IMom’s Friday Five

I’m going to get in soooo much trouble !!

Noticing I’ve been bemoaning the fact that I’ve found the Friday Five questiooons of late sorely lacking in entertainment value … at least to me … iMom decided to surprise her eldest with a present … A set of rocking good five questions for next Friday. Unfortunately, I just can’t wait until next Friday to answer them … they’re great questions !!! So … read the following quick and I’ll re-wrap them up later and hopefully she won’t notice what I’ve done …. remember …. shhhhh … be very, very quiet. 😉

1. What will your first words be after you wake up from SRS?

Hmmmmm. I haven’t thought about this before, but there are a wealth of possibilities … let’s look at some ….

What the … !!! They were only supposed to remove my tonsils !!

Ahhh, excuse me doctor, I seem to have misplaced something.

Kinda sad isn’t it, I was so small before, I really don’t notice much difference.

Who turned my television off?

I need coffee … quick !!

Of course you can have my autograph.

Hmmm … well that was definitely different.

but most likely … I’ll just say ….

Ugh … wow !


2. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? (not a physical location, but mentally, socially, etc)

Interesting question. I sorta mentioned this in an e-mail to Yodette the other day (actually it was probably last week, days are just blending together as of late). We all know that I sense timelines … that’s how I cheat at things. Now stay with me here … I know you don’t like it when I talk Jedi … and I won’t get into how all that stuff works … but remember, I don’t cheat by sensing timelines in my relationships … that’s probably why I’ve fucked every one of those up … I have no clue when it comes to relationships … but I do use the skill when it comes to most other things … and one thing that has always bothered me is that I never was able to sense a timeline with my presence in it after about right now … I could never see myself around in anything after my late 30’s/early 40’s … I started trying to see that in my early 20’s when I first considered transitioning … my life regardless what I did seemed to end or disappear about the age I am now. Phrankly … I didn’t take it as a good sign. Because though you might think I’m odd talking about timelines and all that stuff … tell yourself it’s Intuition instead … it works for me. And regardless of whether I transitioned or not, it looked like my life ended around now.

Anyways, finally about three months ago I sensed a timeline with me in it. And then about a month ago another. The first one I was female and a judge. I didn’t recognize the setting and I was late 40’s/early 50’s and I didn’t like how I was wearing my hair. The second one I was still Joe Hairdy, early 60’s. And it wasn’t a good setting. But at least I was still alive and kicking. Sorta, kinda anyways.

Now personally, I totally subscribe to the notion that the future is always in motion (hey, I rhymed). I am capable of making the best of most any situation in which I find myself, but if given some options, I’d still love to be a judge and honestly, haven’t given up on that possibility. If anyone could pull it off (odd choice of words, huh?) … you know, being the first transsexual judge … it would be me. 🙂 I’d also love to have a family, that would totally be my first choice. If that was a possibility, I’d do it in a second … I’d love to find someone to hook up with, inherit or adopt a couple of children, and do the family thing. *heavy sigh*

So whatever situation I find myself, I just hope to be living an average life dealing with the usual life challenges and stress while laughing and enjoying myself. I don’t care if it’s just going to work each and every day in a role I’m comfortable or pissing off my husband because I forgot to pick his shirts up from the cleaners … I’ll be happy just living life as me. Though regardless, it’s my hope that in whatever situation I find myself 10 years from now … I still have Singer and Shaft in my life. They really need me in their lives … ’cause I do take care of them !! Yeah right. Anyways, it will probably take me at least 10 years to pay them back for helping through this thang !

3. Do you think you will you feel differently after SRS?

Hmmmm. I don’t know. I do think it’ll bring a sense of closure to me. So I expect to feel that. I’ll be in the position to just get on with my life at that point … no more items left on the to do list. (Caitlin mentioned that to me a month or so ago and I think she’s right.) I also expect it’ll bring a feeling of completeness too. Which I hope to experience.

Though really, the whole srs process has not been the focus of my transition plans. For me, it’s been the role implementation. Presenting and being accepted (at least by the unaware) as a woman. That’s why for me, the facial feminization surgery has always been the point on which I’ve focused. In a lot of ways, the genital work, at least at this stage of my life, is more a matter of convenience. Tucking and hiding the testes and penis internally, though pretty much routine by now, is still uncomfortable at times and contains an element of risk on occasion in light of my warddrobe tendencies.

However, I will admit … as time has progressed … the anticipation of vaginal penetration sensations has become more and more, shall I say “interesting”, to me. And I totally would like to be able to complete the act for someone special someday.

