Amy, Meet Amy
I’m finding there are a multitude of transitions that I am going through in this experience:
My physical transition is the most obvious to all, but curiously enough, since I’m not seeing myself nearly as much as others see me (psst, contrary to rumors, I don’t carry a mirror with me everywhere), it’s probably the least noticeable to me of my transitions. Simply said, the physical transition involves learning the ins and outs of operating with a female physical presentation. Conforming the body, maintaining the body, living in the body.
My social transition is more noticeable to both me and others as I, like others, are well aware of my interactions with more and more people who perceive me willingly as being in the female role. Simply said, the social transition involves learning the ins and outs of dealing with people as a female. Handling interactions, developing social skills, learning of expectations.
My emotional transition is more personal, noticeable only by me. Simply said, the emotional transition pertains to my own sense of comfort with myself, internal acceptance of my own self-awareness and ability to allow myself to release the remnants of the guise I’ve worn for so long and just let myself feel what I feel.
There may be other transitions associated with this, I’m not claiming it’s a complete list, this isn’t a text … it’s just me, lil ol’ Amy … trying to talk my way into my own understanding of myself.
Now my physical transition is something of which I’m much more comfortable now than I was prior to ffs.
And my social transition … hehe … is actually probably something I’m most comfortable with, always have been, most likely always will be.
But my emotional transition, which I thought was moderately well before my ffs, totally crashed and burned afterwards.
I’m not sure what triggered it, I was warned by my surgeon that there was a chance I’d get the blues about 5 – 7 days afterwards … and on day 7, it hit.
Weird too, as the results of my surgery, I’m totally pleased with, in fact, as I do with most things I put off doing … once I do them, I wish I had done them sooner. And that’s the way it is with my ffs.
Right now, I’m thinking it might be a bit of a physical/emotional shock to my system resulting from now when I look in the mirror … no longer seeing the face I had seen my entire life previously.
I see something different … on one hand, I still see the old me in my mind at times, but then I’m finding I see the new me in my mind at times too.
And I’m thinking that this physical appearance rearraging in my own mind, moving the furniture around in a way, is causing my emotional transition to do a little hiccup.
Things are a bit different, the room has changed, I’ve got to get familiar with things again …. familiar with myself.
I’ve got to let Amy meet Amy.
Because once she does, I do think she’ll like her. 🙂
2083 you can buy tramadol online.
http://www.tramadol.owns1.com
Hey Amy…get on with it hon. Time is a-wasting, and you’ve got alot of girl time to catch up on…
Besides the fact that you’re not going to be able to get away with boy mode anymore without seriously playing with peoples heads..(er..I mean minds)
Makenna
poor shaft
Good. That’s settled. Now, about Hockey….
🙂
Good comments … all of you ! Thank you !! 🙂 I think there is a good chance the distress I’m experiencing is related to still having to do the boy thing … Shaft and Singer are both singing the same song in that respect – Singer in key though; Yodette – great observation and dead-on accurate too – my excuses have worn uncomfortably thin; Tamsin – I couldn’t agree more and the risks of delay are concerning me greatly !
I wonder how much of the distress is due to resisting the sensible realization that excuses not to transition have grown uncomfortably thin.
😉
Have you made any decisions yet about when to go full-time? Shaft’s comment was interesting – it could be very prudent for you to go full-time before the people around you irrevocably tie-in your feminised face with the concept of “Joe”. I hope whatever you do goes well.
I think you have it figured out. Time will result in familiarity. It’s kind of like looking at a new haircut. After a few days, you don’t even notice it. Except for the bruising and the hairline, I think my brain has already associated your new profile with you. The tricky part is my brain is tying the new profile to Joe, not Amy. In a perfect world, I think the new face would have been the perfect time to roll out the entire Amy presentation.
Again … wow !! Yodette … you truly are a Jedi Mistress !!
It’s easier to give sound advice and make good decisions when you aren’t too close or too emotionally invested.
Perspective the problem is. Stand at the foot of a mountain and its profile you will see not. To look at herself a Jedi must find a distant place for her mind’s eye. If you cannot look from the outside, yourself you will see not.
(It’s not easy being green, as a frog once confided to me.)
good point…
although i suspect that the distress is amy’s routine way of handling these changes…
ROFL Wow … that is a really good point !!! (And no sarcasm at all this time, it really is !! :))
Excuse me, but aren’t you the gal who gets disoriented and distressed when she changes her _hair_ slightly?