Lawry’s in that champagne! Use the time to reflect on all that you have accomplished this year. You have positively dealt with things some people could never deal with in a million years. You are so the million dollar survivor of all time.

  2. Yuhpers Yodette … you’ve trained me well 🙂 … I’m thinking outside the box. I’ve got the situation well in hand … well, kinda ! 😉

  3. Could you find a replacement date for her? (Think outside the box, if necessary.)

    The date thing is small potatoes. More worrisome is your desire to start social smoking. Have you any notion what smoking will do to your voice? Nothing quite like a dainty smoker’s hacking cough, either. And, how many guys who don’t smoke will want to kiss an ashtray?

    My best friend took up “social smoking” when she transitioned because she thought it looked cool.

    “Don’t worry. I won’t get hooked. I’ll just smoke when we’re out at a club.”

    Thirty-one years later she’s smoking more than a pack a day despite countless attempts to quit. She rues the day she ignored my advice – and says so. “Social smoking” is playing with fire.

  4. Yeah, I’ve got to figure something out. I will, I’ll just probably get in touch with her and talk it through … I could pull off the Joe role if I had to, but I really am not sure I could do the Joe on a Date role … that, would be pretty hard for me to do. ’cause the more I’ve been able to be me, the harder doing anything as Joe has become (psssst … that’s called foreshadowing ! :))

  5. Sweetie,
    you don’t have to go out on New Year’s Eve playing that “Joe” character. Just tell this young lady that although you had promised to go, you can no longer do it. You should give her more time than a last minute walk-out, however, so tell her soon. She might think you’re a heel for doing this, but how would you feel being out as “him” once again.

    Be a little selfish, don’t put yourself in that painful situation. It’s ok.


  6. I know !! I simply can’t go on New Year’s Eve … I’m a really good actor/actress, but I don’t think I could pull it off and not appear miserable !! I’ll figure something out. But I can’t cancel at the last minute, that just wouldn’t be nice.

  7. No another univite! You must have been one popular guy to be uninvited so much!

    As far as the date goes…well, WHY put yourself through that? Call in sick. Cancel at last minute. After all, that what guys and girls do in the real world. She’s not going anywhere with you anyway, and besides, shewil consider you a heel and won’t want to go ot with yo again.


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