The Purge

During the course of my life …

I have had a few of them.

The infamous … Purge.

It’s what used to happen to me when the guilt and confusion over my gender issues would crescendo to such a point of denial and cause me to take steps to avoid acknowledgement in my life of anything female.

It really didn’t happen that often, probably three times total.

But each time it did happen, I gathered everything female I had accummulated … clothes, maxis, make-up, magazines … and tossed it.

Threw it away.

STOP FOOLING YOURSELF.

GROW UP.

YOU’RE NOT A WOMAN !!

BE A MAN !!

BE WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE !

And I’d do that for a while … but eventually … I’d find myself having to admit … this doesn’t seem to go away … this feeling keeps coming back.

Which is why I’ve had three or so Purges.

Because eventually I’d succomb to my natural inclination.

And reconsider transition.

Hey, apparently I’m a slow learner.

Anyways … I started a purging process today.

Again.

And did a great deal of cleaning and decision-making regarding tossing or donating some items.

But this time the Purge is not because of guilt, denial or angst.

And it doesn’t feel strange, doesn’t feel odd, or anything else …

Except ironic.

For now, after all this time …

My girl clothes are staying … and my boy clothes are the ones being purged.

At least most of them as I’m moving Joe Hairdy’s attire to the backdrop in my bedroom.

Kewl. πŸ™‚

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5 Comments

  1. hmmm… i fergit how many times i did that,
    but i remember the last two…
    the next-to-last,
    my wife was on the verge of leaving me,
    and the last,
    i’d already left her,
    and just went to wearing only jeans and tees…
    so when i went full-time,
    i just kept a tee shirt,
    and i still have a pair of jeans that aren’t
    very girly,
    just in case i ever have to pose as a guy…

    but, yeah,
    we’re seeing closure here,
    aren’t we?

    the suspense is even beginning to get to me…

    πŸ™‚

  2. pack rat? lol, you and me both aims… i’m *wearing* a shirt from high school and one from college *right now* (i always wear 2, since that helps to hide my booblets). πŸ™‚

    ..claire

  3. It can be a form of closure. One winter day, not long after Christmas, I moved out of my parent’s house into my own place. Begining the next day I never dressed as a guy again. For the next couple of weeks I gave away all the male things anyone wanted, put the rest in a paper sack, dropped it at the Goodwill. I never looked back.

  4. Well … I’m a major league pack rat … I’ve got clothes from high school still. And I’m fixing my bedroom up (i.e. trying to find my bed) so when I return I have a comfy place for recovery. But since I’ll have some boy responsibilities remaining afterwards, I’m not tossing everything, but gawd, it seems like I’m just throwing away or donoting the farm at this point!! And it’s really kewl ! πŸ™‚

  5. Wow!

    This is the big one where it really feels real.

    I remember the big tossing of clothes. It marked when I felt there was no going back. I hope you’re feeling that way too!

    Big Big Hugs from iMom!

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