Decision – Option 3

(aka “It’s a Guy Thing.”)

Option 3 is a simple option ….

Continue doing the guy thing.

Cease all things transgendered and …..

Process and manage my gender dysphoria internally.

Pretend as if I don’t have it ….

With the hope that knowing what my “problem” is …..

Will make it easier to manage and keep to myself.

Simple.

It’s probably pretty close to how I’ve always dealt with my life ……

Except that with Option 3, at least I will have accepted my transsexualism

‘Cause though I’ve known since 4 or 5 years of age that something was wrong …..

I just chose to suppress it,

deny it

avoid it.

And in the process of doing that …..

Over all those years …..

I began to convince myself …..

That it had to be …..

Maybe …..

All in my head ….. YIKES !

Heck …. those feelings and thoughts can’t be real …..

Geezuz ….. I’ve researched this stuff …..

I’ve read about a lot of things …..

Maybe I’m now just talking myself into thinking I have this condition ……

When I really don’t ….

And ….

That I’m just pretending to have this problem ……

Consciously or subconsciously.

And eventually,

If I stop pretending and thinking about it …..

It will go away.

That’s how it used to be.

But now I know it won’t go away …..

And that it isn’t all in my head …..

So maybe knowing that ……

Would help me in dealing with it …..

Living with it ……

If I do nothing.

Analysis Procedure – Same as in Option 4 and used for each Option. I list the Advantages and Disadvantages. Blabbering down as many of which I can think. Nothing more, nothing less. As always ….. not all Advantages are created equal …. nor does one Advantage equal one Disadvantage. And when comparing Options …. an Option with more Disadvantages might still have enough Advantages to be preferrable to one with all Advantages … blah … blah … blah ….. 🙂

Advantages

Maintain current life investment

Let’s face it ….. even though I’ve just been playing a role ….. I do it well …. and I have a lot invested in this role.

I have a good life history as Joe Hairdy ….. close family, good friends, solid education, respected (as much as an attorney can be), good career and comfortable lifestyle. If I choose Option 3, for the most part, I can keep all that. My education, my friends, my lifestyle, and all things material …… while at the same time preserving the chance to get a return on some of those investments in the future, for example, career desires I have as a judge.

I have a lot of history as Joe Hairdy and I’ve put a lot of effort into having a good history, one as a good person, one as skilled in my trade and one that accummulates material comforts …. basically these intangible assets of my life history combined make up my Savings Account of Life. With this Option, I get to keep my Savings Account of Life.

Keep Family/Friends

Granted, once someone has been told of my “secret” … eeek …. it can never be withdrawn …… and never forgotten ……. trust me, I know, I can only hope time helps me survive my first painful experience with that truism ….

But ….

That being said and the emotional toil still felt …..

If I chose Option 3,

Other than my Mom, Dad, Brother, Shaft and Ex …… ta daaaa …. no other family member would have a clue. (Yeah, Shaft isn’t technically family, but he is considered family by my family, and he’s family to me, so he’s in this category.)

Mom would be ecstactic ….. relish me back entirely in boy mode.

Brother would really be none the wiser, Bro’s completely blocked it out anyways ….

Ex, well it is certainly her preferred choice that I go with Option 3, so I know she’d be pleased.

Dad, well, I think he’d know why I chose Option 3, and in some ways, I think he’d be glad, because it would make my family’s life a lot easier if we didn’t have to deal with having a transsexual in it, at least a transsexual is who is transitioning. However, I honestly think Dad would would be sorta sad, because, I think he wants me to do what makes me happy, and I think he suspects Option 1 would make me happy.

Shaft, well, I think he’s come to know me and though I don’t know if he likes me as much as Joe Hairdy, we seem to be staying just as good of friends, and for me it’s even more rewarding because I’m not keeping a secret from him at all anymore !! And that’s soooo kewl, but …. I think if I chose Option 3, it’d be harder for us to pretend that this never happened, he has been too much part of my life already, and in some ways I think he’d miss me. On the other hand, we’d still get to work together and hang out and do all the stuff we used to do. So I’m sure we could deal with the suppression of me. 🙂

Then there are my friends who know me as Joe Hairdy, but also know my secret. I think it would be no big deal for them whatever I choose. I think they’d be cool either way.

Really …… regardless of the way you look at it …. making no change impacts the fewest people. Because they are completely unaware. And for those unlucky few who are aware, it’s easily forgotten, because with no change, the routine and familiarity can dilute and diminish their awareness.

Get to Keep Guy Perks

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

There are a lot of perks to being a guy and I thoroughly enjoy them (granted, there are perks to being a girl too, I just haven’t lived them and don’t know them yet).

I love being assumed to know what I’m talking about;

I love the instant respect – at work and life in general;

I enjoy being able to finesse my way through situations using boy-charm;

I like knowing nothing about cars, but being presumed more educated about them than a female mechanic.

