Transmogrifier

Certainly not intending to offend … and I have to believe not even aware I was bothered by such …

A word was used the other day with reference to my transition that bothered me … transformation.

In fact, it more than bothered me.

It sent me to this place where I honestly hadn’t been before …

The world of doubting if I could pass … integrate as a woman … be accepted as one, at least by the unaware.

I’m not sure why the word bothered me such … maybe it wasn’t the word so much as the context in which it was used … because actually I think it’s a correct use of the word.

I suppose I am transforming.

But I never thought of it that way.

I just thought of it as being me.

And though I think I’ve enjoyed a fairly successful rate of passablilty in my transition thus far …

I think the imminence of my ffs …

Along with the adament comments coming at me from multiple fronts that “You’re too much of a guy“, “You’ll never look like a girl“, “You’ll always walk like a guy“, “You’re body movements and style are just too much of a man’s“, and the oft used by all “I just can’t imagine you as anything but Joe Hairdy“…

Combined to totally disrupt my confidence. What if I don’t transition into who I see myself, but transform into something totally unexpected and non-passable.

What if … despite having ffs and everything else I’ve done … I’m not able to pass comfortably and consistency on just a day in and day out basis.

What if I’m never able to pass on an intimate level.

Heck, maybe I don’t pass as well now as I think.

Maybe I’ve gotten more stares and looks than I’ve been aware. And my confidence and comfortable interactions have been nothing but falsehoods in my mind. People just being nice to me … not pointing out the freak.

Passing is critical to me. And for the first time to date … I find myself questioning whether I’ll be passable. Maybe I am just being transformed. And for some reason, transformation suggests falsehood to me.

And false is the last thing I’m being right now.

Which is maybe why the word bothered me so much … making me realize that some still think I’m being fake in all of this, or will only be a resulting fraud.

Oh well … I can’t change the prejudices others bring to the table overnight …

The best I can hope for is that the confident, sparky, fun, cute chica I’m “transforming” into will someday help others correct their original misconceptioooons. 🙂

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4 Comments

  1. transformation
    does sound like a cheezy action figure thing,
    or an anne sexton poem…

    i have a similar feeling when people say
    i converted to catholicism…

    i don’t feel as if i’ve changed,
    either in becoming catholic
    or presenting female 24/7

    it’s more like a completion
    of who/what i really am…

  2. (I didn’t know fingers could hickup.)

    BTW, those who didn’t want me to transition opined similar doubt… until they met the real me. No retractions, but sullen silence said enough.

    Consider the source of each doubts – especially the doubts of your own fears.

  3. “Dark are the clouds of reason and self. Hide the force, they do. Sprout a flower seed. Can it transform into anything but a flower? A Jedi does not ‘tranform’. A Jedi ‘unveils’.”

    If you are unsure of the seed, plant it and remove the doubt.

    🙂

  4. “Dark are the clouds of reason and self. Hide the force, they do. Sprout a flower seed. Can it transform into anything but a flower? A Jedi does not ‘tranform’. A Jedi ‘unveils’.”

    If you are unsure of the seed, plant it and remove the doubt.

    🙂

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