Shaft Blinks
So ….. I told Shaft today that I was going to tell Tenant (he rents an office from us and hangs out with us quite a bit, he’s a good guy, we like him) today about my transsexualism and my impending plans. And Shaft is like ….. clearly hestitant about me doing that …. it was very obvious …… I could tell why, and he afterwards admitted ….. it is an affirming step that this is happening …. it’s no longer something between him and me …. a secret known only between the two of us …. like many we have …. it’s going public …. and when that happens ….. it’s all the more likely it’s going to happen ….. and for him, like me, there’s some sorrow in that …… anyways ….. he’s clearly bothered by me telling Tenant …..
and he makes a very true observation ….. our roles have reversed ….. in the past, he’s been there supporting me in this whole process, encouraging me to take steps forward when I’ve been scared and/or hesitant …. and now …… I’m the one becoming more determined to take the necessary steps and move forward …. interesting. Though just for the record …… though I’m probably more determined and forthright …… I’m scared outtamymind !!!! :0
So …… why do I want to tell Tenant? ….. Well, because he’s already figured it out !!! Though he doesn’t have any clue …… he’s thinking he’s being funny making comments that my absences from the office are for “breast augmentation consultations” and “estrogen shots” ….. and that I’m growing my hair out and losing weight because I’m going to have a sex change ….. actually, Shaft and I have laughed quite a bit about how he’s nailed it on the head, but has no idea that he’s correct ….. anyways ….. he’s a good person to get back into the disclosure swing of things …… maybe I’ll tell him tomorrow …. April Fool’s Day …. he won’t believe it for a second !!!! lol
I just think that it’s more likely I’ll have the life I want if I relocate ….. I’m sure I’ll return here and visit, even may live closeby …. but I just think it’s too difficult to reintegrate myself into the same environment in a different role …. who knows though ….. I’ve got a few hours left before deciding. 🙂
So…
so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell?
blue skies from pain?
Can you tell a green field
from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade
your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
a walk on part in the war
for the leading role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls
swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground,
Have we found the same old fears?
Wish you were here.
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
wait, was that my point?
wasn’t i saying that if you stay where you are, you’re more likely to risk exposure?
well, yeah,
it’s the clash again…
i’m a lotta help…
mememe again–
even though i pass surprisingly well,
occasionally, someone does recognize me–
one such person ratted me out
at the fundamentalist church of which i was a
member; okay, i wasn’t exactly dismembered,
and i had already decided to become catholic,
so it was no great loss…
just not a pleasant experience…
btw,
that same rat’s asshole is coaching the volleyball team my son is playing against today;
discussed it with my therapist already–
i can’t go on running, so to speak,
and i can’t let my son think there’s anything wrong in my being a mom, or that i have any reason to fear or hide, even though i’m scared to death…
my point if i have one is–
Amy, in your new life,
you will have no idea who your real friends are
and NO WAY of ever knowing…
Uh.
Friends.
Yeah, no.. those are soo hard to bury …;)
There are other factors as well. As attorneys, knowing the local procedure and the rep of the judges is like having the answer sheet to the quiz. Good information = good results = happy clients = money and more clients. Amy would walk away from information and experience only available to those who have put the time in. What about family and friends? Sure, some may react badly. But what about those that surprise? Statistically, Amy is more likely to have a support base here than anywhere else. (Hey, Amy, I’m talking about you, not to you) And Sianna, let’s be friends.
Duh.
But he can visit, and visa versa.
Btw where there heck are ya moving to?
“Exactly” meant that I agree completely with those two advantages, and in that order …. reducing transition related stress and addressing Singer issues. I hope, hope, hope Singer and I can be in one another’s lives after my transition, and in Amy-mode, friends should work fine, but this relegation to barely friend-mode while I remain in boy-mode is emotionally killing me.
Heck yeah, I want to keep hanging out with Shaft. He’s the best !! But …. he can’t uproot his family, wife and kids, so we can continue goofing off like we have the last 15 years !! Though I completely think he should !! 🙂
now it’s about mememememe–
i would have liked to relocate,
but my son would have lost touch with gramma;
even though she didn’t want to be seen with me,
she still loved him…
and except for three months in kentucky
and eighteen months in colorado,
i’ve lived my whole life in nebraska…
and i would have had to sell the house,
and found a place in a new town,
and i didn’t know
if i could trust people at the University
to play along with the new identity;
and could i really get
an assistantship anywhere?
when i couldn’t even get one here in omaha?
*meaty-ochre alert*
excessive whining!
override activated…
it is, of course,
the clash:should i stay or should i go?
if you stay,
at least a few people will recognize you,
and even the people who accept it will have
moments…
if you go,
you have not only the stress of transistion,
but of relocating as well…
if you have LOTS of “morale support”
in the new location,
that might help a lot…
ideally,
shaft would relocate with you, but…
🙂
(um no, not with YOUR BUTT–
good thing i check for typos
before posting these things!)
what, exactly???
Exactly.
Two reasons to go: transition stealth risks, and, Singer encounters…
Reasons to stay? Well, Shaft, obviously, but???
When I transition, I am planning on moving and leaving my current community …. starting fresh and anew someplace …. Shaft is opposed to that …. he wants me to stay here. Discuss. 🙂
Well, now that was cryptic.
“Seriously Amy, you need to change your mind and help me bury this guy before we get caught!”
Your mind can only wander if you posess one, Sianna.
You are correct, Stacy, sort of..
I do want Amy to change her mind, but not in the fashion that you think. She knows I support her 100% in the choices that she is making, except for one… I am being unapologetically selfish on this point.
Yeah Stacy …. I’ve too wondered if Tenant has figured it out …. but with his personality, had he …. he’d be blunt about it …. “Dude, you’re turning into a chick, aren’t you?” …. and he hasn’t been, which is why I think that he is using that to sort of goad me into explaining my “real problem” …. not realizing he’s already figured it out …. my weight loss seems to have misdirected most people’s conclusions into thinking I’m suffering from something different.
With regards to Shaft (speak up boy, we’re talkin’ about you 🙂 ), I think you’re right.
lol yeppers ….. Shaft is code …… every name for the most part I use is code …. though a very simple code …. easily figured out !!
Shaft is a nickname he gave himself, but since he thinks I pick on him too much on this site (I think I say plenty of nice, sweet things about him !!) …. I’m not going to go into my standard rant about the irony of him being called Shaft.
Instead, I’ll leave it untouched and tell him that you think of porn careers when you read about him on my site. You’ll make his day !! lol
i could be an idiot here–
why not? i’m an idiot everywhere else–
but i think he knows,
and is joking like that in the hope he’s wrong…
in my own case,
nobody who knew me was surprised,
only disappointed…
(ooh, what a note of optimism!)
🙂
& i’m guessing that right now,
shaft has to decide if he wants to be serious…
so far, it’s been something of a game,
and i’m pretty sure he’s
hoped that you would change your mind…
if it’s any assurance,
my best-friend-since-high-school
did finally completely accept it,
although we’ve both decided that DATING
would be just TOO weird…
and my best-friend-from-college
accepted it completely, too,
after some hesitation,
even though his mother thinks i’m the reason
his last two girlfriends broke up with him…
I really hope “shaft” is a codename, or that he’s a private investigator with babealicious attitude….
cause otherwise, I’m think porn careers
no wonder everyone hates me.
I’m such a bitch.
Ta 🙂