I love not having to really care too much how I look,

Heck, I like being able to look acceptable with little effort.

I appreciate being able to get ready in 15 minutes.

It is really nice spending less on dry cleaning,

And convenient to to be able to urinate standing up.

I like being considered thoughtful if I remember someone’s birthday …..

Or help in the kitchen while others are watching football.

It’s relaxing to seldomly being judged based on my appearance.

It’s so nice that the simply act of bringing a bag of chips to a get-together deems me thoughtful.

And I really dig having guy-friends because they are sooo low maintenance.

“Dude, you so phucked me over last night.”
“Yeah, I know, sorry ’bout that, but she was really hot.”
“S’okay.”

I like being able to swear when I feel like it.

And I really like the power that being a guy brings with it.

Basically, I like the perks of being a guy. It’s a really nice place to live.

Possibility of a family

Under my current circumstances, having a family is not necessarily a great likelihood under any of the Options. However, if I choose Option 3, I do think if I wanted to, I could find a woman to marry. And then either use my banked up sperm, adopt or maybe she’d bring an instant family with her …. whatever way …. hey …. I’ve got a family, so Beaver Cleaver.

Can always change my mind

In theory, if I choose Option 3, I can always change my mind later. Of course, if I chose Option 3, tried the family route, and then wanted to change my mind, that could create a whole slew of complications and possible roadblocks. But regardless, the chance to change my mind would exist. Though it is my intention not to play games here, decide and go with it. That’s it.

Disadvantages

Quality of Life

Playing a role is not living life. I would not be living life if I choose Option 3. Face it people, I have, took me long enough …. this doesn’t go away. I can play the role, pretend I’m happy, laugh and make you think I’ll all content and excited about my decision ….. but ….. no matter what I tell you, no matter how much I smile ……. I’ll be playing a role ….. and I won’t be living. That’s a big disadvantage to me.

Short term Delay

I have a serious concern that if I go with Option 3, it would really just be a short term delay buying time for me to implement an “accidental” Option 4. Yup, seriously. I can sit here and honestly say, there’s a fair chance, that unless something dramatic changed in my life, if I choose Option 3 and didn’t have a family ….. when my mom and dad eventually passed away ….. the odds of an “accidental” Option 4 being implemented would increase. I’m not too enthused with that possibility at all. So I consider it a disadvantage.

Lost Friends

I have some friends who only know me as me. And that is sooooo nice !! 🙂 In fact, I have some really close friends. It would be terribly hard to lose them, but if I chose Option 3, I’d have to do just that.

Implementation

Laaa Taaa Daaa Taaa Daaaaaa 🙂

Hmmmm …… okay kids, let’s not forget …. I’ve done quite a few things already in my evaluatiooooon of my transsexualism …… and some things would have to be addressed:

First, I’d need to wean myself off my hormone therapy. I take 8 milligrams of Estradiol tablets sublingually daily, 200 milligrams of spironolactone daily and 5 milligrams of Proscar daily. I couldn’t just stop cold turkey without health ramnifications, so I’d have to dose down in some manner similar to how I dosed up in the beginning. Over time, my body shape and facial lay would return to boy-mode.

Second, what wouldn’t return over time was my previously flat chest. I would probably have to get a masectomy. Ahhhh ……. whose kidding here …. I’d have to get a masectomy.

Third, I’d have to get my hair cut. Duh !! 🙂

Simple as 1 …… 2 …… 3

But for the masectomy …. that was pretty easy !! 🙂

But then what?

Well, I’d have some choices …..

I could play boy mode, but stay out of any relationships. That has attraction because I don’t have to deal with the whole transsexualism disclosure issue again and then risk being crushed. If I chose this course, I’d probably still leave the firm and relocate, though not too distantly. I’d probably get a government job where I’d be able to put in an 8 hour day and call it good and save my energy for playing happy.

I could play boy mode and try to engage in new relationships …… risk being crushed. If I chose this course, I’d still leave the firm and relocate. Though get an industry job, with travel, and just try to kill time staying busy with work.

I could play boy mode and maybe rehook with Ex. She might be receptive to it. Though I do think she deserves someone better than I can offer. If I pursued this option, I’d stay here at the firm and in the community.

Summary

This option would certainly be the least painful for my family and friends. It would allow me to retain my status, accomplishments and history I have accummulated thus far in my life, while also providing me with the opportunity to continue relishing the perks of being a guy and possibly enjoying a return on my Savings Account of Life. I’ve got a better chance of having a family with this option than any other option and if things get too intolerable in the future, I could always reconsider. However, I would not be living life with this Option. I’d simply be playing a role and I have no delusions about that. In many ways, I see that as completely wasting a life. Lastly, there is the concern that if opting for this Option :), I would simply be delaying the inevitable future of electing an “accidental” Option 4.

And That …..

Is ….

The Case for Boyhood.