4. What will you be looking for in a relationship after SRS?

Interesting question … very interesting. I’ll answer the “Are you looking for boys or girls in a relationship” implications in the question first. 🙂

It’s difficult for me to answer, not necessarily having a complete perspective yet. But I can say that as I’ve progressed along in this journey, I’m pretty certain that the wiring in my brain is set to “Heterosexual”. In boy role, I’ve only been interested in women. They are the only ones that have in the least excited or aroused me. I’ve never even had a remotely gay encounter … in the “boy kissing boy” sort of way. In Amy mode … I’m finding that my interests are in guys though. When I’m in the female role, sexually I gravitate towards men. Unfortunate for me, ’cause that means I’m going to have to deal with their neanderthal, insensitive, condenscending behavior just to get laid … but I do think that’s the case. The sex element has not been at the forefront of why I’m doing this though. I’ve went a long time without action, I can go longer. At first, I was just too phreaking scared period to have interest in boys or girls anyway. I just hoped not to be tagged and labeled as a freak or get the krap beat out of me. Though as I’ve gotten more comfortable in my presentation and appearance, I’ve come to enjoy the attention in ways, and sexual flirting period. But it’s becoming apparent that I enjoy that as Amy with men, not women. I suspect I’ll never sensually kiss another woman again … unless alcohol is involved and boys are watching. 😛

That said … I’m just looking for what we all do in a relationship. Let’s break those down to three categories … ’cause ya know, I like to overanalyze:

First, you have The Basics. That’s just someone you like being around. For me, that means the guy in my future relationship needs to be a friend first. And that’ll be someone who I like to hang out and do things with. Who I have common interests with and can make me laugh.

Then there are The Extras. These include having similar moral centers and convictions. Having a kind and good heart. And a good sense of humor. I want to find myself wanting to do things with them instead of looking for free time away from them. They need to be intelligent, not brainy bright, but common sense strong. Able to converse about current affairs. Have a quick wit and a strong command of worthless trivia. And probably the oddest extra of all time … when I think of not being with them, even when I’m pissed at them … I want to feel a sense of longing.

Then there is The Special. The Special is what makes One love like no other you’ll ever experience. Everyone should be fortunate enough to have one. And I think we all get just one. Through timing, connection and experiences and a few cosmic twists … I’m convinced … there is one person out there for everyone that will be The One for them this go around.

Now, I’m really hoping for a relationship in the future. Really hoping for one. But the best I can hope for, and it would certainly be sufficient and great, is someone that brings The Basics and The Extras to the table. I do want someone. I’m tired of being so lonely. I’d kill, well, not really, but I ache for physical contact in some sort of fashion … hell, a simple tender hug could get me by for weeks. But let’s be real … and I am … the odds against me having a relatiooonship I desire are pretty great … you know … with the whole transsexual thing and all. Because at some point, I’d have to have the conversation with each and every guy that had a chance with me … and I have to be prepared that they’ll run when finding out. Nonetheless, I’m going to try and acheive such a relationship. And let us not forget … I do bring a lot to the table … except for the whole transsexual issue … I’m a pretty good catch for somebody. 🙂

5. Do you see yourself enjoying stereotypical things after SRS?

Again … I go hmmmm. 🙂 I really don’t see the “stereotypically female” things I’d do changing from before or after srs. But for the fact of having the opportunity for some vaginal actioooon … I don’t think what I do will change. Though … that’s not saying I don’t engage in some stereotypical behavior. But that just goes with the role. If I do hook up with a guy, I would expect myself to naturally gravitate to the traditionally female roles and responsibilities in a relationship while he does the traditionally male tasks … you know, whatever I tell him to do. 😉 But otherwise, just day to day stuff, I’d do what I have to do to survive. I really don’t see myself starting to pick up any “female type” hobbies like jewelry making, sewing or craft creations. I continue to have geek tendencies, like football and golf, watching movies and television, and enjoy laughing and being with my friends. As far as stereotypical goes … maybe just in the clothes I tend to wear … tighter jeans and tops or shorter skirts, but legitimately, I figure there’s a good chance that’s just a phase I’m going through. ‘Cause unless I’m going out, it’s little make-up, minimal effort to the hair and pretty casual. Enough to pass and be sorta cute, but not so much that it’s the most important thing in my life to me.

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  1. okay,
    now i’m getting weird, i suppose,
    but yesterday with presbyterians
    i was discussing something that i had
    discussed several months with someone
    who doesn’t talk to me anymore–

    hell is this lake of fire, right?
    and yet, in the bible,
    the spirit of God is always depicted as…

    what’s the deal with that?

