Mental Prep

I’m at an interesting point …

It’s really hard to describe.

I’d probably call it a point of resigned acceptance and determination.

I had a difficult weekend this past weekend. Actually, the past couple of weeks, maybe even the past month, has been trying.

I think it’s been because despite some family and friends legitimate desire to be there for me, they can’t help but convey their desires that I don’t transition,

Or when accepting that they can’t change my mind, simply make it convenient to distance themselves from me.

And that’s been hard for me to grasp.

Just as hard as it’s been for them to grasp what I’m experiencing with my transsexualism.

And as I’m gradually accepting I can’t change their minds,

I’m simply finding it convenient to distance myself from them.

I’ve never felt or experienced more awkward conversations or exchanges with some of my family and friends than I have in the past month.

It’s almost like we’re strangers … not really sure what to even talk about because we dont’ know each other … combined with not really being sure what to talk about because we don’t want to offend one another … and it makes for some staggered discussions.

On Sunday … I was at a point I had never been at before. I wasn’t suicidal, but I was certainly desperate. And traumatized.

And as I worked my way through that experience … alone … I came to realize and appreciate just what a lonely, solitary journey this is.

I think that’s an important point to reach … in order to survive the upcoming.

And the determination that has accompanied the realization has been refreshingly energizing. 🙂

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4 Comments

  1. Amy,
    this is exactly what we warn people about. It’s the hardest thing in the world, the possible loss of family and friends. It may be temporary, or it may end up being permanent. They just don’t understand why we do what we do, and have no ability to accommodate another point of view, yours.

    I know we’re a bit self-centered in this, but we have to be. It’s about reclaiming our life, our personality. It’s something we’ve never had the chance to really have, and they have had all their life. They don’t understand what it means to wake up and not be yourself. They just have no reference points. But this is why they should give you lattitude.

    You’re fighting the feelings of loss yourself. Of loved ones who said they’d understand. Of friends who said they’d be right beside you. There is a bit of betrayal there, and it hurts. I can only hope that they see the error of their ways, and come to support your change. This is a change you’ve told them is for you to become YOU, not Joe Hairdy, someone they think they like or love. But Amy is the real person here, the one who’s been buried for all these years. They should appreciate your pain, and want to help stop it.

    Unconditional love does not come with strings.

  2. It’s why I kibitz. No one who hasn’t made the journey is likely to understand it.

    There is life on the other side.

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