  2. Curse or gift? It’s not the sort of gift I’d wish on anyone I liked. As a curse I can think of a few good candidates.

  3. “the person can get on with their life as it should have been”

    i may be insane,
    or just argumentative,
    but perhaps my life
    IS exactly as it should have been…

    everybody SAYS they’ve looked at life
    from both sides, now, but WE really have…

    it’s not so much a curse to be outlived,
    as it’s a gift to be relished–
    doncha think?

  4. Well, I wouldn’t say I’m mad. Not at all! How could I think that of my iDaughter when she did such a great job of taking the questions I gave her, and put such great thought into answering them.

    I think YOU set a new record for your own post length! 😉

    The questions were around the idea of SRS, not because it’s the be-all, end-all of GID/Transition, but it does mark a certain point when all the main issues should be out of the way, and the person can get on with their life as it should have been. I always said it was the period on the end of the sentence of my transition.

    #1 This is about how you feel complete that first moment of the rest of your life. The answers were cute, and with the last one, telling.

    #2 This one is to see if you do think about if you can continue in the old role, if you can’t stand to see yourself in that old role somewhere down the road, or how this will affect you and how you’ll come out of the change.

    #3 I think it’s really about if you’ll finally feel right with the correct physical equipment. There are certainly a lot of things you can’t do, even during transition, that you can after things are correct. And, for those with a dirty mind (!), I’m not mainly talking about the dirty deed!

    #4 I’m really not pointing to the “will you like boys or girls?” question. It’s about what things you see yourself looking for in a partner. Those could be fulfilled by either sex, but it is telling in a way to think about what will be your expectations. I think you’ll see more and more female tendencies in your choices. I certainly think I see those in you now.

    #5 This is hard one without going fulltime. We’ll see where you are in six months!

    Overall, I’m pleased as punch that you put as much thought into them as you did. I’m glad I could give you something more challenging than if you use 409 or Windex!

    And, no, I’m not mad that you didn’t wait a week! 🙂

  5. oh yeah, back to your life, I guess Yoda ette speaks for me (( we true star wars nerds know that the female name for Yoda is … Yaddle *shudder)) because she’s hitting all the marks i would if I wasnt so freaking disconnected from everybody. Trust her tiny green wisdom

  6. wood work?

    have you read my journal lately???

    it’s a surprise I’m not DEAD yet:P you never talk to me anymore on IM, so of course I’ll be bitchy! teehee *choke*

  7. For whatever it’s worth, I’ve not found it difficult to find accepting lovers. I’ve had male lovers and female lovers after SRS. I never lost a budding lover by coming out to them. Not one.

    As I see it, pick quality people worthy of trust. Let them get to know you well before you become intimate. Allow them to know you well enough they can’t imagine you as anything else. Ask yourself, would I trust him/her with my power of attorney? If so, disclose. And give them time to get used to it. Don’t be surprised if they freak for a week or two and then come around to acceptance. Don’t be surprised if a lover prefers you not mention it again.

    Given the choice, you’d be surprised how many will tell their nagging intellect to take a hike.

    As always, YMMV.

  8. #1
    just don’t say,
    “Dammit, I told you to slip off my spectacles!”

    If i can be a canonized saint,
    you can be a judge…

    i’ve never heard of anyone who didn’t…

    “except for the whole transsexual issue”
    i take EXCEPTion with that sentiment…

  9. *snicker* *snicker* I knew that would bring you out of the woodwork Si ! 🙂 ROFLMAO … Come on … what do you expect? … It’s me doing the writing … and besides, it’s better than that “I’m going to go rustle up some grub” line in Costner’s new movie. It was a post bound to get me some ass-kickin’ … from you for the reason stated above … from others for the Jedi reference … and still others for what I consider very mild sexual innuendos. Ahhh … the things I’ll do for attention !! *smirk*

    Oh … and in answer to your questioooon … shoot the one that is most likely to cause you similar misery again in the future … with that said … at least give me a tell so I know when to duck. 🙂

  10. ugh, now my onl;y question is, with my gun and just one bullet, do I put you down or end my own misery caused by such B- Movie quotes like this one?


  11. Heh, heh. I had expectations similar to yours. What I discovered post-op, when life happened in its own ironic ways, it wasn’t so simple.

    I lived with a man as a wife in the common law sense for a number of years. On many levels the relationship worked. The role of “wife” suited me. We had the “basics” and most of the “extras”, but he wasn’t the great love of my life. If only subconsciously, I think we both knew it wasn’t enough. After some years together we went our separate ways, but we remain good friends.

    Pre-op it was all theory. It had the comfort and simplicity of theory. Post-op it was real life. As real life, it had all the unexpected theory busting discoveries life can hold. Life is only simple for the simple and the fettered.

    As always, YMMV.

    My advice? Follow your heart and don’t be too surprised if it takes you somplace you didn’t expect to go.

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